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Any police officers (or anyone)able to advise, teenager (past) relationship

24 replies

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 21:16

DS a few months past his 16th birthday in Y11 was seeing a girl who was 14, close to 15, in Y10.

DS and another couple (similar age) hung around together. Went to the girl’s house all together. DS and his girlfriend kissed and fondled while in the same room as the other two. No sex.

There’s a huge backstory but DS is ND, is not experienced AT ALL, was led by his girlfriend BUT, the age they’re at, he’s a few months past 16. I’m genuinely stating that DS is most probably as mature as the girl he was with.

The boy they were with spread the story around school. The school bully decided he didn’t like DS and labelled him a ‘ nonce’ and now, the sheep have followed suit and he’s been labelled a ‘kiddy fiddler’ by some of the hanger’s on.’ The bully hit DS outside of school.

we’ve saved massages sent to DS, threatening messages.

I’ve not slept for months. I don’t know what to do.

As DS is and was 16, the bullies are having a field day, deciding that he will be locked up, he’s a ‘wrong ‘un’ etc.

I feel sick. What should we do?

If we go to the police will they immediately say DS is in the wrong, regardless of the minimal age difference and the fact it was mutual? The bully is using the fact that DS was a few months past 15 that he’s a ‘nonce’, it’s like a game to him and his entourage.

I want this to stop!

DS is no longer with this girl, this happened last year. It just seems that they have it in for DS.

Please be kind.

OP posts:
Polik · 23/05/2023 21:27

I'm a DSL

Assuming there was no aspect of control, cohesion, blackmail or power imbalance, this is age appropriate sexual behaviour for both. Yes, one was under 16 but assuming its all consentusl then 'fumbling' is normal gor the she. Intercourse is not usual and wouldn't be criminalised.

Police would not consider criminalising. Social care might suggest things like contraception and healthy relationship advise, just because it's the beginnings of becoming sexuslly active so sex education is important, but that would be it.

The crux of this is not your sons behaviour as you describe, it's the fact your son is bring bullied.

What are school doing to protect him?

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 21:33

@Polik We’ve discussed the bullying behaviour but haven’t gone into detail as our DS didn’t want us to.

The school are familiar with the bully, it wasn’t a surprise.

Backstory with DS and his MH decline earlier last year, he’d had time out of this school. Just thought he’d integrated back and within a few weeks this happened.

School have supported DS learning from home.

bully wins again!

OP posts:
PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 21:36

@Polik No control issues etc, it was consensual ‘fumbling’.

The bully is acting as if DS is 30 years old!

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Polik · 23/05/2023 21:44

If DS is Y11, is he planning on staying at school for sixth form? If not, he'll be leaving very soon. On balance, I'd question if it was worth it reporting the bully, if it was my son. Just get through and then move him away from it all.

If he's staying on at school sixth form, definitely tell school. Spell out exactly what is happening and report every single new incident as it happens, no matter how small.

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 21:51

@Polik DS won’t be going to sixth form.

We’re hoping the college he will be attending will be one the bully and his followers won’t be attending. When we had a meeting with school they said the majority usual go the X college and not the one DS will be going to. There’s always a chance though.

If it continues at college we will have to escalate, he can’t continue to be bullied, I can’t let this happen.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 23/05/2023 22:01

If he's in Y11, surely he's in the middle of his GCSEs?

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 22:05

He is, why?

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FlickFlackTrap · 23/05/2023 22:06

Yes as @Polik said. the police would be highly unlikely to take any action.
It’s an age appropriate relationship and there is also an onus on the girl, providing she has capacity, to have an awareness of the law and the fact she is underage.
You need to make school aware of the full circumstances so they can take appropriate action.

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 22:08

He’s attending school to take his (minimal) GCSES in a different room to the other DC, apart from 6 other’s who also have this facility.

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PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 22:16

@FlickFlackTrap I want to let school know but DS doesn’t want me to escalate as the bullies entourage will still be there, regardless.

I’m not sure at this stage what appropriate action the school would take. At this stage in Y11 with the hope none of them will be attending the same college, we’re hoping this will be all behind him in 12 months?

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dapsnotplimsolls · 23/05/2023 22:26

Presumably study leave has started or will start soon so he just takes the rest of his exams and never has to see the bullies again. I don't think you need to get the school involved.

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 22:37

@dapsnotplimsolls This is what we were thinking, although the college he will be attending know there has been bullying issues.

OP posts:
Polik · 23/05/2023 22:46

He can be proactive in the mean time. I'd suggest he deletes and blocks these people on social media, if he hasn't already.

In fact, the change when leaving school is a good time for a large scale social media overhaul. Talk to him about the possibility of ditching all of his snap/insta/xbox/tiktok accounts and opening new ones. Only invite selected friends to his new profile and ditch everyone on old profiles.

