ASD DS secondary school dilemma!

[Rainwind65]

Hello,

This is my first post so please bear with me if I am posting in the wrong place or come across a bit green! :)

My DS9 who is neurodivergent (ASD) who always has struggled socially is now reaching an age to consider the secondary school options... He is academic, no learning difficulties, in fact really excel in Math and English. No behavioral problems at school, just social and friendship issues mainly.

The school suggested 11+ but I am doubtful he will be happy in high stress environment. He in fact needs a lot of decompression after school.

So my question is what did you do if you have an ASD DC, highly functional and quite academic with no behavioural issues? Is grammar school an even good idea? Progressive secondary will be a good one? We are fortunate to be able to pay for private education for him.

TIA

It’s not easier to be in a less academic environment if that’s what you’re good at.

Grammar would be a good choice as all the other pupils will be quite focussed, you don’t get picked on for being geeky or clever there. And if he’s very good at maths/science he will enjoy the challenge of fellow bright classmates.

I'd go for the grammar too for the reasons pp have said

The noise levels at most mainstream comps now would be horrible for ASD child and social dynamics can be more complex too. I also agree grammar would be a good choice. I have 2 dc’s one each in comp and grammar.

There will be lots of other ASD kids at the grammar. One of the ones in our neighbouring county actually has an ASD resource base.

I tried to get DD into a selective school (we don't have grammars here) she got in but didn't get a scholarship so couldn't go.

Instead she's gone to our local comp, academically she doesn't really get challenged in all her lessons though her maths teacher is fantastic, class sizes are large and some mixed ability and finds the busy school environment overwhelming. She takes ages to decompress after school but being challenged academically would have been better, she'd be in the school environment and decompressing after school anyway.

My DS sounds similar to yours. At the time of diagnosis (also age 9) we lived in a grammar school area which was full of tutored kids and aspirational (yes, sorry but stereotypically, “sharp elbowed”) parents whose children were often very confident too). We were advised that a full on grammar environment would not be the best thing for him- he likes rules but too many rules became overwhelming, and other people’s non-adherence to rules was something he found incredibly hard to cope with.

He was vulnerable to bullies (which you get at every school of course) particularly the rather confident type of peers he found often himself mixing with in that area who would run rings round him verbally as he took everything so literally.

He would also overthink things and has perfectionist tendencies and performance anxiety. I had the option to go private and chose a small-ish school which was much more laidback. Selective but not to a high degree. Lots of opportunities to shine but quietly if you liked, and celebrated either for doing your thing in the background or in the spotlight. He has thrived and has a lovely bunch of friends. Even so years 7-9 were tough at times, particularly navigating social issues. The school has great pastoral care and were very on it with any poor behaviour or bullying.

as you say you can afford private I’d look at all your options.

Visit all the of schools that are on your maybe list - don’t wait for open evenings contact them to arrange to look around - speak to the senco, speak to other parents if you know any. See which setting feels like the best fit for your child.

He sounds similar to my ASD 15yo and we didn't go the grammar school route or any of the hot housey more pressured secondaries. He would have got too stressed by the exams and the atmosphere. We went for quite an arty laidback school, even though he's much more maths/science than arty, and it's worked out really well because they're very caring and there's minimal stress, but they're still good at teaching and he's doing really well across the board there. Schools can still be good at academics without being grammars and there will be other bright kids in all schools, it's not like there's not a range, but it's good for his confidence that he stands out a bit more for being above average academically. So really it's about how good the alternative schools are. Have a look around at all the options and go with what feels right to you to suit him.

We have the same problem so completely understand your dilemma

No advice, just empathy - every day we change our minds about what could be best. We’re lucky to live in a grammar area so have more options but it’s quite overwhelming trying to figure out where would suit him best. My son’s ASD would leave to pros and cons with both options. His psychologist said to visit all the open days and speak to the SEN departments about him and how they would provide support

Good luck

No crystal ball so no idea what will work out best, my autistic DD went to an all girls grammar and it was a disaster, however mixed or boys grammar may be a kinder environment.
My DD wasnt diagnosed til 14 so you have the advantage of knowing they are autistic and getting support in place. Do they have an EHCP?
Very few specialist schools offer a good academic curriculum.
My honest opinion is that is you can afford it, private would be really worth considering especially if it has small class sizes, lots of inside and outside space so generally a nicer and calmer environment with fewer people in it.
The only risk is i dont think private schools support ehcps so if it doesnt work out then it might be a struggle / delay to get LA to support education back into state system .
Also not all private schools will accept SEN pupils. Visit the schools with your DS and make a decision based on what you find. Transistion and really support is important. Many grammar schools have a tiny SEN budget so cant offer much in the way of SEN support. Non grammar will have a bigger budget so potentially more support available. Every school is different . If there are autistic support groups or charities in your area it would be worth asking them for advice or using them to reach out to other parents who will know the schools in your area.

Be careful of high achieving schools.

My Dd 16 went to one. Pushed and pushed. Got 9 fantastic GCSE’s, now completely burnt out at 6th form due to pressure of GCSE. Now a school refuser.

I'm in Scotland so no grammars, although our local independent school is broadly similar to a grammar in style if not cost.
I chose an out of catchment secondary mainly because it had a nice SEN head and a Warhammer club, I also spotted some rather geeky boys in the grounds at bell time! Our local comp was a bit more rough and ready and focussed on sport and music for DS2.
One thing the school offered was a bit of flexibility with the curriculum, DS2 was offered the chance to study one less exam to have free periods for a break from the classroom. He didnt actually take that up but he did like to use the breakout area reserved for vulnerable pupils to use at break or lunch.
Bullying was inevitable and he didn't avoid it ( or tell me about it ) but he survived with good results and a small group of friends.
The Grammar may work if they are flexible about workload.

