Ex partner arrested for CSAM and I'm scared he could get unsupervised access to our toddler (TRIGGER WARNING)

[blueberrychipmuffins]

I feel down and don't know what to do.

Long story short, I found CSAM (A being the worst) on my ex's phone. I confronted him and he admitted to suffering from a porn addiction and that his addiction got so bad he fell into a rabbit hole. He admitted that the pictures were of all categories (A,B,C - A being the worse. I won't describe what each category entails as I don't want to upset anyone, but you can find the descriptions on Google) and featured all ages (infants, toddlers, all the way up to teenagers). We have a toddler together.

I called the police and he admitted it to the officers that came to our house. However, he backtracked and denied everything the next day during his interview with the investigator).

The investigator called me and told me that. They also said that they had almost finished scanning his laptop and hadn't found anything and were really surprised and asked if there was perhaps a misunderstanding. They implied that there was a chance they would not find anything on his phone either because it's harder to recover deleted contents on some apps on mobile devices. something along those lines. I suggested recording him but they just said I could do that but it would make the process lengthy and messy.

That was only an initial scan as it usually takes three rounds or so and takes around one or two years to scan everything in depth, but I am so scared they won't find anything, he'll apply for shared custody, and get unsupervised access to our child.

His mum excused his behaviour saying she "understood I was upset, as it must affect my self confidence that my husband watches porn" - completely dismissing the fact that the issue is that he watched children - that "most men do it", and it was "unfair he got arrested".

So I don't trust her for supervisions AT ALL either. But I have no proof of what she said.

I am really worried. What do I do?

You call NSPCC, children's services and child law advice.

Do you own or rent your home, is it in joint names or just one of you? Are you married or not? I'm asking because these things will affect what you need to do to ensure he has no legal right to live in your home.

I have called NSPCC, they forwarded my case to social services.
I spoke to a few lawyers, one of them told me there would be no way the judge would give him unsupervised contact, and that he might be looking into a custodial sentence given the number of photos and ages of kids.

But they have to find the evidence for that. I've also read about some encrypted apps that automatically delete pictures and make them impossible to retrieve.

We aren't married. We rented our house jointly but I left

OK so you are no longer living with him? That's good.

i think you just need to stick to your guns. If he wants contact he will have to take you to court. You don't have to agree to anything unless it's court ordered. If you were feeling generous you could offer supervised contact at a contact centre - but I don't think I would, personally.

i'm not a solicitor but a solicitor has told you he is very very unlikely to get unsupervised contact, so trust them.

Thank you x

Is it possible he has handed over the wrong laptop - a clean one?

There is lots of good advice on this website rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/ and there is also a telephone help line. I hope they could reassure you.

No he has handed over the right one, police checked with me that he had given them the right devices

Thank you so much for the link
I will give them a call

So the police would've ( shouldve) completed an adult protection as a matter of course, this will be sent to social services. You did the right thing. In the mean time you can ask your lawyers to draft a non mol order so he cannot contact either you or your child.

Thank you! I will look into that

Personally I don't think the police have carried out a thorough investigation or done anything to properly safeguard your child or other children around you. Contact MASH and Children's Social Care. I'd also contact his employer. This is serious. I know many people like to watch porn but child porn?! It's wrong on so many levels! If he's admitted to you that he's got a problem then he needs serious help! I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope you get it sorted and can move on. You certainly don't want to be associated with him anymore. Do you have a laptop that you know he's accessed? Look into the search history. The police are wrong for leaving it like that. When children are involved then safeguarding them is absolute priority!

I know, I don't understand why they haven't put stricter measures in place.

I'm really worried.
I took a screenshot of his search history and offered to show the police, but they were quite reluctant. Saying that if he had looked up anything on his history they will find it, but that so far they haven't and that the initial examination of his laptop was almost done. I don't understand why they discouraged me from recording him either.

All I can think of is that he was manipulative enough for them to believe he was saying the truth. Or maybe they just said that to me so I could expect the worst?

Wtf are the police thinking?! I would go to the police station and demand they look at your screenshot

I hadn't thought of that.
I could also perhaps email the evidence?
I know his case was transferred, so the person who talked to me on the phone doesn't deal with him anymore, that gives me a bit of hope that they will find what there is to be found

The investigator told me on the phone that I could stop him seeing him the baby but that he could apply for contact, and I could apply for sole custody and tell the judge that I'm not comfortable with pornography as it goes against our values, something along those lines. But I don't care about his porn habits, I care that he watched toddlers.
It was as such they believed I called the police on him for merely watching porn.
They also told me that the fact that he told them he wanted to stop porn all together (he's taking the mick) is quite admirable and that not many men do that.

