DS(15) overweight and addicted to sugar and snack foods. Feeling helpless.

[mybestchildismycat]

Just that, really.

DS has always had a sweet tooth and poor impulse control, but over the past couple of years it's got increasingly out of hand and I am really worried for him and at a complete loss as to how to help him.

For background, I'd say that as a family we have a pretty healthy attitude to food in general - we mainly cook from scratch, but not fanatically so, and enjoy all kinds of food in moderation. DH and I are healthy weights (as are DD's younger siblings) and we've modelled a pretty healthy attitude towards food in general (I thought?) with no dieting or food restrictions or anything.

It's difficult to know when it started but I guess it was around 8 or 9 when I began to notice that DS just couldn't help himself around sweet food, as if he has no off switch. If we ever had sweets or cakes in the house he would take them secretly and polish them off. I did gently raise this with him but he would just say sorry and promise not to do it again (I NEVER talked about weight BTW - I always focused on health, especially how bad it is for his teeth). I was really reluctant to make a massive deal out of it because I didn't want to make food an issue for him.

But over the years it's got worse and we now cannot have any kind of sweet food in the house as all without hiding it away, or he will simply eat it all in one sitting. Just as an example, I bought a pack of Club biscuits and left them out by accident. The following morning I found the wrappers for every single one of them under his bed. I know that isn't that unusual in itself but he is like this with everything.

As I said, we generally avoid having sweet stuff in the house, but almost every night he goes down to the kichen in the middle of the night and raids the pantry. A couple of days ago I found a bowl in his room which looked like he had basically eaten a bowl of sugar with a spoon. He'll also eat any snack food he can find - for example, an entire pack of salami which he knows I needed for cooking with.

Is also harder now he has some access to his own money. I looked on his school lunch account last week and one day he had bought six cakes instead of the hot meal that the money is intended for. Yesterday I gave him some money to go to the fair with his mates and when he came home he had a carrier bag with him. I sneaked a look and he'd bought a massive bag of cheetos and a three pack (three rolls) or mentos. When I went to his room later to help him with some study I could see that he had eaten it all. All of it.

As a result of this kind of eating he is now significantly overweight. He's tall and broad anyway, but my darling boy has a double chin and a belly and he's only 15.

I just don't know what to do. Yesterday I thought about confiscating all this shit he had bought, but I am so worried about shaming him and just making him even more obsessed. But perhaps I should have done, I just don't know anymore. I spoke to him (gently) about it an he admits he doesn't want to be like this he just can't stop himself.

I'm just so worried for his future health if he carries on like this, but I feel powerless. We have never ever mentioned his weight - when we've talked it's always been about health in general - but maybe I need to talk more frankly with him? But surely he knows this already? He has literally no self control around junk food and I feel like he is a walking statistic for the obesity epedemic. I know how awful that stats are for successfully changing eating habits long term and I feel quite dispairing for him.

Has anyone got any advice about how on earth you can help a teenager manage disordered eating without fucking them up even more?

Please be kind I'm feeling very sad and worried.

Firstly you sound like a wonderful mum. I’m Rory you are going through this but you are alert to it and looking for a solution, and that’s a great first step. I would recommend a chat with your GP as first starting point. Request a phone appt first saying you wish to discuss a sensitive issue regarding your child, so you can make a plan for your DS from there. Good luck x

Sorry not Rory!

That's very kind of you, temporary. I'm trying but I don't feel like a very good mum right now, I feel I must have gone wrong somewhere in how I handled things when he was younger.

I've thought about the GP. Can they really do anything though? I understand what healthy eating looks like and he's said himself he'd like to be able to control himself better. What might a GP recommend?

I was an overweight teen of thin parents, but it's hard to know what the answer is.

I did feel judged most of the time for never being good enough. Are there things he is good at that you can focus on with him, rather than his weight all the time ? I also felt my parents were embarrassed by my weight as a poor reflection on them, so do try to hide any thoughts like that.

Does he like any sports ?DS was podgy until he got into the gym and rugby - now he has an amazing physique.

You could try getting him to up his protein intake so he feels fuller for longer. My favourite cheat snack are Aldi chocolate mousses with 20g of protein each.

But mostly please demonstrate how much you love him and are proud of him. He is more than his weight.

I agree with the previous poster. A GP could check for any underlying health conditions and put your mind at rest. Advice about healthy eating might be reinforced and have more impact on your DS if coming from a professional.

It sounds as though your DS is addicted to sugar and that's like any addiction in that the only way to break it is to withdraw from it and endure the cravings until they subside - which they will do in time. When I cut out added sugar I gradually found healthy foods with naturally occurring sugar began to taste much sweeter - fruit and veg. There isn't an easy way, unfortunately, and your DS will need willpower.

Could you afford therapy, he’s clearly a binge eater and needs professional help.

For what it’s worth you sound like a great mum, and I know lots of MN is always “don’t discuss it, it will make it worse”, but your son needs help. Do you think he’s otherwise happy?

I have stopped buying certain foods due to an issue in my house. It’s a bit different as DD was anorexic briefly then binge ate. She will binge eat crisps. Which sounds marvellous but it’s not as the brain needs healthful fats and proteins and will crave the junk until it gets what it needs

i think if you can mail breakfast it’s a good start. Eg porridge with protein powder or eggs and bacon. If you start with cereal it goes downhill from there

This sounds exactly like my ten year old daughter, especially the stealing sugar thing. I've found hidden honey and jam jars all over the house.

In the run up to Christmas, I found that my wife was giving her ten Pounds for lunch, 3 or 4 times a week. She wasn't buying lunch, she was getting family sized bags of crisps and loads of sweets.

