At what point do you just give up on a friend?

[cicerodays]

I've been friends with someone, C, since our DC were at nursery so well over a decade now.

She had a messy divorce about 9 years ago which she didn't ever really move past. We used to see each other on school run etc so would stay in touch without having to try, if that makes sense?

Since our DC are at secondary we don't cross paths anymore. I noticed a few years ago that it was always me initiating contact, but - that said - whenever I contacted her to suggest meeting up she'd eventually reply and we'd have a good night out or a long walk in the woods etc.

I always valued seeing her and just kind of accepted that this is the way she is - she won't initiate and she'll often not respond to messages if they're just a chatty how are you kind of thing but eventually will get in touch to meet up.

Last autumn I had a general overhaul after realising there are a lot of people in my life who don't initiate contact, so I just stopped. No drama I just stopped making the first moved as assumed if they wanted to see me they would.

So I haven't contacted this friend since autumn and she hasn't contacted me. Yesterday I was out somewhere we went for breakfast last summer and remembered what a nice time we had and just had a moment of "fuck it, this is stupid, just message her"

So I messaged her yesterday, asking how she is and if she has any plans over half term (we both work term time only).

She's been on whatsapp multiple times since then and not opened my message.

This time I'm actually not ok with her sending me a message in 2 weeks time or whatever. It's rude, I don't feel valued.

So do I decide this friendship is over and just, what, ghost her like she does me? It seems so immature all of this dramatic ignoring of the other party until it suits. I can't do it anymore. I feel like a fool for messaging her yesterday.

I gave up on a friend in the same circumstances as you, when I realised it was me doing all the initiating of contact. I think the long waits for answers has got worse since Covid, but not sure why. Several other friends have had the same experience so it's not just us. There seems to have been a general winnowing of friends.

Thanks you @Spanielsarepainless I'm sorry to hear you have had that experience.

I understand that a text message isn't a demand etc, people check when they want to and I certainly don't expect an immediate reply.

But if I hadn't heard from a friend for 6 months and they got in touch I wouldn't leave them unread. I would be pleased to hear from them and want to respond. Ergo I assume she is not pleased to hear from me, therefore I give up. I guess.

Realised I should have probably put this in relationships.

Didn't want to put in AIBU as actually I am sure she has her reasons it's just that I think it's ok for me to feel hurt by the behaviour.

I'm the same - but when a "friend" texted me and I texted back almost immediately, she never replied. Just rattled my cage, got a response and vanished. I have two long-standing friends (50 years and over 30) whom I rarely see and we don't do much contact between but it makes no difference to the way we feel and interact. Both pre-texting!

Yes @Spanielsarepainless to the weird getting in touch to ask how I am then ghosting me when I reply thing. I've had that too from others. One messaged me in January 2022 asking if I was free to go for dinner soon, I replied yes!!! 17 months later still waiting on a response...