People pleasing, lack of confidence and age

[Greenable]

It seems to me that many women start out lacking in confidence and with a tendency to people please. This seems to get better in our 40s. This is my experience. I seemed to shape myself to fit in with those around me. I still don’t trust myself to be assertive but I’m not as much of a pushover as I used to be.

What makes us like this? It seems to be such a common pattern I wonder whether it was biology, hormones or social influences.

I was born in the 1970s. I wonder if this is a pattern for our generation. Or is it always like this?

Upbringing and social conditioning.

I wonder how much male behaviour in the same period had to do with it. I don’t mean to man bash but it seems if they were conditioned to be more confident and were generally seen as more competent it would backwash onto women.

I think it is a generation thing and it came from parents. I was brought up to look feminine, expected to do well as school, don't be confrontational. No one really expected me to be more than a housewife with a part time job or have a career. All the real attention, hopes and aspirations went to my brother, which gave him the confidence.

I was the first one to go to university, got a job and a career in tech. But it took a lot of time for me to gain confidence and become more assertive. Bizarrely working with men actually helped I think.

My mother was a very reserved housewife. When she was young it was unusual for girls to go to university. She encouraged me a lot to do well and I often what encouragement she received in the 1950s/60s

*often wonder

I guess , usually , with age comes experience and confidence .
I'm following this with interest as I'm finding the opposite has happened to me. I've always been fairly easy going / accommodating / people pleasing . But now I'm heading towards 50 and it's getting ridiculous! I tie myself up in knots worrying about what others think and trying to be who others want me to be . I kept hoping age would give me that self confidence and assertiveness I keep hearing about .
I'm going to follow this for inspiration .

I was never conditioned to be nice. My parents must have missed the memo. But my sister ended up a bit of a people pleaser anyway with the same upbringing.

I think part of it comes down to self esteem and being people-centered. She had low self esteem and is extroverted, so I guess that even without social conditioning, you try to bend to get people to like you.

(thinking about it, SHE was the one putting pressure on me to behave certain ways, a lot more than my parents ever did!)

But I was more interest focused, and was a very confident girl, so there was no reward in people pleasing.

Hi @cockeyedoptimist I’m curious to see what others say too. I was so lacking in confidence when I was younger that if I become less confident as I get older I will probably think I’m about the same as before!

That’s an interesting observation @thecatsthecats It’s made me realise my lack of confidence was people related, not task related.

I don't think it's age. I was born in the 80s and my mum is a pushover/people pleaser. More upbringing. I was up until my mid 20s but am more assertive now.

I was brought up in the 70s too but my mum, (although a traditional housewife) was a bit of a secret feminist and this rubbed off. So no, I was never a people pleaser - I cringe and hate to see when women have been socialised as such.