Devonshiregal · 23/05/2023 22:49

switch schools. I get that sounds really easy to say but surely it’s less disruptive to his studies to move school than to be being called a ‘nonce’ every day. Or pull him out and home school.

get him into a new social group too. However you can. Sport, cadets, volunteering.

take him away on holiday. Get him away. Change things up. My belief is that you can’t let them sit in the bullying. They need to see there’s an outside world.

it will get better.

Devonshiregal · 23/05/2023 22:52

sorry just seen he’s in year 11 so wil lbe done in two months. Definitely find a way to emotionally distance. And I’d even consider a further away college. Plus arm him with a good response if anyone else ever hears this rumour. Even if it’s just “yeah I was 15” and a shrug. Most people will grow up at college so hopefully this bully will be too embarrassed to continue.

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 22:54

@Polik Thank you. He’s shown us messages and we’ve taken photos of them, as apparently on Snapchat it lets the other party know you’ve taken a screenshot. So we have evidence of the threats to ‘brick our windows’! All saved.

I do agree though that all forms of SM need deleting!

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PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 23:00

@Devonshiregal Thank you, we’re trying to give DS some good responses. We’re also hoping that none of the entourage attend the college he’ll be going to.

The college are aware that there has been a bullying issue.

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PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 23/05/2023 23:10

I can’t tell you how this situation could have caused catastrophe implications for DS.

We’ve already had to attend A&E due to suicidal ideation. This is before this recent bullying issue.

I’m grieving for DS right now.

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PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 24/05/2023 07:22

Does anybody have any experience with how colleges deal with bullying? If it continues in September I want to deal with it immediately.

The problem is the nature of the bullying is awful for DS and he doesn’t want us to say anything.

How would the police respond if things turned worse, if our property is damaged or worse, if DS is attacked?

OP posts:
cpphelp · 24/05/2023 07:58

Have you posted about this a couple of months ago? DS was still with the girl and ignoring all this bullying?

I've no practical advice (sorry) but in my experience of going from year 11 to college, is that kids grow up a lot. You're not there because your mates are doing the course, you're there because you've chosen the course you want to do.
I'd certainly involve police though as to the proof of threats you have and previous violence

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 24/05/2023 08:18

@cpphelp this is the first time I’ve posted about this.

I’m hoping that once school’s over they’ll stop. Unfortunately we live in a small town, although the bully lives in another area, some of his little minions don’t.

They’ve ruined his final months of school.

OP posts:
Polik · 24/05/2023 21:50

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 24/05/2023 07:22

Does anybody have any experience with how colleges deal with bullying? If it continues in September I want to deal with it immediately.

The problem is the nature of the bullying is awful for DS and he doesn’t want us to say anything.

How would the police respond if things turned worse, if our property is damaged or worse, if DS is attacked?

That very much depends on how good the college are. If the people harassing your son are not at the college also, you should expect college to support your sons mental health but dealing with the others will have to be through the police.

If the harassment is through someone on roll at college, you should expect a graduated response each time your son reports something. Eg the first time they may tell the other not to do it again, second time a call home and sanction (detention maybe, they still do detentions in college), next time a more significant sanction snd do on. Its very important your son reports as it happens, not a long list of events all reported at the same time. Also important to provide evidence (screenshots if online), so that it's not just one word against another.

If this is not involving another student at the college, expect the same kind of graduated response from police. Its harassment. The first time may result in a PCSO conversation and nothing more. But if it keeps happening, keep reporting.

I'd strongly recommend your son has a social media purge. Close down all of his accounts and open new ones, being very careful who he adds.

Also encourage him to make a completely new circle of friends. Kids are cruel and it's so hard to ditch reputations

LadyHag · 24/05/2023 22:00

1- We had to deal with dc being groomed - thoroughly unpleasant, police took statements but advised there was nothing they could do. I don't believe this would ve an issue fir the police to deal with.

2- colleges vary significantly as to how they deal with bullying and safeguarding. I know of one near us that dealt with a (proven by police, cctv etc) unfounded and malicious allegation idf sexial assault si badly they caused a pupil to study from home, be escorted to and from exams and gave a counsellor make telephone contact before and after they went on site for exams. I would recommend you do as much research as you can into this.

Good luck, I really feel for your son, please try to get him to allow you to talk to school. And the police.

PleaseHopeYouCanOfferAdvice · 25/05/2023 08:05

@Polik and @LadyHag thanks so much for your replies.

We are due to have a meeting with the college where DS is hoping to a get into. They do know about the struggles he’s had and bullying but they don’t know the nature of the bullying behaviour as DS doesn’t want us to talk to them about it.

It’s been like a pack mentality. One bully sets the scene and the others followed, making DS out to be something he’s not. They’ve picked on the weakest person I suppose and are looking after themselves, siding with the ‘hard kid’.

I have told DS that if this does escalate further, if the threats continue, if this starts again at college, we will act.

I have been seriously worried about his MH during all of this. Luckily he does have a lovely GF who has helped but these bullies have ruined his last few months of schooling and they’ve got away with it.

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