Am I pathetic

[Jellyfishcat]

I’ve had the worst 6 months of my life. My long term partner left me with two young children, only 2 and 5 (he was having an affair). He works abroad for the majority of the year.

Since this happened I’ve been really struggling. I feel I’ve been in a state of grief and it’s so consuming some days. Every day I wake up and go through the motions. essentially I am single parenting as their dad can’t commit to any childcare. Currently he has 2 days planned in what will have been four months where he will see them. I feel so desperately sad for our children.

since this all happened I feel I’ve been blamed, gaslighted, lied to, ignored and generally just made to feel like such a bad person I am almost starting to believe it. I am really struggling with feeling so invisible all of a sudden.

I acted stupidly emotionally ( I know I should not have) but I found the women on social media and messaged her. I was so angry at the time and now she has started posting humiliating me saying I’m so mean and horrible. She gives no context to why I contacted her. And I know I shouldn’t have contacted her. I really know. I just don’t understand how a women will knowingly sleep with a man in a long term relationship ( 14 years) knowing he has kids and feel ok about contributing to tearing apart a family 😢. How anyone can have any respect for a man that treats their long term partner in that way is awful. But she twisted my words made out I was so toxic and awful. Now I feel like I’m questioning my own reality. I honestly have no idea if they are still seeing each other as everything is a secret.

I have always considered myself a kind, caring and empathetic person. I have strong morals and I would never cheat. But maybe I’m kidding myself and i am just a horrible nag. A good person would be kinder wouldn’t they. I have just felt so much anger at both of them I don’t really know where to channel it. Ive cried, I’ve screamed. I’ve gone through every emotion a thousand times over. Some days are ok and others I feel like im in a total pit of despair. I long for the family we once were.

please tell me it will get better from him. Im so scared I’ll spend the rest of my life in so much pain and hurt. How do you get over being so deeply betrayed?

[BlackeyedSusan]

It is a big injury you have suffered and it will take time to recover from. You will get there. More or less.

Of course she makes out your horrible. She has to to justify herself.

[Groutyonehereagain]

I think it takes ages to feel better but eventually you do. You will wake up one day and the hurt and the shock won’t be so painful. In the meantime care for yourself. Try and do some nice things, see your friends and family, keep busy and most importantly, do not beat yourself up. 🌻

[airmaxJ]

Thank goodness you didn't spend any more years wasted on this man , he's wasted your time but at least you have 2 lovely kids from it . You will get through it , this is the angry and hurt stage trying to understand things . I went through this but it was 20 years of my life wasted. 3 years on I'm happy again and stronger than ever. You will definitely be aswell . Xx

[OrderOfTheKookaburra]

I usually hate these type of social media posts, but I would do exactly that.

"Being called mean by the woman who had an affair with my husband? I can live with that."

[SinnerBoy]

She sounds pathetic, you sound frazzled! I know it's hard, but he's a rat and now she's got him for a few years, until it's her turn to be abandoned.

You're hurt and angry, if you saw her in real life, you'd probably shout at her, it's a perfectly normal human reaction.

[WeAreTheHeroes]

She's only got what he's told her to go on. He'll have spun her a yarn. Don't take it to heart as difficult as that may be.

[bert3400]

Take some consolation that he, no doubt will cheat on her in the future.
For your health and sanity I would go to the GP. For a short course of ADs . To get you through the next few months.
Keep all contact between you and your X civil and just talk about the children and contact.
Get as much RL support as you can, ask family and friends, don't be ashamed to ask for help.
You are grieving, accept the stages you will go through.
Please ignore the SM rubbish the OW is posting or if it's so bad report her to whatever SM it is.
Also block them so you can't see it, she'll soon get bored when not getting a reaction.

Take care and just remember you have your two beautiful children....they are you priority.

[Jellyfishcat]

Thank you all for your kind words. I’m trying to keep busy in the day it’s the evenings that particularly get to me.

its so hard when you think you know someone and it turns out that it was just a lie.

[TheChosenTwo]

You’re absolutely not pathetic and you will move on from this. Just take things very slowly, don’t expect too much from yourself.
She’s only heard what he’s told her. He’s not going to have told her the truth. And people can be totally blinkered and believe what they want to believe.

