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Original poster

DD miserable at University

13 replies

thecolourpurple49230 · 19/05/2023 17:49

My DD (20) is in her second year at University and terribly unhappy. She had a pretty rocky first year and didn't really get on very well with her flat, it wasn't active disagreements more that they were very different people and just weren't close. She did befriend one of her flatmates however this girl essentially 'dumped her' once she found better friends on her sports team. DD is in a house of four girls now (including this flatmate from first year) and although the year started well the girls began to leave her out of a lot of things. They will discuss activities and nights out they are going on in front of my DD and still not invite/ involve her. I really worry about the impact this has had on my DD's self esteem and confidence, she has gone from being a happy bubbly child to really unsure of herself and quiet. I just get the sense she is very lonely. Not really sure what Im looking for here but wondering if anyone else's children have been through similar things. I loved my time at Univeristy and I'm just so sad it hasn't been the same for her.

OP posts:
Motnight · 19/05/2023 17:54

That is such a shame, Op. Has your DD joined any clubs? Does she have friends on the course?

I think that all you can do is check in on her regularly and let her know that she is loved. Any chance that you can visit her and take her out and treat her to a lovely day?

Quitelikeit · 19/05/2023 17:57

Can she re let her room?

Can you also contact her university for advice? There’s definitely pastoral care/student support people to lean on in these types of situations

Those girls are vile!!! And they are the issue not your poor daughter

Quitelikeit · 19/05/2023 17:57

Also she could do a pt job? That might help her meet others

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20 years old
StaySpicy · 19/05/2023 17:57

I had a horrible time at uni. I was quite lonely. I wish I'd quit when I was going to at the beginning of my second year because then I wouldn't have big debts and perhaps would be doing something I enjoy with my life. I often look back at my time there with regret.

Waterfallgirl · 19/05/2023 18:02

That’s sounds tough for her and you to have to hear she’s experiencing this.
They sound like they are effectively bullying her and that’s tough.

You say she in her second year -I assume she is nearly at the end of year 2 ?( My DC had finished their Uni year by now ) if so does she have accommodation for the next year? in which case will be away from this group of girls next year ?

Is she happy with the academic side of things there?

If so, would she be up for really pushing her social life in other areas by joining different interest classes or societies? To try to bond with others on the course or indeed other courses?

I’m not sure on options if she needs to take more drastic action…

  • could she defer her third year ( maybe do work in her chosen field from home then return in one year?)
  • transfer to another Uni who would accept her course completion so far ( I know you can do that after 1 year but unsure after2?)
  • can she return home and study remotely or travel in?

I know none of the above are ideal but if you are worried about her emotional / mental health I’d be reassuring her it’s ok to make any decision so it’s right for her.

momster · 19/05/2023 18:08

It's tough and as a parent you feel so helpless. My daughter has just finished year 1 and has found the social side hard. Didn't get on with flatmates and experiencd similar unpleasant behaviour as your daughter.
She almost didn't go back after Christmas but wants to complete her degree so we agreed a plan of action which included

Joining a couple of societies
Joining the gym
Part time job

All of which were essentially about filling her time and getting her out of her room

She is also transferring to another uni from September. Don't know if this is an option but worth exploring as a change of scenery might help reset things.

Reluctantadult · 19/05/2023 18:08

My time at uni was a bit like this. I certainly didn't make my friends for life there, like many people seem to. In hindsight I also didnt enjoy house sharing. I much prefer being an adult, having my job, my house, and I've got great friends now I met in other ways. I think the expectations for things like your uni friends are friends for life, you'll meet a partner etc, are so high, which doesn't help. If its useful you can tell your daughter what I have said.

mrswhiplington · 19/05/2023 18:55

As others have said keeping busy will help. My DD is finishing her third year which she has found a bit more difficult than the others. She has friends but is sharing a flat with one of them. This other girl has a partner and often stays with them so my DD can be on her own in the flat a lot. She joined a gym and got a job in a bar so that takes up a lot of her time. She works some evenings as well so that definitely helps. I know how helpless you can feel when they are so far away.

Babyroobs · 19/05/2023 18:59

My ds is the same, although not unhappy in his accomodation, he just hasn't really made many friends and hates the area ( Aston ). He is looking to switch Uni and start all over again in a new city which at first I was aghast at because of the cost of an extra year but ultimately feel his mental health is the priority here. He just can't wait to finish now for the year and neither can I as I am worried about him. What with this going on and dd being a total wreck doing A'levels, sobbing all the time, I feel like my own MH is taking a tumble too ! It is horrible when our kids are unhappy.

UsingChangeofName · 19/05/2023 21:58

What has she done to meet people ?
What teams has she joined?
What clubs or societies?
Where does she work?

Thistlelass · 19/05/2023 23:46

I suppose Halls of Residence out of the question next year?

Tinfoilhatwearer · 19/05/2023 23:59

Let her quit and come home. If she wants to continue she can credit transfer to the open university and finish it that way. What is the priority for her now is managing her mental well-being.

dubyalass · 20/05/2023 08:19

My first year was a bit like this - five of us put in a house together rather than halls and two were people I wouldn't have chosen to live with. At the end of the first year they all announced they were getting a house together and left me on my own (gutting at the time although I was actually secretly relieved in a way). I answered an ad looking for housemates and ended up in a great house with people with similar interests and we're still in touch now, 25 years later. Perhaps your daughter could do that? I was really lonely and miserable in my first year but things got much better. I do now wish I'd got involved with more societies/joined a sports team but at the time I was more interested in going clubbing 🙄

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