To ask if you think it’s rude not to go over to the in laws!

[Userno36373647346373]

if your partner and dc were going over ^ it is fine to stay home, right?

back story, two kids both with SEN, oldest has complex needs. Dp is a great dad, but works a lot so I’m holding ship at home a lot of the time, dealing with school stuff, school refusal, council and appointments etc. As well as having my own struggles with MH. I am off work at the mo but life is still chaotic with everything going on.

sometimes, say once or twice a month dp will take dc to his mums on a Sunday, so they can see her and also it’s nice for me to get a couple hours chilled out time on a sunday, as my life is anything but chilled most days, I can’t tell you how much it helps me. Even just to be able to do housework alone in leave and reset for the coming week.

it is not that I dislike his mum, she can be a pain at times but we generally get on okay, sometimes I have to bite my lip.

she only lives 10 minutes away so not far and they don’t see her much otherwise, she’s either at work or quite often off on her
jolly’s! I do see her at times but on the Sundays I tend to stay home. She always has a house full with do’s younger siblings who often have people staying, she wants to see the kids, not me.

I have learnt that shes been saying she finds it quite rude that I don’t go over there.

It is not like we don’t have contact, sometimes in the summer we will all go out, I go over at Christmas, birthdays, special events etc, we have regular contact over text/messenger. Sometimes she will pop over here.

is it rude? As a mother in law (no we aren’t married but we’ve been together a long time) would you be offended if your daughter in wanted a couple hours peace?

You are absolutely entitled to stay at home and recharge on Sundays !! Right now dh is over with his parents and the dc and I’m having a coffee and then tackling some batch cooking and cleaning then off to the cinema at 8 !!!

I run the ship most of the time and his mother is moany and he’s not expected to do the emotional labour at mine - whoever is telling you she’s complaining make sure to tell them she’s his mother and you have your family to sort !! I have had digs too but I don’t care

This type of emotional guilt is exactly what you don’t need - plus you have a lot on your plate with your own family. I’ve struggled with my head issues and I’m putting boundaries in place. People are shocked but funny - the less I let people use me the better my head / well-being is !!!

Whilst I do think you need to recharge it does seem a bit rude never to go, could you perhaps go over every 3rd time or something as a compromise that still allows you some time off?

I think it's a bit rude if you literally never go so in your shoes I would maybe join the visit 1 time in 4

Absolutely not rude to not go every time though

Seems rude that you never visit someone 10 minutes away, yes

I think it's rude to never go, but if the visits are fortnightly, it's fine to go only half the time or 1:3

So effectively your partner is using his mum as a babysitter in time when he is primary parent to the dc to give you a break. I would tell her how sweet it is that when he could take the children out and do anything with them, he chooses to go to her. Make it clear that it wouldn't be you coming over more but everyone else coming less if she wants to see you all together.

I love my daughter in laws, they are wonderful girls and I look forward to seeing them. Of course I look forward to seeing my sons and grandchildren but my relationship with my daughter in laws is very special to me.
Occasionally I have seen one of my sons without his wife but if that was a frequent occurrence I’d be worried that there was a problem.
As they live so close by could you go with them and stay for the first hour and then make your excuses and leave or at least go once a month?
Men can be rubbish at delivering messages, maybe your MIL didn’t call you rude, maybe your partner worries your absence comes across as rude.

It’s not like that, he takes them over for lunch and they have a play and come home. She invites them over. Ds only responds to me and or dp so he’s watching him like a hawk the whole time. He takes them out other places without me, he’s fab x

@Lovepeaceunderstanding would you be more understanding if your gcs had sen and your DILs never got a break otherwise?

Be upfront with her - you don’t come because it’s your only time to yourself.

Yes this, just be honest. For all she knows you take any chance you can to get out of seeing her because you hate her or whatever, just say you value time to yourself.

She knows this, I’ve said, he’s said but I’m still in her eyes a non working mum with so much time on my hands apparently 🙄

Maybe (as said above) go the odd Sunday afternoon - I do call over about once a month but that’s more than enough I think

Yanbu it's not rude at all

I would understand of course but the OP asked how MILs would feel about this and I’ve answered that from my perspective.

How often does your partner come with you to visit your parents? I've often noticed that women are expected to play a much larger role in their inlaws lives than men are. My husband sees my mother probably twice a year including Christmas. Doesn't bother my mum. I see his parents probably 6 or 8 times a year, but I know they think I'm rude not to see them more often. To be honest, I'm as keen to see them as DH is to see my mother, but men can get away with it while women get criticised.

I go 1 in 3/4. I had to suggest they go without me sometimes.
I'm a decent enough DIL. DH is a decent enough Son in law.
So if its interpreted as rude rather than a chance for me to do chores without them underfoot that's just tough.

They go once or twice a month? It's not that often. I think you should make the effort to go once a month at least.

I agree with @JjennyWren, it's such a double standard. I often go to my mums without DH, no issues. Every time DH sees his mum (not very often), I am expected to be there, the odd time I have made my excuses it has been considered rude.

In your situation, OP, you are probably damned if you do go, and damned if you don't.

Secretly, I am sure that lots of mums love to see their adult child - male or female - without the partner sometimes. Not because they don't like them, but simply because the 'couple' dynamic is generally different and can be less relaxing. However, if the partner is deemed to stay at home or do their own thing too often, then they might take that to mean that the partner doesn't like them.

If you generally have a reasonable relationship with your mil, maybe you could gently explain to her that you get so little time to yourself that those particular Sundays are a a rare and much-needed opportunity for you to have some time alone just to chill out and unwind.

If, on the other hand, you don't have a good relationship with her, I wouldn't even bother mentioning it to her, as it's unlikely to make her any more understanding!

I would go insane if I had to visit my MIL once a month. You’re not that often is my all the time

Once or twice a month lives 10mins away ye i would probably hope for a little effort to see her. On the other hand not sure why your other half takes the children out so little, you should be getting chill time a couple of times a week at least surely. My hubby works fulltime and we have 4, 3 are under 2yrs and not only does he come home and help as soon as he gets in but at least twice a week he will be off with them beach,parks,picnics,family visits and I get an afternoon to myself or a couple of hours in an evening if he worked all day etc. I never have to ask him either and one of ours has a lot of extra needs but hey it makes life a little more interesting. Try having a chat and get yourself a little more time you deserve it to