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I’m emotionally blunt, I think I always have been

8 replies

Chchchchaaanges · 20/05/2023 08:01

I’m 50 and realising that I don’t seem to think the same as other people. I do get sad about animals dying, about the thought of my children / husband being Ill or dying but that’s about the extent of it.

I don’t feel a lot of empathy for people, I say all the right things but deep down I’m not really feeling it. I don’t get upset when I see awful things happening to other people on the news for instance. I’ll say ‘how awful’ but it doesn’t bother me.

I love my (now adult) children but never felt that huge rush of love with them, it grew. I love my husband but I know I’d survive without him. I feel like I have a wall around me, have been this way since a child.

My childhood was spent with a mother with depression and anxiety, prone to tempers, outbursts, you never knew if she’d be loving towards you or cruel. I got smacked, shouted at. I was a nervous child always trying to people please. My brother the golden child, me the scapegoat.

My father was passive, didn’t offer any protection, he wanted an easy life from my mother. As an adult he eventually cut tie’s because I wasn’t interested in forming a relationship with his bitchy new girlfriend, I’d had enough of that behaviour with my own mother.

I think I’ve built a wall to protect myself, try not to feel too much, the pain of rejection is physical, I can still feel it in my stomach if I think back.

im not sure what the point of this post is, do others feel the same? I’m not sure I want to open my emotions at this time of my life, it may change who I am. I’m warm and loving towards my immediate family, I say all the right things, I just don’t always feel it inside.

OP posts:
HatchlingDragon · 20/05/2023 08:13

Sorry you feel this way. That's is tough. My advice - get yourself along to the Stately homes thread. All survivors of a traumatic childhood due to parental abuse. You will find solidarity and no judgement.

Chchchchaaanges · 20/05/2023 08:25

Thank you so much HatchlingDragon

OP posts:
Beezknees · 20/05/2023 08:31

I am the same OP. I didn't have a great childhood, I had a baby when I was 18 and became a lone parent quickly. I don't trust anyone now. I'd rather expect the worst from people than end up disappointed again and I don't want to be vulnerable to anyone so I just stay closed off. I love my DS deeply, but I can take or leave anyone else, I really like my friends and enjoy their company but I wouldn't be devastated if I never saw them again honestly.

Trixiedrum · 20/05/2023 08:32

I think this is probably not so unusual. Your theory sounds very plausible.

It’s understandable if you don’t want to try to change things at this stage in your life, it would be difficult to do and possibly very painful. I’d imagine it would need a long course of psychotherapy, and you’d really need to be committed to do that.

I would argue that the important thing is the choices you make - to act kindly and show love to those who love you, even if you’re not always feeling it, is an act of love and devotion that maybe means even more coming from someone who needs to exert real effort to make it happen.

I think you could change if you wanted to, and that would be a brave thing to do. But I don’t think you should feel any guilt for choosing to carry on as you are if you want to.

Choconutty · 20/05/2023 08:50

I think I'm the same - I've definitely felt 'like' and desire and attraction, but the only people I'd say I truly love to my core are my kids - and like you, that grew rather than existed from the beginning. The only time I've welled up at movies or news is since having kids I can't watch things where children are harmed.

I'm still known for being kind and friendly and helpful - there's no need for other people to know that when my grandmother died (who I liked a lot, don't get me wrong) I didn't feel any lingering sadness, I could immediately accept she was gone, same with family pets - instantly over it.

TBH I'm happy as I am, I'm not sure what me being knocked for 6 whenever something sad happens would help anyone.

HatchlingDragon · 20/05/2023 08:56

Thanks for posting this @Chchchchaaanges it is really helping strike a chord for me today.

coffeeisthebest · 20/05/2023 09:12

I can relate to this strongly. I also grew up never knowing if I was going to receive love or rejection. For me, I got to the point where my mental/emotional health reached crisis point and I have been in long term therapy (it needs to be with someone who entirely understands the rejected child that you were) and it has taken me a long time to claw my way out of a very dark place, but I realise looking back that the emotional wall I was living behind before I fell apart was also bleak and lifeless. I am not saying that you should do the work, it is hard and scary at times and can be bloody lonely and you may find that other people don't understand why you are doing it, I just wonder if by mulling this over and posting here you are considering it. Good luck OP. You deserved more as a child and you are worth it now.

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