I've name changed for this post.
Long story short:
Does anyone have any recommendations for a therapist who treats agoraphobia? Or if outside of Manchester, remotely?
Long story :
When I was 20, I had a horrific panic attack whilst on holiday. I was standing on the balcony, after my evening shower, with a bottle of water, when my legs went from underneath me and I passed out momentarily. I laid on my side, naked, for around 3 minutes unable to move or contemplate what had actually happened.
I was then stuck there for two weeks in what can only be described as a "right state". Extreme agitation, paranoia, about 2 hours of broken sleep per night which turned in to 18 solid months or depersonalization.
I couldn't articulate what had happened or what I was going through to the drs so they just prescribed me with beta blockers and sent me on my way. These did nothing as my anxiety wasn't physical, it was totally mental. I genuinely believed I had schizophrenia and I was going to be locked up. I went back to another GP who prescribed me with a tablet called flupenthixol which stated in my draw for 6 months as I'd developed ocd, and was convinced any sort of medication would kill me. I couldn't leave a "safe zone" of around 2 miles from my house.
Eventually I decided I'd rather be dead than live like this. So I took the pill. Within 15 minutes, I was back to myself. I cried with happiness. The depersonalization lifted, I ate a sandwich and enjoyed it, with out checking my body for signs of poisoning. I was free after that one pill.
2 years later, I started a new job. On the first day, it happened again. I couldn't believe it. I could not believe I was back to square one. On the floor of an office in front of people I've never met, unable to move or speak. The doctor now decided to tell me that flupentixol was an antipsychotic and should not be treating anxiety so I couldn't have it again.
I'm on fluoxetine now for around 9 years which keeps the ocd and anxiety at bay, but I've never been able to leave my safe zone. This is now about 10 miles in one direction so I can work and go to town, all the everyday things which I'm so grateful for.
But I want to feel sand between my toes and sea water on my skin. I want to be able to get on a plane and not have my mind split in two while stuck in a tube in the air, from which I can't escape. I want to see things and eat new foods without being so terrified of my mind destroying it's self.
If anyone has gotten to the end of this, thank you for reading. It's the first time I've got it all out in one place.
Anyway, anyone know how or who can fix me 😂