[Blackbyrd]

OP, you are judging people by your own high standards. It is so difficult to rationalise other people's desperately poor behaviour when you yourself wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. Only an absolute snake would allow a married man to pursue them and as PP have said, she is so shameless that she is using your understandable hurt to justify her actions. Engage a solicitor, contact the Child Maintenance Service and claim any benefits you're entitled to. Your children are lucky to have you, try and plan some lovely days out or activities so you all have something to look forward to. Good luck

[LakeTiticaca]

Well the partner who cheats usually plays the victim of a horrible toxic spouse, in order to justify their behaviour.
My narc ex was the same, until the woman who he was cheating with actually met me and we actually got on very well. She had more sense than me and got out after the first episode of his horrible behaviour. Unlike me who had 3 children with him (now adults who he hasn't bothered with for the past 30 years)
You will get over it in time and will be happier for it xx

[Jellyfishcat]

Again thank you all for taking the time to write to me on here. It’s greatly appreciated. Your word have bought some comfort to me. It’s really to get stuck in your own head at times.

[Jellyfishcat]

Really easy to get caught up in your own head*

[SinnerBoy]

I had a horrible break up when I was 25 and spent a year feeling utterly wrecked. After that, it started to tail off, although I still mourned it. She went off with another bloke, but six months later, said it was a mistake.

I suppose I'm saying that it will take time and you won't forget it, but time does ease the feelings of despair. At least we didn't have kids to complicate things.

[ILoveMyBedTooMuch]

It's very normal to feel like this. Many of us have been there. No one thinks it will happen to them but it is very common.

It is also pretty normal for an errant H to blame you and to make you feel as if you are to blame for everything. He has rewritten his life in his terms and he is innocent.

The best things you can do are block the both of them on social media. I know it is easy to say that and not to look but do so. You will recover much faster but it won't be quick. As to getting stuck in your head - yes you are right and you know what? Often we imagine much worse or better scenarios than is actually happening. If you do find that you can't get focus in your mind as to everyday things then do see a doc and explain this to them.

You will get through this but it's not quick. I remember my doctor saying " in a year you will be relieved that this has happened" . I wouldn't say it was only a year but yes that is true. Time will give you the perspective to see what was not good about your relationship. At the moment I guess you are in the fear and panic mode which everyone goes through. As you said you have HAD the worst 6 months of your life. It will get better. Good luck!

[Whataretalkingabout]

You poor dear. I am so sorry for the terrible pain you are feeling. It sounds like you could use some real life help , a friend , your doctor or a therapist. Try to concentrate on making yourself feel better.

Your DP has probably done you a favor by making this happen more quickly by getting it all out in the open and ending it so you don't have to. Take your time to feel your feelings and grieve which will help you to start making plans for your future. You are stronger than you think !

[Shimmyshimmycocobop]

I can totally relate to this, my ex just didn't come home after working abroad for a while and he also had an affair although my kids were older than yours, being 12 and 9 at the time.
I look back and wonder how I got through it but I did. Initially the pain was so raw I felt like people could see it when they looked at me. About 3 years in I was telling people I was over it but I wasn't really. I'd say 5 years on I no longer wished him ill and actually hoped he was happy for our kids sake. That's when I knew I was over it.

It really is a form of grief in that the waves are huge and relentless at first but over time become smaller and less often.

I had counselling, anti depressants and a short course of diazepam for sleep in the early days. My friends and my mum got me through the rough patches, we got a dog to make our family feel bigger and my work also provided purpose and kept me sane.

You will get through this honestly

[beachcomber70]

It happened to me and the pain of it is awful. Forgive yourself. Anger can help you recover from the shock and disbelief, but channel it wisely...into rebuilding your life with your children to show how strong, caring and loving you are.

It's only 6 months and that isn't long. Give yourself time because you really will feel differently in a few months time. Meantime look after yourself, try and do nice things now it's summer, try different things, see friends/family, pamper yourself, eat well, sleep and rest.

In my case I was devastated as I thought we were solid. The other party didn't like me at all...she had to justify her disgusting predatory behaviour though. !8 months down the line she told me she'd never met such a liar in her life!

I went on to enjoy my children, buy my own house and meet some lovely new people. I know I was the winner in the end. You will too. We are well shot of these duplicitous people who have low morals and are completely selfish. So NO you are not pathetic, you're human [experiencing hurt and stress].

[Jellyfishcat]

I’m so sad to hear so many have been through such trauma too. I will never understand why people who want to behave in such ways bother to have long term relationships or children.

Your past experiences and how you have moved forward in time, gives me so much hope for the future. Thank you again.