Why do people get bored of me?

[sparklyIsPretty]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today so just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

In primary school I had a few friends. I'm pretty sure we were only friends because our parents got along. I would tag along with them but whenever it was an odd number of us, I would be the one left out. No one chose me to pair up with and I was always the child sat with the teacher on coach trips etc.

My mum said I would find my people at secondary school. I tried. And failed!
My primary friends no longer were interested in me as I didn't want to hang out with them after school. They formed closer friendships and I was pushed out further.

Found a few new friends but again I would always be the odd one left out.

Went to college and same old story.

Had a few jobs and surprise, surprise same again.

People initially are interested in getting to know me but it never lasts. I'm polite and listen to people all the time.

Then they must realize I'm just really boring and that's it!

Guess I'm just destined to be friendless.

I'm so sorry to read this and that its upsetting you. You know, it is a lot more common than you think. I watched a YouTube video from a guy that reads body language, and he was giving tips on how to make friends as he and his wife had moved and found it hard to make friends. Are the people you have made friends with at first, interested in the same things as you? Because I think that is something that can help friendships last, rather than just going to the same school, job etc You could maybe join local hobby or interest groups, fitness groups? What kind of things interest you? I am sure you are really interesting and you're just being hard on yourself

What do you like to do with your friends? I have a wide circle of friends but we bond over shared interests and hobbies ... we meet up to do those things and although occasionally we might grab a coffee afterwards I am not particularly interested in just sitting around and chatting ... I do have a couple of very 'old' friends (ie we met at nursery school many years ago!) and we do just meet up and chat but with other friends I do need an 'activity' ... otherwise yes, it can be boring. Same with my DH ... he meets friends to play golf, watch a sport, go for a hike etc.

Bonding outside of school/uni/work is the main way to make real friendships. You have to put the effort in, even if it's just once a week meeting up. If you don't want to.meet them, then ask yourself why? Do you have a hobby/interest you'd rather do. Seek friends from those circles.

Do you organise things when in a group or are you a follower?

Do you have activities in your life that you are passionate about? Do you talk about them?

Do you have any idea what the issue might be?

For example, I find it boring when people talk about people. Especially people I don't know

You said your primary school friends moved on because you weren't interested in doing things with them outside of school. This does show that they did want to spend time with you.

Do you try to arrange things with new friends? Ask if they fancy going for a drink after work, or even just an evening walk or something?

It could be that rather than loosing interest they think that you aren't interested in being friends and are only being polite at work.

I feel like I could have written this. It's all so familiar to me. I get on well with people and (as far as I know!) have no enemies, but I don't seem to 'bond' with people very easily. At secondary school everyone had made new friends had established friendship groups by Christmas but I couldn't seem to settle. If I'm invited anywhere it's always a last minute invitation when plans have already been made.
If I try to make plans, no one is interested or it all falls apart.
In any group of friends or colleagues I've ever been in, there's always private talks or in jokes that everyone knows but me. No one ever confides in me or shares news with me first.
Honestly, I think it's nothing to do with being boring. I think some people just don't fit into groups or bond with individuals easily. I think sometimes my social energy is different. I'm not particularly introverted or extroverted but I generally feel drained by small talk and gossip. I'm afraid I've got no real advice, just solidarity. When friendship groups run into big problems and drama ensues, sometimes I think I'm better off!

I think people can be stressful and often just a few friends is enough.

You sound a lot like me OP. I get on really well with everyone, I’m easy to get along with, well respected, and always have people asking for my help because I am so approachable, but I’m never the best buddy who gets invited out. I think part of the problem is that I’m a really good listener, like too good. I’m always much more interested in listening to other people and hearing what they have to say than talking about myself and I think that just means that people I spend time with, don’t really know me at all. And that probably makes me hard to move from likeable acquaintance to friendzone.

There's a lot of these threads on MN and they do all tend to boil down to a common theme of 'I think I'm too nice, so other people don't like me'.

Really?

Realistically, if you've experienced a common problem with a disparate group of people over an extended period of time then logic would suggest that the common denominator is you.

OP, what do you do? You say you listen, but do you talk? Do you have any kind of spark or try to reciprocate a common interest? Do you instigate activities, or accept invitations?

Relationship-building is two-way: give and take.

Do you try and make friendships to go further or are you being passively pleasant hoping someone will bring decide they like you?
Like you said nobody would choose you to be their partner, would you be sat there waiting for someone to choose you but never saying hey do you want to be my partner, or saying hey you wanna sit by me on this coach trip?
Are you maybe on the quiet side or nervous about rejection to the point that you aren't pushing yourself out there and making more friends and suggesting things to do?
Just because people might not actively be looking for quiet polite people to follow along listening to them, but would be receptive to people saying do you want to come see this new film with me, or oh I have a dog too do you know any good places to walk? Maybe we can meet up for a dog walk next week etc

I am just like you but I have lots of lasting friendships and don't have OPs issues at all. Many people I know who getting along well with others and are good listeners have strong friend groups.

I think there are likely subtle cues you are giving off either verbally or non verbally that are impacting how you are being perceived by others. Do you have family in your life that you can ask to be honest about their views on why you might have these issues? Especially from family members who are quite different from you?

How much effort do you make? Or do you wait on them and give up?

It may be you’re attaching yourself to the wrong type of people.

Oh op this sounds really upsetting. To a certain extent I’m like this too. People like me a lot as an acquaintance, but I find it hard to get deeper friendships going.

How proactive are you?
I wonder if it’s worth putting yourself out of your comfort zone and being extra proactive in arranging soxcial meet ups and inviting people you like for a coffee etc. I’ve noticed the people I know who have lots of connections are also the ones who put in the effort. That doesn’t come naturally to me, in fact I hate it, but I’ve been trying to be the person inviting others. It has paid off a bit.

I'm mentioning this just in case it applies to you, but I've noticed that sometimes if people are boastful or tactless it puts people off however nice they try to be. If that doesn't apply to you then please ignore

Oh I have a very good secure friendship group that I’ve had since school so I’m quite happy. And I have made good work-friendships (I definitely have had work bffs) but they’ve never crossed into after work friendships and then fizzle out when you leave the job kinda thing. I think sometimes the problem has been I’m a mum, and sometimes it seems like other people think your free time just revolves around your dc and that you don’t have hobby’s or interest any more. Plus o have really nerdy hobbies that I don’t tend to disclose until I know I won’t be judge negatively for it.
it’s ok, I’m happy overall

I should add that most female work colleagues have been child free, or were child free when they joined so bonding over bottomless brunches on a Saturday is much easier

I don't have anything to talk about other than my children. I have no one to watch them and my husband works away. I definitely bore people because I can't relate to anyone going out for lunch because I can't go, I can't relate to anyone working because I don't work (I can't afford the extra nursery fees)

I understand how you feel op.

@sunshineonroses This is how I feel about it too. I like being on my own but it can occasionally get to me that I'm ALWAYS the one left out.
It did hit me when I got divorced and not a single person asked if I was doing ok.

My DP also doesn't attract friends but I've noticed people will speak to him rather than me.