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Original poster

How can I get DC to ‘see’ me?

20 replies

TrueLady78 · 19/05/2023 19:15

I know it’s common for kids to not appreciate their mum. I’ve laughed it off up to now, but now it’s really beginning to upset me.

DC are 15 and 11 and as far as they’re concerned Dad is everything. I’m actually the one who earns more, cooks most of the meals, sorts out what they need for school, makes sure the things they need are washed etc etc. DH does do some of this stuff but it’s ‘optional’ when he feels like it. He does do a clinical role in the NHS which is stressful and tiring so I don’t mind taking more responsibility. I can also wfh do have more time.

I’ve tried explaining how much I do for them and that I actually have a good job which is full time. My DS literally thought I’d failed my GCSEs and I had to show him my degree & certificates to prove it!

They seem to think Dad is amazing and does everything and I ‘do nothing’. He might cook 1 meal in 2 weeks or sort out their PE kit for them once and that’s what they remember. Nothing I do is seen by them. Oh and I’ve tried stopping doing things for them but that doesn’t work as then that confirms that I ‘do nothing’.

My DH was out of work for 4 years with depression and I’m the one who kept a roof over our head, the bills paid and provided everything they all needed whilst looking after him too. I done expect them to realise that but it grates that I get no appreciation at all.

OP posts:

Haggisfish3 · 19/05/2023 19:17

Does dh recognise and acknowledge you?

SeaToSki · 19/05/2023 19:17

Can your DH talk positively about what you do and how hard you work in front of the dc?

crumpet · 19/05/2023 19:18

Are they learning this from their dad?

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Luredbyapomegranate · 19/05/2023 19:19

Haggisfish3 · 19/05/2023 19:17

Does dh recognise and acknowledge you?

This.

Why would your son think you’d failed your exams? That seems odd.

It also sounds like your DH needs to do more.

You are only going to get so much out of teens, but make your achievements and your contributions clear to them.

hystericaluterus · 19/05/2023 19:27

I agree with PP. Your DH needs to model appreciation. I think sometimes children tend to have a bit of hero worship of the less hands-on parent (they are not enforcing things). I had the same happen to me albeit when my children were much longer. I discussed with my spouse and although they were already doing a good job, they really upped the ‘isn’t mum amazing!’ narrative.

Goldbar · 19/05/2023 19:35

You don't need to prove yourself to your kids.

Teens are awful. I remember getting annoyed with my mother as a teen for making me do really basic chores, nothing onerous. I liked my dad because he never "nagged" and ordered takeaway when mum was out rather than cooking. Mum was the grumpy one who got annoyed with us... oh and also worked full time and did almost all the cooking, cleaning and organising. But like your DC, I didn't really "see" that as a teen. Looking back, I appreciate everything she did for us and think she was (and still is) amazing. I understand her blow-outs were just her at the end of her tether with being the "default" adult who had to take responsibility for getting shit done. But that's insight that's come from having to operate as an independent, functioning adult.

In your position, I'd be less concerned with getting them to "see" you and more concerned with setting your own healthy boundaries regarding how much you do for them and what they contribute to the household. Chances are they'll moan and be ungrateful whatever.

Original poster

TrueLady78 · 19/05/2023 19:42

My DH’s depression was caused by low self esteem so he’s learnt to ‘shout out’ what he does whereas I just get on with it all. It’s slightly complicated because I don’t want my DH to feel I’m pointing out how much more I contribute (physically and financially) to the household. He’s already had to deal with the loss of his career and that I’m now earning more than him. His job now is at a lower grade and I’m thankful he’s able to manage it. I can’t risk him getting depressed again it will break me.

OP posts:

NewLeafAgain · 19/05/2023 19:42

If 15 yr old isn't in middle of exams I'd be tempted to just stop doing anything for them all. (But keep up things like bills if that's your "job" because falling behind on those isn't worth it!) Make a general list what needs done and make it clear you are having a break for a week. Outline the food budget if needed. Sort yourself only. And in your new free time, take yourself out to meet friends, get your hair done or whatever you would enjoy.

