I’m 50 and realising that I don’t seem to think the same as other people. I do get sad about animals dying, about the thought of my children / husband being Ill or dying but that’s about the extent of it.
I don’t feel a lot of empathy for people, I say all the right things but deep down I’m not really feeling it. I don’t get upset when I see awful things happening to other people on the news for instance. I’ll say ‘how awful’ but it doesn’t bother me.
I love my (now adult) children but never felt that huge rush of love with them, it grew. I love my husband but I know I’d survive without him. I feel like I have a wall around me, have been this way since a child.
My childhood was spent with a mother with depression and anxiety, prone to tempers, outbursts, you never knew if she’d be loving towards you or cruel. I got smacked, shouted at. I was a nervous child always trying to people please. My brother the golden child, me the scapegoat.
My father was passive, didn’t offer any protection, he wanted an easy life from my mother. As an adult he eventually cut tie’s because I wasn’t interested in forming a relationship with his bitchy new girlfriend, I’d had enough of that behaviour with my own mother.
I think I’ve built a wall to protect myself, try not to feel too much, the pain of rejection is physical, I can still feel it in my stomach if I think back.
im not sure what the point of this post is, do others feel the same? I’m not sure I want to open my emotions at this time of my life, it may change who I am. I’m warm and loving towards my immediate family, I say all the right things, I just don’t always feel it inside.