She'll also take her to Costa and buy her one of those 5 Quid milkshake coffees, which have more calories than a farm labourer needs per day.

We had a big argument about it, but DD at least wanted to try something, so I took her to the doctor and asked about a dietician. We also put in a request to see the school nurse about it.

We were invited to healthy4life, a scheme run by North Tyneside Council. It teaches healthy eating and doing exercise. She likes swimming and does Jiu Jitsu, but that's about it - she's gone off walking!

Anyway, I think that all local authorities have similar schemes; you can speak to your doctor without your son there, if he doesn't feel like it.

My 10 year old DD is the same. She sneaks biscuits from the cupboard but denies it if you speak to her about it. She is waiting for an ASD assessment and has issues around food generally but the sneaking has only started recently since she began to be able to reach into cupboards!

One thing that has helped us is to have a "snack box". I put a selection of snacks in there for the week. It includes some biscuits but not too many and has other healthier options. I imagine that it would be harder to manage for a teen though.

Take him to the GP and get him some therapy, private if you can afford it or otherwise go through the GP or school to see if they have a counselling service.

I had some issues around food addiction when I was that age and I so wish that my parents had had more involvement and taken a lead in the situation. I was just a kid but there was so much pressure on me - yes I knew what 'healthy eating' should look like but I couldn't just do that by myself, I didn't have the mechanisms and discipline that I now have in my adult life.

You need to be involved. It might make him feel a bit down on himself, but in the long term it will be much worse if you don't get involved. He's told you that he doesn't like how he is and wants to change - he doesn't know how to - it's your role as a parent to get him the professional help he needs and give him the little push to make sure he takes part and does whatever they recommend.

This needs to be resolved now because he could be storing up a lifetime of issues with weight and food addiction if it's not nipped in the bud. Please take it seriously (as you are) and don't just leave him to manage it himself.

The other thing I'd say is at that age and being make, any positive changes to diet or doing a bit of weight training will show up quite quickly, which would be a positive incentive to continue.

Would he be interested in a few sessions with a personal trainer who could give him tips about lifting weights safely at his age and increasing protein in his diet.

he admits he doesn't want to be like this he just can't stop himself.

That he has said this is a great start. Change has to come from him. I would suggest he chooses something to read about healthy eating written by a man maybe for roll model purposes. And if he finds he can engage in the idea see if the whole family can get on board with it.

My suggestions are - the No S diet, The sweet poison quit plan and ultra processed people. All quite straightforward to follow. Having read ‘Why we eat (too much)’ I think these things are genetic, hormone driven and outside of conscious control but we can help with the food environment we put ourselves in.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply, I'm on the school run and off to work now but I'll be back later.

Are there addictions in the family eg alcohol.

We had smokers, heavy drinkers in the family and what do you know I've been diagnosed with adhd. Also I am a sugar fiend.

So chances are that was their problem. Any chance it's this.

Feed him 3 (or 4?!) good meals a day of non processed foods. Fill him up with the good stuff.
Indulge his sweet tooth- but with 'better' choices- fruit obviously- all prepared and easy for him to take- chopped kiwi/ melon/ mango/ pineapple. Or things like chocolate raisins, full fat greek yoghurt with a teaspoon of honey,You could do eton mess but with masses of strawberries and only a couple of mini meringues and a dessert spoon of cream- so he gets his sweet kick.
Look at what he eats and try to find a better option which he will still enjoy e.g. cereals- things like Krave are nothing but sugar. Bran flakes are no fun. But in the middle, you've got Weetabix choc chip minis.
Try and break the sweet/ crisp habit.
His body may be fuelling up for a huge growth spurt?

I don't think this advice will work for the DS.
Firstly it sounds like OP runs a pretty good ship already with regards to healthy meals.

Secondly I suspect the best way to get to grips with this is by the DS actually wanting to cut out sugar, not by giving him wee tastes of it in his breakfast cereal.

I'm winning at breaking my sugar addiction at the minute through basically no carbs or sugar, but I'm a middle aged woman so may not be appropriate for him.

The desire to change has to come from the DS, my well meaning DM spent a lot of time chopping carrots and making delicious fruit salads when I was a teen, but I still bought bags of chocolate bars and ate them in secret because it was an addiction.

Bless you, OP. It must be very hard.

Have you had a look at Beat’s website? https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

Eating a whole pack of biscuits and eating a night I'd be heading down the route of GP eating disorder. I was an overweight teen and adult and consider myself to have disordered eating. I still hide wrappers from my husband.

Please have a look at binge eating disorder and night eating syndrome.

I've read many of these threads in Mumsnet and your really stands out with these two activities.

Increasing activity levels is really tricky, and "you can't our run a bad diet". "80 diet 20% exercise".

@rookiemere It's advice I used with my own son. He was obese at the year 6 school weigh in. We were offered the opportunity to do a programme of diet/ nutrition advice plus exercise. The focus was not on weight loss at that age but changing habits and making adjustments to maintain weight whilst growing taller.

I think it's absolutely unnecessary - and an unhealthy attitude- to expect kids to cut out sweet things. They need to learn to enjoy them in moderation. Healthy self control doesn't mean banning foods entirely. It means learning to not eat them to excess.

I'm passing on what worked long term for my son. He is now a tall slim 15 year old.

Ah ok @PollyVerano thanks for the update. I'm so glad it worked for your DS - it's great to see them looking healthy when you worried about them before.

I guess it's very much one size doesn't fit all in approach and it's always going to be harder to control an overweight teens food choices than a younger DCs.