I'm worried my daughter will end up in the wrong friendship group.

[GlitterCoffee]

My dd is due to start secondary school this year. She had some lovely friends in primary but for various reasons they have all gradually moved to other schools.

Some have tried to stay in touch but nothing has lasted. I blame myself for that. When her best friend moved I was having a complicated pregnancy and friendships wasn't my priority. I tried my best but it was hard. Ds was born and before I knew it the contact had stopped. It was really bad timing.

Dd has since made a few more friends who she goes out to play with. They go to the local park and now it's better weather I suspect they will want to go out a lot more. I went there with my youngest and there were many older children there. I was shocked at their behavior.

The other children were swearing with every sentence. Being very violent and trying to damage the equipment. Vaping. I felt uncomfortable there and asked dd if she wanted to go home with me and ds. She said ok and I could see she was getting upset.

On the way back she said that it's often like that at the park and her and her friends keep out of it. The problem is I noticed her friends laughing about some of it and one of them was talking with the other children. One of dds friends parents are related to one of the other children's parents too.

To add, the other children were all in the uniform for the secondary school dd is going to.

I feel like I've let my dd down. It seems like she is surrounded by negative influences and I'm worried she will start to think it's normal behavior.

What can I do?
Should I stop her going to the park? It seems mean now that summer is coming, but I really don't want her surrounded by that type of behavior.

What alternatives to hanging around the park are you able/willing to provide?

Find her some hobbies (e.g. sport, drama, music, self defence) fast!

Talk through scenarios and consequences e.g. if she's there whilst some get caught vandalising etc

Also set up a code with her so she can text you "I'm at the park until... {emoji/code of choice}" which means she's uncomfortable but doesn't know how to leave. Then you can call her with an emergency (like she needs to watch youngest) and she has to come home asap.

She may find new friends in secondary and you can try to encourage her to be at each other's houses, especially when the colder and dark days set in.

Hobbies where she mixes with others, Scouting, martial arts, all these teach good values as well.

Don't talk down on friends but teach her that she doesn't have to engage or copy bad behaviour and people aren't friends if they don't respect her choices.

DD is nearly 16, Summer born, so we were worried about upcoming 16th birthday parties and alcohol. But she is so disgusted by some of the girls in her year group who openly talk about being drunk and wasted that she turned away from several. When a friend turned 16, they had a party with alcohol but also heavily supervised by parents we know and for others they met for a pizza or went to London for a day.

We offered her a party but she declined as she didn't want her day spoilt by others.

Parks are often not great places for kids to hang out these days. Encourage activities instead and have play dates, movie nights, cake making when you have the time.

In the winter dd and her friends did go round each others houses but now they want to be outside enjoying the weather. Even if dd does go to a friends house she will call me and say can they go to the park.

What clubs/ activities do your 11 year olds do?

We are quite limited in our area and I cannot travel far.

I don't allow my ds to go to the park as that's where they smoke, vape, drink and get up to mischief. I don't want him to socialise with older boys anyway. He goes to the community gym which is almost next door, plays a sport 3 times a week and otherwise socialises online with his friends. They are all into gaming and the combination of exercise and socialising online works for my ds. Parks are not a good idea due to anti-social behaviour.

Mine does a team ball sport twice a week. I've just started letting her get the bus there alone in preparation for secondary. It's a direct route and then a 5 min walk.

Then she does an individual sport (martial arts) twice a week. I drive her and wait for her as it's in the next town.

She learns an instrument so one day a week lessons, once a month band and practice time. She can walk to this.

Agree with the above - hobbies, safe words etc

I also think you need to have a talk about peer pressure, confidence and resilience. So how she can be friends with people who may do things she doesn't want to and having the strength to say no. Talk about walking away from difficult situations and how to say that's not for me.

Your DD is going to come across this at school and out and about. She needs to recognise what she should or should not be doing.

As she is going to secondary school will you be giving her / letting her have a mobile. Maybe she could contact her old primary friends and arrange a monthly catch up. Though I bet once she gets to secondary she will find friends who are similar to her in after school clubs etc.

