How to feel the same after finding out about adoption?

[Honoriaa]

This might sound a bit daft. But recently, we found out that my dmum was adopted. She's known for over 30 years but decided to keep it secret until both of her adopted parents (my grandparents) were gone.

I was very very close with her parents, my grandparents. But after finding out that they were not her 'blood' parents, I feel somewhat gutted. I know, it's ridiculous, as they were the most amazing caring people, and still my family. But I feel like I've lost a 'bond' with them.

Think of it this way, they chose to love your DM and you. They actively made a choice to open their hearts and love and adopt your mum and dote on her future family. That bond was real.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Your Mum should either have told you much sooner, or not at all. I'm assuming your upset is about the notion of being 'duped' (for want of a better word), rather than anything else. The emotional bond you had with your grandparents is unchanged. My advice would be don't dwell on it - families are created in lots of different ways, how we become part of a family doesn't (and shouldn't) define us.

You have every right to feel destabilised by this. If your mum had told you about from when you were little it would be your "normal". But she didn't and that must be a shock and stir up a lot complicated feelings for you.

I'm assuming from what you are saying that she found out she was adopted but her parents didn't know that she knew?

Totally get it. Found out at 12 my dad was adopted, was completely blindsided even though it technically made no difference at all really. It's a very odd feeling. My father was fiercely loyal to his (adoptive) parents and didn't want to say anything until they'd both died and that almost made it worse for me, because it was too late for me to process it properly. But again, not my thing to process.... Very strange feeling and even now, 30+ years later, I still feel a bit conflicted about it, not that I'd ever tell my dad.
So no advice, but I get it!

See if you can move this thread to the adoptions board, I think you'd get some really good insight from there.

I think it is understandable to feel a bit lost, possibly could be because its changed your own identity/who you thought you were. Like another poster has said, if you'd always known it would have been water off a ducks back.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process this.

I found out that my mum was adopted and it makes absolutely no difference, my grandma was one of the most important people in my life and I still love her with all of my heart.

I found her bio mum and a (also adopted) sister and a cousin who grew up with my mum's bio mum as her grandma and I feel very little towards them. It was nice knowing the story behind the adoption by ultimately they are strangers.

Can I ask how old your mum is? There was so much stigma around adoption in previous generations.

At the time your GPs adopted the prevailing wisdom was clean break, don't tell.
Now it is 'bring children up knowing'.
Your DM has been caught between 2 cultures.

I hope you can readjust in light of this new info, and realise that though not blood related, their actions speak for themselves over your lifetime.

OP I was adopted and don't think I am going to tell my kids, at least til much older and realistically remaining GPs will be gone by then. The reasons are quite complex. I have traced and met my bio mum and she does not want her other kids to know. I feel i should respect this. Also she had to raise her family down the road from bio dad and his family, their kids even went to school together. If I turned up it would rip that village apart. I feel my kids would make it about themselves tracing their family tree without really understanding the implications of that. They are still young so maybe I'll come clean later. I hate being secretive and it scares me when DS recently talked about a DNA test but I feel this is the right decision for now. I'm same ethnicity as both bio and adopted parents so it's a bit easier if he were to take tests.

I get that you are taken aback but that will pass. If you met bio GPs you would probably feel nothing anyhow. I never felt a connection with bio Mum and grew up with lots of uncles and cousins and feel i have a rightful place in the extended family. I do wonder however if they gossip about it amongst themselves.