Tips for shy child who doesn’t want to say hello

[IfYouDontAsk]

DC5 is pretty shy. I am feeling a bit caught between wanting to accept/embrace his personality but also not wanting life to make life harder for him by excusing him from social niceties and having people think he is rude.

One example that is starting to cause issues is that he won’t say hello to people he knows such as adults at wraparound care or if school friends come over and say hi to him. I’ve tried saying “it’s nice to say hi back when someone says hello to you” and saying “sorry, I think DC is feeling a bit shy today” if he still won’t say anything.

But I’m feeling concerned that he won’t say hello to people even when he’s known them for months and even though I’ve explained to him that it’s not nice manners to ignore people. Does anyone have any tips?

Can he smile and wave?

I have tried that but most of the time he won’t or he’ll hide behind me and wave so the other person doesn’t even see. Even that takes a lot of cajoling.

Oh I feel your pain. I had one who took 4 years to be able to say "Morning" back to the lollipop lady who she saw every day!
She's now a student and works in a busy pub with no problems.

I'd just say hello yourself so your modelling the response and encourage you son to wave if he feels happier doing that.
How is he when you're not around?
I was always told by the teacher not to worry as DC1 was shy but didn't lack self-confidence and had no problem making friends. That's the important thing at that age and the rest will come

I also would just say hi yourself and not draw attention to him feeling unsure. You could practice at home while playing make believe/dressing up but would try not to make a thing of it. He will get there especially if he gets to see how you do it.

My DD couldn't speak in public for years. I use couldn't not wouldn't as that's how it was for her. Her sister often would speak for her.

We gave her time. People we saw frequently accepted it. Strangers were usually weren't that bothered either.

When she warmed to a situation she started to speak a few words.

In Yr3, she spoke her first line in a school play while her best friend held her hand.

As time has gone on... its now accepted by ger friends and teachers etc she might not say much, but its worth listening to when she does.

Find ways to boost their confidence overall. Scouts (after Beavers and Cubs) really helped DD. And don't put pressure on them.

I remember explaining to my DS that waving was nice, as it made people feel happy, I knew he would not say "hi"or "hello". That worked quite well, he would just do a quick wave, no smile, but nobody minded that.

My 8yo is like this, but she's autistic. She often either misses the cue entirely or doesn't want to respond. I usually leave her be and speak up for her in the moment, but sometimes prompt her if I can tell she hasn't realised she's expected to respond. If more than just that brief greeting, I find a way to discreetly mention her ASD to the other person (because people do find her rude until it's explained, then they tend to be very understanding). I also talk to her separately away from the situation about the need to follow social norms and niceties.

I was that shy child. Please don’t make him do anything. It physically hurts!
He will get there, just keep modelling the behaviour by saying hello yourself and don’t draw attention to him.

My ds has selective mutism (not saying your dc does) but he will literally freeze and be unable to talk to people. He’s getting better (10 now) but still can’t speak to lots of adults. I would do as a pp suggested and just model the behaviour and not put any pressure on him. He’s not purposefully not saying hello to be rude. Telling him it’s not nice won’t help if he physically can’t bring himself to speak.

Thanks for all these messages. I had thought that it would come in time if I modelled saying hi to people myself but not so far and people are commenting on it. I wouldn’t mind him waving at people but it’s just the outright ignoring them that I find difficult. He struggles to speak to his Aunty and uncle (who he adores) even on a week long holiday together.

I think he’s also shy at school but is thick as thieves with another little boy so he seems to be doing ok there.

My son was like this to the extent he was diagnosed with selective mutism. We saw several professionals about this and they all said the same: it's anxiety and you must never pressurise them to talk. This will only compound the problem. In the end everyone (adults and children at school, friends of the family, neighbours etc) came to understand that my son probably wouldn't say anything to them and not to take it personally. There was no pressure on him. He's now 10 and in the last couple of years has improved. He's still very shy and won't have long chats with teachers etc but he does talk to them.

@IfYouDontAsk my child was like this.
For years we saw people, even people she knew, she wouldn't talk to them ie to say hi.
I don't know why. I never could get her to.
I did just used to say 'say hi' as in getting across it's what we do in this situation.
She's 9 now. There are still times she won't say anything when we see people but she is much better and not like she used to be with this

With my kid, I'd say,
"You saying hello?"
If she didn't, that'd be the end of it.

I remember as a kid being forced to say hello to people my mum knew.. and kissing old people I didn't know but that's by the by.. I don't want my kid having memories like that.

I agree it sounds like low profile selective mutism. Early intervention is key so I would do some research to consider the best approach going forward.

I used to beg my mum to cross the road if we saw someone we knew coming towards us in case I had to speak to them when I was much older than 5. I absolutely hated having to speak to people who weren't my immediate family and close friends and often refused. I promise I am completely normal now. I'm still not mad keen on small talk but I am perfectly fine talking to people where appropriate.

My Dd was like this. I was always conscious of saying things like "it sometimes takes her a while to feel comfortable " if someone asked "awww is she shy??" (Which happened all the time).

I'd just quietly ask her, "are you saying hello?" and then she knew she had a choice. If she chose not to/ couldn't that was fine. In time, her confidence grew and although she's not the loudest, she will now say hello back at the age of 6.

No pressure and time is best in my opinion.

I've read you shouldn't refer to them as shy as it becomes a get out / self fulfilling.

Instead you should say 'DS sometimes takes a bit of time to feel relaxed, I'm sure he'll chat in a few minutes'.

Also, waving instead of saying hello is ok.

I read about the shy thing too and decided to adopt it - because it made sense to me.
But I don't think it made much of a difference.
Other people will always refer to them as shy in front of them when they present that way.
Mine still thought of herself as shy.
But that's my experience.

This was me as a child! Please don't pressure her it's awful. People now genuinely don't believe me when I say I was a shy child 😆