I was chatting to a friend the other day, a mutual friend has just lost her child; it's horrendous and seeing her pain is just unbearable.
We got onto the Idea of death and i said, I fear myself dying more than I fear loosing one of my children, she looked absolutely horrified at me and didn't respond. I went on to explain that my eldest wouldn't cope with loosing me; he's ASD with complex needs and I'm his rock. No one; not his Dad nor my very heavily involved family know him in side out the way I do: they are great with him; his dad is brilliant but he still needs to be guided on his needs as he hasn't completely submersed himself in his care like I have; mostly because I'm with him the most and attend all the appointments. My biggest fear is not losing him; but him losing me.
She said she can't quite believe what she was hearing. Is it really that bad to think this way? Obviously I don't want myself or my children to die but for me; I never ever want my children to feel that pain.