My ds is heading off to secondary in September. He has ASD, and is academic. As an example, his prep suggested he could sit entrance for Tonbridge and Sevenoaks. I didn’t enter him for either (and his prep knew I wouldn’t, in reality, but wanted to highlight his ability levels).

my ds would not survive in a high stress school. He can get the marks, but he can’t cope with pressure. He is more likely to get those marks if he is relaxed. He is off to a low key secondary, which excels at getting the best out of each individual, in a relaxed way.

FWIW, his older sister (also ASD, slightly less academic, but still above average) has thrived in a similar environment (girls school, so can’t send ds there!). She too would not have coped with pressure, and while she initially was disappointed to not be heading off to some more rigorous schools with her friends from prep, she very quickly (as in, within the first half term of year 7) realised she was in the right place for her, and regards some of the tales from her friends regarding their schools with horror.

OP, you know your ds. You know how he reacts to things which happen at school now (I don’t mean in an ASD meltdown kind of way, just how he eg reacts when teachers give whole class detentions, or how he pressurises himself (or not) when there are deadlines/auditions/a presentation/whatever). Use that knowledge to get a feel of how he may settle at different types of secondary school.

Thanks so much for taking your time to reply everyone, really appreciate it. Yes my DS is bright but puts a lot of pressure on himself already. He doesn't really have a great self confidence even though he is really good at many things both academically and artistically.

He also has just started to show some symptoms of OCD (undiagnosed) which breaks my heart. I worry that he will struggle further in a secondary school setting, and really want to make a right choice for him...

I will do my almighty research and visit. Thanks again for taking your time to reply to me.

My DS sounds v.similar, currently in Y8 at Grammar. Compared with primary is much happier; the uniform, structure, expectations are all very clear and defined which have helped hugely. Choosing the school was heavily influenced by how the schools responded to questions about SEN as well as discussions with the SENCO. One stood out and one clearly didn’t want ‘those types’ absolutely dreadful. Local comps were a mixed bag. My advice is ask the questions and see the response.

I am autistic and would have loved to take the 11+. If your son is academically minded then I think it's a good idea to give him the option :) I was miserable in high school.

Prob all boys grammar. Sounds like he'd hate the comp environment. Do look for less pressured grammars, they do exist. You can tell quite quickly when you visit I think.

I’ve worked in several secondaries and I work in a grammar at the moment. My feeling is that it could be better than a comp. The reason being that they are actually less draconian on things like uniform and behavior because they can be. They have a motivated student body and motivated parents, there’s simply not the same amount of poor behavior, so to me it feels a bit more flexible for the individual. The one I work at also has a super senco and is very keen on inclusivity, so I guess that could vary depending on the ethos of the school. However, there is undoubtedly a lot of pressure to perform academically.

No grammars round here, but DS was lucky to get into a school with a good pastoral system, and strong academic reputation. I felt it would suit him better than the most local school. People put it as a preference because they actively want to go rather than because it's convenient.

He's found transition hard; he's very sensory and there's a lot going on, but the staff have been responsive and very can-do. I thought it would have more "geek culture" to improve his odds of finding like-minded people and not sticking out too much. It's also a self-confident school so doesn't get too het up on the minutae of things like uniform.

Had it been an option, grammar would have been a consideration depending on the culture/ support systems of the school.

I had a similar dilemma with my child. I was so worried about her going to the local comp. Academic results are decent but I haven’t heard good reports about behaviour in recent years. Toilets locked apart from during break times and lunch times during lessons… things like that. Went for a tour during the school day and saw lots of low level bad behaviour. Coats on in lessons, pen throwing. Minor things maybe, but if they aren’t dealing with petty stuff, you wonder about standards generally.

But, equally, we weren’t sure if a grammar was the right setting either. High pressure? Suddenly being in an environment where you’re not one of the smartest kids? But also felt like being in an environment where everyone was well behaved and rule following would suit her down to the ground.

Also worried about even going for the 11+ when getting her to revise would be a fight (demand avoidance etc). Wasn’t an easy decision. Lots of sleepless nights.

We did decide to go for it. And she got in. Crossing my fingers that they will be quite familiar with high masking, academic autistic kids (in my experience, schools generally don’t give a shit about autistic kids who exceed academic targets). I guess we’ll find out.

I have ASD Dd at a mixed grammar and it seems right for them. Behaviour is calmer/quieter than our local comp and that makes a difference and there seem to be a lot of other quirky kids too. School is still a difficult environment and they always need to decompress at the end of the day (as well as in a support hub during the day too sometimes).

I have a child with asd who attends a grammar and I’ve found it to be a really good environment for them. I was concerned as although they are bright they don’t particularly enjoy schoolwork but they are loving it there. We didn’t have the option of private school and I was concerned they wouldn’t survive with some of the more boisterous kids at the local comps (they aren’t great) and they probably would have been happy to cruise along doing the bare minimum in a school with less expectations on results. It’s actually been really good for them to be in a competitive atmosphere where they want to do well and as they’re quite daydreamy the constant testing and revision means they can keep up.
DCs school has far below the average sen intake but I imagine most of the sen kids have hfa - it’s a super selective and I think kids with ld/severe dyslexia etc would probably struggle with the entrance exam even with accommodations.
I have no experience with private schools but I would think they would have just as many overconfident kids as the grammars.

Thanks so much for everyone's replies. Yeah I think I will speak to him about 11+. I really don't think he will survive a local comp... He is v emotional and tired now, perhaps nearing the half term, but was a full on week I can say.