Goldbar · 19/05/2023 19:48

TrueLady78 · 19/05/2023 19:42

You both contribute to the household though. He's doing his best and you're doing yours, and actually, you should be able to say that you're doing a pretty good job without him finding it undermining.

Heroicallyfound · 19/05/2023 19:50

You can detach from needing others’ appreciation. It’s a drag on other people when you need this. If you do things because you want to and because they make you feel good, then any appreciation from others is a cherry on top. It’s a subtle internal shift for you to make (it’s your relationship with yourself that has to change) but it has great rewards for your external relationships (your relationship with others). The weird thing is that when you appreciate what you do, others around you tend to respect you more.

W0tnow · 19/05/2023 19:53

I think if any of my children accused me of doing ‘nothing’ , I actually would.

YaWeeSkitter · 19/05/2023 20:13

When your DH was out of work for the 4 years he and your DC would have spend more time together than they normally would have. So in their minds he is the primary carer. The fact that you were working full time to provide for the family would have gone over their heads. Dad was 'there' .
Time to redraw their view of the family dynamic I think. They are old enough to understand how things are. Your DH should be expected to support all that you do without it reflecting badly on himself.

UWhatNow · 19/05/2023 20:17

Time to start teaching them a bit of independence then! If you are always running around after them and mummying them they won’t see you in any other capacity.

At 15 and 11 they should be doing things for themselves. You’re doing them no favours modelling that intelligent, working women also carry most of the domestic burden too. No wonder there is little respect.

Restinggoddess · 19/05/2023 20:21

It may be when they are older that they ‘see’ you - at the moment the work
you do is not on their radar
However, when they leave home and have to work and run their own home - they will tell you how tired they are/ how much everything costs etc etc - Then they will see you

babypleasenow · 19/05/2023 20:26

If they are accusing you of doing nothing and don't appreciate the things you do, it seems they are learning these comments from someone else. Kids don't naturally think up these thoughts.

It sounds like you or someone else is making it a competition.

Also, kids don't have to worship the ground you walk on because you keep a roof over their heads or have a full time job. It sounds like you're resentful to your husband maybe, by the way you've worded this post.

I wouldn't punish them for not appreciating you, instead look where this attitude and where these comments could be coming from. But at 11&15 they should be sorting out pe kits themselves. even doing some of the wash loads isn't unreasonable.

StripeyDeckchair · 19/05/2023 20:28

I think you should just stop doing everything
Indulge yourself for a couple of weeks and see if your input is appreciated more

DC what's for dinner?
YOU I don't know I don't do anything around this house

CooCooCaChu · 19/05/2023 20:28

Heroicallyfound · 19/05/2023 19:50

Who does the washing because they want to and it makes them feel good, though?

jannier · 19/05/2023 20:33

Do your children have chores? At 15 cooking once a week a simple meal like spag bol as well....

Lifeinlists · 19/05/2023 20:55

Sounds like you need more support from your DH. You should be a team. Is he subtly undermining you when you're not around? Where has the idea that you have no GCSEs come from? Is he jealous?

Lots to unpick but don't stand for unkind remarks from your DC, teens or not.

Heroicallyfound
OP isn't looking for new ways of seeing her tasks; she's pissed off with having more than her share of physical, emotional and mental burdens. Personal satisfaction in a shiny kitchen floor isn't going to change the family dynamic one iota.

Heroicallyfound · 19/05/2023 23:58

CooCooCaChu · 19/05/2023 20:28

Who does the washing because they want to and it makes them feel good, though?

Show quote history

Lots of people. Because they like caring for their children, they enjoy having a clean ordered house, because the routine of housework gives them a mindful moment, because they’re grateful for the luxury of clean clothes, because they like the smell of laundry powered and the hum of the machine, because they like the feeling of slipping into clean sheets at night… There’s loads of happy reasons to do the washing in itself without being appreciated or thanked by someone else. Things can either be done with a grateful heart or a resentful heart. If you really don’t want to do the washing, don’t do the washing!

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