Being in a new relationship after a bad one...i'm too scared

[ScarlettRedder]

I've had a crap childhood and hence poor boundaries, low self esteem, used to people treating me like shit and not realising that they are, had a long term relationship which has sort of broken me. I have vowed never to have another relationship again as it has honestly has been so hard. Anyway I am rid ex and now focussing on bringing up my children alone and looking after myself. I can't afford therapy which i would love but have read through lots of books and have been working on healing past trauma, really understanding myself, improving boundaries etc on my own. It's been a long journey (4 years) and I've made improvements and feel I've come a long way but still have a lot to go through but in a much better place.

anyway, a few years ago I met a man at an event we attended and we kept in touch and became very good friends. He is very kind, funny and all sorts of nice stuff. We get along extremely well and i consider him to be a close friend. He has recently said that he'd like us to be more than friends and date and see where things go, He is honestly a really decent guy.

I have a few concerns but my main concern is that I am absolutely terrified. I just have a feeling of dread / fear of being in a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship ever as don't want to get hurt but at the same time I bloody adore him and we are so good together and want to be with him. There's also a feeling of I feel that I don't deserve him as he is too good for me. He's everything I am not and i do sometimes wonder why he's even friends with me.

As you can see, my head is messed up and I'd just love to be enjoy this. Instead it's turning into a saga in my head and I'm honestly too scared. I haven't told him any of this and not sure if I should for fear im a total weirdo.

[ScarlettRedder]

Bump!

[CountingMareep]

Honestly I would enjoy this new relationship but take it slowly - very slowly. If he’s as kind and considerate as you say, he’ll understand. Your previous relationship will have taught you a lot about what to look out for and avoid. Best of luck.

[tinselvestsparklepants]

Don't let you past hold you back from future happiness. But go at your own pace. And as much as you feel comfortable, talk to him about this! Tell him what worries you. If he is a decent person he'll respect this and won't push you, and will be mindful of your concerns. He's not a mind reader though, so tell him what you want and don't want as you go along. Although MN can be full of horror stories there are also some lovely blokes out there and if he is one and truly cares about you then you've every chance of being happy.

[ScarlettRedder]

@CountingMareep

Honestly I would enjoy this new relationship but take it slowly - very slowly. If he’s as kind and considerate as you say, he’ll understand. Your previous relationship will have taught you a lot about what to look out for and avoid. Best of luck.

I totally agree with taking things slowly but in the past I have always gone along with what my partner wanted as I never took the lead. I just find it so uncomfortable asserting my needs and putting myself first. I'm not just scared of him hurting me. It's more I'm scared of me not asserting myself and going back to my old ways.