Colleague with a “tough gal” persona

[Blancmangemouse]

Woman I work has real tough / unemotional / ‘no messing’ / ‘keeping it real’ image going on. She’s quite sneery / impatient with people with a more gentle / thoughtful personality, and her general attitude seems to be that pretty much everyone is weaker / softer / sillier than she is. She conveys this in her manner, rather than words. I get the feeling that there is some sort of insecurity at the root of this persona of hers, because truly confident and ‘tough’ people, in my experience, don’t act like they have something to prove all the time.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else recognises my description here and has worked with somebody similar / has any advice?
I have never met anyone like her before (although she is reminiscent of a few Police protagonists in crime dramas I have seen). I find her abrasive /dismissive and her attitude gets my back up, but I do want to find a way to get along with her as we work together quite a lot.

Tough going but maybe she suffers from depression. Hope u find a happy medium. Good luck

Thanks for replying. She doesn’t come across as depressed, but who knows, you may be right. I am just really struggling because she has a way of making others (well, me at least) feel small, and I need to find a way of not letting her do that / not allowing myself to be affected by her in that way.

Take a step back and don’t engage much, don’t be interested in her.

Insecure people of this kind get their kicks from making other people feel insecure so you aren’t going to win this one.

Is she a 'I'm not like other girls' sort of person?

Firstly, I would say don’t change your own personality to match. Lots of people will suggest smart-arsed remarks to play her at her own game, but if that’s not your style, I wouldn’t recommend it.

However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be calmly and pleasantly assertive if the occasion calls for it.

Is she new in the team? How big is the team and how central is she in you doing your job?

My general advice with about working with anyone that you perceive as difficult would be to stay polite & distance yourself from them when possible while also keeping a log of their negative behavior.

I had to google the phrase, but yes, she’s very much like that.
We work together in a public facing role (think teacher / social worker / nurse type job) and she seems to relish the more rough and ready aspects of the role and doesn’t have time to think about feelings etc (certainly not her colleagues’, anyway)… she’s far tougher than all of that guff…

In which case peoples suggestions of being polite and staying distant are definitely the way to go

If she is someone who prides herself on being different to other women, the easiest way to do that is by putting other women down so best to not get too close.

Thank you. It’s what I’ve tried to do so far, so I will stick at it. I’m lying here brooding because I have a more caring / pastoral side to my role and she is just so dismissive and acts as though I will have nothing of value to contribute to any given situation. She was grinding my gears in a meeting we had today.
It shouldn’t matter one bit, but she is very attractive and I am rather plain and dumpy. It just seems to add to her power.

I've found that just pausing and giving them a considering look before going on to say whatever needs to be said next will often work. It tells them you have clocked what they are doing and are not falling for it or being pushed around, without needing to be confrontational.

Ooh that's good. I like it.
I have a colleague who's a right cow and gets me in knots every time we work together (weekly).
I'll try this, although I do think she will just talk loudly over me and it'll be lost...

Yes I was going to say this. Also when you give a pause they have a chance to hear what they actually said and how unreasonable they are hopefully

Maybe she is tough and unemotional. I do think women with those traits are often accused of it being a ‘persona’ where people accept tough unemotional men as authentic and even the default. Do you have concrete examples of how she’s dismissive of or abrasive to you? If so make a record of them and escalate to your manager if necessary. If it’s that you don’t like her style and would prefer her to be more gentle/emotional then there’s probably something to consider about the gendered nature of those expectations.

Just sounds like you are different people. Yoy say she suggests that your more caring persona has no value but it doesn't sound like you think her tough approach has value either. She could be feeling a very similar way to you.

I suggest holding strong to the way you want to be and notice what differing strengths your colleagues bring.

Op we have two people like that in office and exactly like you describe!
Almost compete with how tough they are and the people we work with don't mess around with them.
And when any one says anything like, plumber didn't turn up or the dog is doing x "they will reply with" well you need to do this don't you, or do that don't you ". It's infuriating and usually their unasked for advice has already been done!

As well as insecurity I would also suggest it's a certain type of lack of intelligence in the open minded sense. Intelligent people are usually very considered and rational and will listen to people.. These types don't, Harry Enfield the know it all type.

Hill running that's a good point, my colleagues certainly do have bonus at times with how they are.

Jesus, if she’s in a role like one of those then I pity the poor public she’s working for! Those roles require emotional intelligence!

Most people like that are insecure and cover their actual lack of confidence with a veneer of knowing best, in a sneering and dismissive style.

If you can steel yourself to it, watch for her slipping up and point it out, when there's an audience, but be prepared for fireworks.

Emotional intelligence doesn’t just mean being soft and nice all the time, even in women. In all three roles mentioned there are plenty of scenarios where being “tough” would be advantageous. Particularly for social workers!

I used to work with someone like that. I used to say she left all her compassion at her garden gate when she left home in the morning. Everyone hated her, she’d been in role a long time, when she left no one organised a collection or arranged a leaving do. At a late colleague’s funeral recently she was mostly ignored. You reap what you sow 😩

Has she been in the role/service longer than you OP?

Having worked in a similar type of role for 20 years, I have seen a lot of people become 'hardened' to it for want of a better word. They have seen so many people in those situations that they kind of forget that there are actually people involved. However, I will say that most people who have become hardened in my job did so out of necessity. Some members of the public do not want to help themselves and you need to be stern with them to actually get anywhere with them.

I'm also going to pick up on what PP have said. I'm also wondering how you would feel if your colleague was a man behaving like this.

Is this her?

I worked with a lady as you have described it turned out she was a victim of domestic violence.

Oh no, not "I'm not like other girls"! Always a bit of a red flag IME.