How to come to terms with the prospect of never being a mother

[pink620]

I am 32 this year and feeling sad that there's a strong chance I will never have a child.

I have spent most of my adult life in a relationship that has become toxic, and while he always said he wanted children, he has now admitted he doesn't want the responsibility or cost of a family. He stopped having sex with me a long time ago, perhaps due to the risk of pregnancy.

At the moment I am stuck in this marriage, which has nothing left but a bit of paper. Leaving and divorcing will be extremely messy as he will not cooperate, so it will be a long time until I'm 'free' so to speak.

That aside, realistically my time is running out if I want to meet someone new, get to know them, and get serious enough to make a family. By that time I may be passed the point of being able to. I have fibroids and while I've been told it shouldn't stop me getting pregnant, I have never put it to the test.

I've looked into getting a donor, but I know it would be very hard to do it alone.

Most days I am ok, I tell myself, well we are all going to die anyway so it doesn't matter what we accomplish in between. When I die it won't matter if I have children or not. I try and concentrate on myself and self care, and read about the benefits of a childfree life.

But then there are times when I feel a yearning in my heart. Maybe it's my hormones and body playing tricks on me and trying to get me to reproduce, as is nature.

Is there anyone who can relate - who didn't have children due to life circumstances, rather than because they couldn't due to a medical reason?

Can you explain more about why you can't leave?

It might not feel it but 32 is still very young
Hhonestly I met my dh,wen I was 31_after spending much of my 20,s single ,within six months we were married in a further six months I was pregnant with Ds1
Yes this is anecdotal but the point is anything can happen out life might look very different in a few years timr.

You are still relatively young. I met my DH at 32 and had first child at 33. I also had fibroids (didn’t know until I was pregnant).

Can you just walk out and end it. You don’t have to divorce immediately.

Leave but I have a DC and I think I would be equally happy in another life without honestly.

If you have ended the relationship it won’t take you long to move on if your marriage has been dead a long time. You’ve got plenty of time at 31 to meet someone else but also I wouldn’t hang around.

Why don’t you get some advice about separating/divorce?

Pack a bag today and go. There is literally nothing to keep you with this man for another minute. He is not your future.

32 isn’t that old. You should pack your bags and go. Do you have a good job? In your situation I’d prob look into having a child on my own.

I wouldn't stay in a toxic relationship just because it'll wear your self esteem down.

Time is not running out, you have years ahead of you to meet someone new and have children. If that doesn't happen then there's adoption or a donor embryo and do IVF. Plenty of options but first you need to look after number 1 and do what's right for you.

It isn't too late my angel. I had a baby (donor egg though) at age 45.

If you are only 32 then it's up to you really, leave and have kids (takes 5 minutes to leave, you don't need to be divorced to date or have kids), or stay and don't.
At this point it's a choice, not a decision taken out of your hands by health or circumstance.

I met my husband when I was 33. We now have four children. Get yourself going and get the life you want.

This thread will soon be taken over by stories of women who had babies in their late 30s and early 40s. You must already know of women who have.

So my question is not how to come to terms with your life circumstances, but why on earth are you trying to?! Seek support from women's aid, solicitors, a therapist etc and get out. You don't need the divorce to be finalised to date. Within three or four years you could be snuggling up with a newborn. Fight for that dream.

It may be difficult to leave, but at least you are putting your own needs first and giving yourself a chance. You can't stay in a miserable, childless marriage for the rest if your life. Why would you? Start investigating what it will take to leave and hopefully that will make you feel more in control. I don't think being trapped in a miserable marriage is demonstrating 'self-care'.

You're not too old to be a mother and have the life you want.....yet.
If you waste another ten years with this man you probably will be too old.
It's your decision, I wouldn't be hanging around with this guy any longer than I had to.
Just bare in mind, if you do separate there is a good chance he will move onto another woman and have kids with her.....not sure why so many men do this, its like they have a wife/partner 'for now' and the next one is the one they build a family life with.

It’s not ideal not to have found a partner to have kids with at 32 but it’s not THAT late.

The fact it will take a while to sort your divorce is neither here nor there really, as soon as you leave you are single and can start looking. You can explore having children alone as part of that also.

If there are specific reasons it’s hard to leave if you share them people will have advice.

With all the kindness in the world, when I clicked the title I expected the thread to be less about your material circumstances - dead end, loveless marriage - and more that you're in your late 40s with an ovulatory disorder. That is not to say your concerns are not valid. You've rightly looked at your reality and figured out it does not come close to matching what you want out of life. As daunting as it seems can you not focus on planning your next steps, be it divorce and further to that getting yourself to a mental space in which you are ready to date - as that brings new set of challenges. Then go from there. This very much isn't the end of the story.