Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

How to stop worrying over adult children

16 replies

daydreamerdreaming · 19/05/2023 15:34

looking for advice i have 2 adult children and i constantly worry over them .
One as moved out 20 my youngest is 18 .
Today my 18 year old said there both going out drinking and i cant stop worrying now what state they will get in will they get hurt etc etc i know there adults but how do you step back from it all we have had problems in the past but things have been really good this past year both work earn there own money .
But i just want to stop worrying It's like fear when they go out .
So if you have been through this how did you calm your self or stop .
I just want to say there adults now let them deal with it and step back but the worry is still there.

OP posts:

tsmainsqueeze · 19/05/2023 16:01

I wish i knew the answer ,i certainly worry a lot more now about my 2 adult sons than when they were younger , i have a 15 year old daughter who i don't yet worry about ,but i'm sure i will !
I think focus on likelihoods ,there is a much ,much bigger chance of all being well than a disaster happening.

Gloriousgardener11 · 19/05/2023 16:19

I always think to myself that the percentage chance of them being hurt or harmed is very small compared to the percentage chance of them having a great time.
Console yourself in the fact that you've done the very best you can to bring them up as responsible adults and the fact they aren't still tied to your apron strings like some young adults I know.
Job well done !

Nutterjacks · 19/05/2023 16:56

I have three grown up DD's The eldest has always made terrible relationship choices so always has problems, the youngest has a lifelong health condition (which at times is very debilitating) so lots of different worries there.
The middle DD has done very well for herself, knows what she wants, gets on with everything and I worry that our relationship isn't great because we don't have as much interaction as I do with the other two.
It seems as though there's always something to worry about whatever age your DC's are.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

AnyFucker · 19/05/2023 16:59

You don’t sorry. Just because they are no longer children doesn’t make the worry stop.

Both of mine have left home now and I worry about all sorts of things for them.

CurlewKate · 19/05/2023 17:02

I'm afraid you don't. I remember my 90 year old mother worrying that my 70 year old brother was showing signs of dementia......

StillMedusa · 19/05/2023 17:06

You don't.
With adulthood the worries just become different, not less (and mostly you have to worry quietly

Currently.. I worry because my DS2 is being bullied at work (he's autistic)
my DD2 is still too thin 6 months after giving up breastfeeding. My DD1 is going through a divorce at 31 (bastard ex had an affair)

I worry because I can't fix these things for them any more, and when they hurt, I hurt.
But... I don't worry so much about their driving now, or whether they will drink so much they are injured or choke on their own vomit.. that was late teens/early 20s. They have matured into other worries!

On the plus side I don't worry about DS1 too often...but he has emigrated to be with his lovely wife, so it's mostly I hear less about bad stuff! I just MISS him...

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/05/2023 17:11

Then you have grandchildren to worry about too.

itsmylife7 · 19/05/2023 17:23

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/05/2023 17:11

Then you have grandchildren to worry about too.

Yes it's sooooo true 😞

Ragwort · 19/05/2023 17:30

Agree with Curlew - you don't. My DM is 90 and I know she worries and me and my siblings ... however much I tell her not to and remind her that I am a 65 year old grown up .

2bazookas · 19/05/2023 17:34

IF you have spent the last decade role-modelling, talking about and encouraging adult social skills, self respect and boundaries, then you just have to trust yourself that you did the best job and they took it on board.

Accept that at some point they will make mistakes.

Tell them "Everyone makes mistakes. Smart people don't make the same mistake over and over. Now, what are you going to do about it? "

Do not rush to the rescue with a big roll of cotton wool and a chequebook rescue. Its far more important that they learn to handle mistakes, disappointment , their own problems. YOU have to let go.

GMsAWinner · 19/05/2023 17:37

My DD is nearly 22 and I worry about her more now than when she was little. Stupid really. She wanted to go to private school for sixth form, we thought she didn't stand a chance, so told her to enquire and make sure she'd get a scholarship and bursary to cover, she did that at 15. Went to uni 330 miles away with a year abroad - had problems with her passport and residency permit while away so contacted embassy and border police herself without even talking to us. Currently doing a six week internment abroad.

mbosnz · 19/05/2023 17:49

I'm diagnosed and medicated with anxiety - I start with that to show that in general, I'm not known for my 'she'll be right attitude'!

For myself I made a shedload of bad decisions in my youth (and then for quite a bit longer) and I survived them. I try to keep the faith that my kids will too. I know my kids are strong, smart, and know we have their backs, that we will drive into hell for them if need be, they have only to call. I believe that every individual has the right to live their life for them, not other people, and to make their own mistakes and have their own experiences.

Bad things happen to people. Sometimes they happen to us, or our people. But we've got to have faith in the people we've helped them become, and allow them the right to live their own lives. And the responsibility. It's only by being able to make mistakes, and learn from them and their consequences, that they can avoid them in the future!

Oblomov23 · 19/05/2023 17:53

Worrying about an 18 year old going for a drink which is completely normal sounds ott, neurotic and extreme anxiety. Speak to your GP.

WhenTheBeeStings · 19/05/2023 18:12

As the majority of pp replies show Oblomov the OP is not alone in worrying about adult DC, no need for the shitty ‘speak to your GP’ comment. Does it make you feel superior in some way to try and put other posters down?

Ayleen · 17/12/2024 23:20

That is hilarious 😁 I can imagine that I would still be worried about my kids if I made it to 90 but doubt I will reach that age as the worrying will kill me.

RestYeMerryGentlewomen · 18/12/2024 00:07

When they are children you can say no, forbid things etc. As adults they have to make their own way hence the stress. Plus their brains are still developing, those daft frontal lobes with all that impulsivity and not thinking through consequences . Whilst age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Most of us do at least mature somewhat. DS and his GF have just split up, though he didn’t exactly cover himself in glory and she had a legitimate gripe she started messaging a male friend and it crossed the line to flirting. A msg flashed up on her phone and DS saw it. I have an incredibly strong opinion on all of it but feel as if unless directly asked a question, they should sort it. They could have sorted the gripe out.

Flip