If you aren’t able/willing to find hobbies and groups then what other options does she have…

This is a huge issue where I live bored children hanging around in the park, behaving terribly and getting into petty trouble with the police at incredibly young ages (and this is a nice town!)

If you're not willing to put the work in, your only other option is to keep her in.

Or you can trust your past parenting to allow her to gain her street smarts. She's going to be exposed to this stuff at school anyway.

Hobbies and having honest conversations are the way forwards in my p.o.v.
DD is 11 and does horse riding/pony club at the weekend and is just about to start going paddleboarding. Holidays are always centered around Pony Club and us going away for even 1 or 2 nights. During term time she doesn't get home until 6pm so with homework there isn't any time to meet friends but the very long holidays are carefully curated to ensure she doesn't have too many days spare.
Apart from that I just have to hope that our previous parenting + common sense will enable her to weed out unsuitable friendships in the long run. Keep channels of communication open even though its really hard once they get to secondary age but make time eg go for walks together/take her out shopping or for a meal just the 2 of you in the hope she will keep talking.

Hobbies - sport, drama, music, art, girl guides or scouts, etc etc.

Dd same age does drama, swimming and Guides. Tried an art class but it wasn’t for her, my other dd loves that. Older dd - art, St John’s ambulance.

Op neither of mine hung around parks it's not essential.

I guess this is the class devide for dc.

There is absolutely nothing for young teens to do that's fun and dirt cheap or free where we are so some lucky dc do have clubs and activities and some don't so they head to the park. It's awful really

Nothing good comes from hanging around recreation places at that age. Kids need to be kept busy so I agree with the PPs. Put her into as many after school clubs as your budget allows.

And, i suppose, as many as a mother with a small baby could be able to ferry her around to and afford. There goes the pony club🙄

IME when they go to secondary, being a bigger school they split the groups of pupils from the feeder primaries so the kids are in different tutor groups with not too many together from any one school. SO they effectively end up making new friends anyway.

Totally agree with all this. It's much better to ensure she's got the strength to say no to things than to try to avoid her being exposed to them altogether, which is a bit of a hopeless enterprise.

I was in a group that were the ones swearing, getting drunk and high in the park, etc. But there were a few kids who hung out with us but didn't do any of that. TBH I respected them for it/sort of envied them. The fact that she's already told you that she isn't keen on the behaviour is great because you now have an open dialogue.

Dd knows what they were doing was wrong. That's why she felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave.

I've been researching local groups and the only ones accessible/ affordable for me is girl guides or a local kids book club.

I've discussed the options with dd and she likes the idea of girl guides.

Your daughter sounds like a good kid, I assume not repeating language or behaviours at home, being open with you that she feels uncomfortable etc.

My goddaughter is 9 and goes to the park alone, I'm not too keen on it but not my choice, my sons the same age and not mature enough. She has a phone and a curfew (7pm) and the park is one road crossing then two minutes max walk from her house. I haven't a clue what goes on there, but we drive our kids to a different, smaller park ten minutes away a few times a week. We tried the local one and there were teenagers with bad language, smashed bottles, vaping etc. I think we all felt uncomfortable.

Same as when I moved to the town except for the vaping, and I didn't go back until I was about 15. I did after school hockey and music, (no fee for the hockey and the music I chose to do as revision as I was behind, so no fee either as wasn't tuition) and just went to friends houses, walking in fields, drawing, watching boxsets, talking rubbish on msn if anyone remembers that lol. We're actually very rural though.

Girl guides is good. I think there may be pen pal groups for kids aswell (obviously you need to make sure it's a legit site etc).
does she get very bored at home, or is she happy to do her own thing generally? It's such a hard balance, you need/ want her to socialise, and the obvious choice is the park. Any clubs associated with school?

Could you afford to go out for a dessert or something on a certain night a week as a routine? Or chores for pocket money? My friend used to feed the chickens, collect the eggs and apples, cut her dad's hair (he must have been mad, we were 12 😂) and hang the washing out to earn £10 a week which was massive to us. I think you're doing well, she's finding her feet but still needs you