Sorry for all the posts, I don't mean to spam.

They also said that if he was a pedophile, he would get caught, even if 10 years down the line, so not to worry.

10 years down the line when he starts taking pictures, distributing them or actually abusing a child himself? It does worry me

When my ds disclosed stuff to me he saw on the family computer years ago police and ss were involved...
Exh wasn't allowed dc unsupervised so his dps moved in.
All tech removed. Nothing found. Beggars belief.

I hope you stand firm no contact at all unless court ordered op.

I'm so sorry to hear.
I hope his parents didn't give you grief knowing you had reported him and moving in with you. My MIL kept trying to blame me.

Does he have unsupervised contact now?

Could you speak to a ranking officer in the police station? These comments from police officers are frankly awful.

Could you get a therapist onboard? you are about to experience gaslighting on a scale that most people couldn’t imagine based on my own experience. The therapist can act as a buffer against all of the gaslighting and distortion that others will do in this situation.

My brother is a paedophile and rapist and my parents have made every excuse for him even though their own daughters were among his victims so genuinely don’t hold out hope for parents who produce men who are this entitled. They often have deep personality problems too. So I suspect your ex partner’s mother will continue to be useless.

Is there any friend you might be able to speak yo? From my experience though some personality types prioritise saving relationships above all else even taking any action in situations like these (codependent people). I can only advise that you don’t share with these types of friends. Go only to a friend(s) who you know have good strong boundaries and speak to them for support.

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am so sorry about your experience. I hope things are getting better for you right now.

I tried emailing the new officer in charge of his case, they told me they would let me know in a few days, but haven't heard back anything. I will see if there's anyone else I can contact. That's a really good idea, thank you.

The therapist is a good idea too, I heard so many conflicting opinions that I'm just quite confused as to what is right and wrong right now, to some degree.
No one in his family seems to be taking his case seriously, they are all acting as if it the case was closed and not pending investigations. His uncles with young children still give him unsupervised access to their kids. All I can think of is that maybe they believe the kids he watched were older teenagers, but even then. I asked myself if I wasn't overreacting.

My ex partner put down our arguments during pregnancy and the fact that I developed vaginismus in my second and third trimester and couldn't have sex, as the reasons behind his action. He denies having any attraction whatsoever to kids.

I haven't told my friends in real life, but sometimes call the Lucy Faithfull helpline

The therapist is a good idea too, I heard so many conflicting opinions that I'm just quite confused as to what is right and wrong right now, to some degree.
No one in his family seems to be taking his case seriously, they are all acting as if it the case was closed and not pending investigations. His uncles with young children still give him unsupervised access to their kids. All I can think of is that maybe they believe the kids he watched were older teenagers, but even then. I asked myself if I wasn't overreacting.

It is very likely that the family will continue to significantly gaslight you. That has been my experience with my own family. It is dreadfully confusing and often friends will do it too. People genuinely do not understand their part in these kinds of situations and even in their complete ignorance they are still willing to throw in their tuppence worth in too which is so, so confusing. That is why therapy is so important so that someone can ground you in the reality of the situation. You are responsible for your own child and even though I know it is really shocking but if people are making bad choices about their children that is their responsibility.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. I honestly believe it is one of the worst types of thing to experience.

OP call 101 and ask to speak to the MOSOVO team in your area. (Moss uh voh)
If charged, restricting access will be easy, vivified even better. If he's not it will be more complex. With the screen shot, email it to the officer in charge and also to anyone you speak to at MOSOVO explaining what it is and when you took it. You will need to be prepared to make a statement and testify in court of necessary.

If there has ever been anything on his laptop it would very very unusual not to detect a shadow/trace , phones are harder but not impossible.
I work in this field.

You also need to tell them and social care he is having access to children still. Does he have any bail conditions?

*convicted not vivified

Don't record him it's likely to be inadmissible at court and muddies things.
Different if he was recorded on CCTV by accident but you can't set it up.
Has he ever admitted to anything by text? If he has you could pass that on but again don't try and contrive a confession.

Thank you so much for your insightful advice @UndercoverCop
I will give them a call and ask to speak to Mosovo.

From what he told me, the vast majority of what he's watched was on his phone. The only pictures he has on his computer are a couple of voyeur pictures of naked families including their children from over five years ago.

He has a samsung from 2017, which from what I read somewhere, but I might be completely wrong, is not as hard to analyse as an iPhone because iPhones are very good at deleting traces