Why am I so hard to love?

[Whatstepnext2]

For those that don't have relationships with their mother and have self confidence/ self loathing issues.

How can you learn to love yourself when the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally doesn't? When that one person has made you feel you are so hard to love - how can you love yourself?

I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and after 7 months of my mother not speaking to me and disowning me I am trying to learn to love myself. I have been finding this really hard and it wasn't until yesterday that I had the realisation - how can I learn to love myself when my own mother doesn't.

I originally thought she was incapable of showing affection but after reading a text conversation between her and my daughter tonight which is full of "I love you, you are my world, you mean everything to me" - I guess its just me.

How old is your daughter? What's your relationship like with her, does she know you read the text?

My daughter is 9 nearly 10 and she knows as she showed me because it had some info on there that she wanted me to see about an event that my mum has organised

What was your relationship with her like growing up?

I have an elder daughter, who in her teenage years resented me, made my life hell and almost broke up her parents relationship. It took a long time to apologise for her actions, and we finally cleared the air and have started to work on rebuilding our relationship. I always loved her, but I could barely be in the same room as her sometimes and when she went off on one, I found best approach was distance and removed myself from the situation.

if you have this sort of baggage with your mother, I’m afraid, unconditional love is still there, but so is all the hurt you might have caused.

So again, what was your relationship like growing up? Were you a terror lol.

I don't think it's you. Maybe she has a better relationship with your daughter because she's not depending on her, as in she doesn't have to care for her, support her financially and look after.

My mother is the same, never loving, never "how was your day?". Very cold and dry with sister and me. However, now with a grandaughter 15 years old, she's the opposite. Texting each other, complimenting her and showing her love all the time.

It's hard to see it as the "unloved one", but I had to come to peace with it. I wish I had a loving mother like most people do, but better than nothing. Up to this day that I'm fully independent she still doesn't really care, only a text on birthdays or Christmas or even when she knows I've been to the hospital.

She controlled me quite alot when I was younger. Told me who I could date and who I couldn't, she has bad OCD so I walked on eggshells alot at home in fear of making a mess. Due to my ADHD I was intelligent but couldn't apply myself at school and was often compared to my high achieving autistic brother who aced his exams. She, like most parents of that generation, used to smack and hit me which went on into my teenage years. I'm sure I was a moody teenager.

I have just grown up with no self love or self worth. If I put on weight she tells me I'm too fat, if I lose the weight she tells me I look ill. She makes references to when I was younger that I was a difficult child but I can't remember anything thay really stands out apart from being messing and getting on her nerves. I didn't do drugs, or stay out till early hours. I left home when I was 19 to move in with my the fiance. That relationship ended after a year and resulted in me having to declare myself bankrupt as he left me in alot of debt. I didn't move back home, I went to rent independently but my mum warrants this as a failure on my part.

I don't know. I've always thought my mum was hard faced and incapable of showing love and affection. To read that message last night made me realise she can do it and to be honest it's really hurt