Autistic and hate it

[cedere]

I realise in the new age of everyone self diagnosing Autistic and being so proud of their superpower, this may not go down well but I'm Autistic and I hate it.
I'm under no illusion that I've been in autistic burnout for years, have tried everything to get out of it but can't. Now live the life of a hermit because everything is too much.

My extreme fear of confrontation and inability to articulate (or even understand) my feelings has cost me friendships. People constantly misjudge me. I've been told I'm rude despite never meaning to be, patronising despite never meaning to be. Im quiet which people misjudge for stuck up and bitchy. The list goes on. I've been taken advantage of by violent men and abusive friends. I could go on all day. Basically, I've nothing left.

Looking back, I was and am so naive. A complete fool. I trusted people blindly and when in difficult or manipulative situations, I go along with anything that is said. As if I'm as malleable as plasticine. I've gone against my own moral code to prevent confrontation, I've broken myself to people please to make people like me. It's pathetic.

Im intelligent but also completely stupid. Years and years of messing up socially has made me despise myself to the point of suicidal ideation. I can't live another 50 years like this. I no longer want to socialise, people are not safe, I can't tell if someone is well intentioned or not until it's far too late. I've isolated myself as much as I can.
I've been told by therapists this is the way my brains wired, there's not very much I can do about it. It's hopeless. Everything about my life is restricted, I can't abide change, I struggle even to stay away from home for a night. The things I used to manage I can no longer do.

They say autistic people have no empathy but that's a misconception. Some of us have the opposite problem, feel too much empathy. I've had to stop watching the news, watching any television shows featuring violence etc. I can't bear to hear about sick animals or see homeless people out and about. It physically hurts me. A trauma response according to my therapist. Every part of me is too sensitive. I can't stand noise or certain lights, I struggle with smells and crowds. I never know what to say to people so don't speak. Everything is overstimulating.

It's making me a useless mother, they'd be better off without me. Weekends are no fun when your mum can't cope with life. What am I supposed to do?

People have thought I'm weird my whole life. I absolutely hate who I am.

I understand… it can be really difficult when the main gist of online discussion coming from other adults describing themselves as autistic seems to be from people who accept and/or celebrate it, use words like "ausome", say they wouldn't want to change themselves or take a cure (or accept "cure" as a relevant concept when it comes to autistic differences), and things like that.

Often, though, if you dig beneath the surface a bit, many of them have a lot of the same difficulties, but frame them to themselves in a different way, protecting themselves from some of the feelings of failure and hopelessness. If you have depression and maybe a history of interpersonal trauma, this kind of positive framing is really hard to do, and really hard to convince yourself to actually believe.

How long have you been working with this therapist, and do you think they're helping you?

Thank you for understanding. I celebrated it too during the 'it all makes sense' phase. It was over the course of years passing and realising what it has cost me that things changed. I've seen two counsellors within the past 7 years, I do wonder how they can possibly help me if they're not autistic themselves. I found some aspects helpful, I'm in no rush to go back.

I see positives in some areas but certainly not socially. I feel socially disabled, even with passing strangers, the inner turmoil of not knowing if I should smile at them or say hello or what. People have misunderstood me all my life. It's as if what's going on inside never translates to outside. It makes life such hard work.

I hope you can find a way to live with your autism better, you are right to highlight the nonsense of the autism superpower narrative. I have a nephew for whose autism is severely disabling and painful. He knows he can’t engage normally with others and at 23 he’s unlikely to ever live independently. He’s at a college just now but it’s highly unlikely he will be able to work. His future is very uncertain.It is far from a super power. It’s a source of great pain and no amount of understanding and mild modifications will be enough to give him the life he wants. It’s not like this for every autistic person, and everyone’s brain is different. But this ‘ausome’ thing is dismissive of the real difficulties people with autism face.

Keep going with your therapist.
You are more than likely a better mum than you judge yourself to be. Your children love you.
I have heard that some people who are autistic can benefit from medication for people with Adhd - it quietens the mind and sensory responses. I don’t know if this is possible in the Uk, but something to ask about. I think it’s the stimulant medication. My sons doctor told me about this for students who are at grammar school - I am not in the Uk though.

I am currently sitting in my living room with all the curtains closed listening to soothing waves sounds...because I was so overwhelmed by noises and people this week then I am having to basically spend the weekend on my own in a dark room to try to recover.

I am looking forward (not) to having to disclose my ''difference'' on Monday at work because again I have been struggling lately and I have decide it has come to a point that I need to make them aware of it. I expect that won't do me any favour.

I think for me it is the fact that almost every in our world is set up for a specific type of people, people who are somehow extrovert and can do relationships in the usual, expected way.

So basically we are trying to fit in an environment that is not designed for us.

I can manage basic daily life stuff but I am really struggling with work and interaction with people.

I think though it is important to tell ourselves this is just the way we are and these are our limitations.

At least I have to that realisation, I am not ''wrong'', I am just different.

Weirdly, I had some of my most helpful therapy from a therapist who was very much not autistic, but who specialised in working with autistic people. I guess she was able to work something like a translator, maybe.

I never fully experienced that diagnosis relief/it all makes sense phase… there was a bit of that, but there was also a bit of a "wow, I'm so bad that even professionals see it" thing going on.

Mostly, for me, it feels like just because my difficulties form a cluster of difficulties that also occur in a similar pattern in other people, to the extent that there's a name for this cluster, that doesn't mean I feel that having a name for the cluster explains it, exculpates me, or makes it any better that I have to live with it.

So diagnosis isn't what helps me accept myself — it's more that I try to accept that everyone gets dealt a set of cards, with more or fewer trumps and more or fewer aces, and more or fewer crappy ones as well, and there's really not a lot of point comparing my cards with other people's, wishing I had different ones, or blaming myself for getting some crappy ones.

I hate it too. I can’t work, I can barely function without support

I just wanted to say your post really touched me. It's hard when we feel out of sync with the world whatever the reason for it, especially when it feels inescapable. But this is your world too and you are having lots of painful reflection at the minute but that reflection is all part of helping you understand who you are, what you need and how to make a corner of this world for you and yours. And you deserve it and you belong here and the space you're making is and will be beautiful 💙

I’ve had good and bad times and even in my sixties don’t always plan properly!
I can offer suggestions for going out. We used to do breakfast picnics. We were lucky enough to live near a really good ( but horrifically popular) beach. So, we would get there for six in the morning and be home by eleven, children got out and had some fun and it wasn’t too overwhelming.
You’re not a bad mother because you parent differently. You need to find what suits you but that can be hard.
We also found early evening (other people’s tea time was good for going to the park. Treasure trails off the beaten track.
Good Luck!

It's as if what's going on inside doesn't translate to the outside.

I can relate to that so much! People often think I'm being rude, or I'm annoyed or stand offish or whatever, when inside I don't feel like that atall. I feel so self conscious communicating with people sometimes because I just feel so awkward.

And I totally agree it is such a misconception that we don't feel empathy. We feel it more, I like you struggle with the news, I can't watch a sad film alone because I can't calm myself down. I might not be good at recognises facial expressions or make my face look how it should, but I can feel if the atmosphere is happy or sad etc.

One final thing, I find the worse my anxiety/stress is the worse I get over stimulated. So if I'm very anxious or stressed everything is louder and brighter. I use DBT skills to help with distress tolerance and emotional regulation. Enough sleep, healthy food and a routine help.

Good luck, it is so tough.