Objectively, am I emotionally immature?

[rollingbolognese]

Naturally I understand that this is a hard one to gauge over one post, have NC for anonymity here.

I am a professional 20 something and have always been really close to my parents, particularly my mum. We are very alike and I had a great upbringing with everything I needed and thousands of happy memories. As a person I have always been anxious since being tiny and my anxiety flares up at difficult stages of life, particularly says whenever there’s a lot of change. I have been referred and am awaiting an ASD diagnosis. The signs were there as a child but as I seemed able academically and socially (now we know it was masking) but my parents were hesitant to start the ball rolling then in case it in some way held me back. Society was definitely less progressive and understanding back then as it is now!

I have recently developed an anxious preoccupation on my parents, specifically their wellbeing/health. I fear them developing any chronic health issues, dementia or anything else degenerative, or worse, losing them altogether. I think this is because I now see them as people in their own right, rather than just their role as my parents. DH and I also don’t have any other family other than a sibling who is a bit nuts so we are NC and most of his family who live very far away. My parents are only in their late 50s, active and working, but I can’t begin to imagine how life will be when I can’t just call upon them or turn up at their house as I do now. They have helped me make sense of the world and continue to provide so much moral support, I know I wouldn’t have been empowered to complete further education, learn to drive, move out and begin my career as I have done without them cheering me on. This is the job of any parent but I feel really grateful.

Unfortunately I lost an unplanned pregnancy a few months ago which is still quite raw. My mum was there through this and she was amazing. DH and I both long to be parents and want to try again when we have sorted some practical things out relating to our house. We have oodles of love, time and energy to give but the more I mull it over I wonder if it’s naïve of me to think I’m capable of raising another human being whilst still needing my own mum so much! My mum believes I am worrying to excess and has said you never stop wanting your mum, no matter who you are or how old you are.

I try not to share the full ins and outs of my every worry with my parents as I guess they may feel like they hadn’t done their job in raising me to be resilient and independent. I suppose what I’m asking is, reading this objectively, do I sound emotionally immature or are the feelings just given the circumstances?

Bump

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you sound quite self aware, if you do have a child which hopefully you will it might give you more of an outlet for all the love you have for your parents and you can share that love with your child! Also it may help you focus on yourself less as you'll be more worried about your child ( which is a whole other thread!)

Sorry I struggle to articulate my words sometimes, what I mean is that sometimes that having a child makes you stronger and it changes your perspective on things. It certainly did for me!

I tldont think there's anything in your relationship with your parents that means you won't be a great Mom.
The hardest thing in pregnancy and early parenthood actually, imo, is feeling isolated and having no support. You sound like you'll have lots and feel confident to ask for it. Good luck

Thank you, I never saw things the way you have done before! Its interesting to look at it that way

I think there is anxiety based around your parents - sort of health anxiety by proxy. If it is dominating your life then I’d try to get some help with this.
Its normal and nice to be very close to your parents, but worrying about them to this extent isn’t normal. Not emotional immaturity - just plain old anxiety.

I don’t think it’s emotional immaturity. I think it’s anxiety.

Personally, I think having kids (pregnancy, newborns, toddlers, sending them to school etc) can all be worrying times. If I were you I would be trying to tackle the anxiety before having a baby.

There’s a good chance the health anxiety you have around your parents, could transfer or extend to the pregnancy and/or child. Especially, since you have had a previous loss of a child.

I am very sorry for your loss. But I think having better control over you anxiety, before having a baby maybe a better option. But it doesn’t sound like you aren’t emotionally mature enough to have one.

It takes quite a lot of emotional maturity to stridulate your anxiety and feelings, as well as you did in your op.

It just sounds like anxiety and some rumination to me - talk to your GP but it will be much quicker to pay for CBT privately, which is probably what you need. You will probably have to manage this throughout your life, but as long as you do it shouldn’t get in your way.

I wouldn’t worry about not being ready to have a baby, you’ll pull it together and you are more able than you think.

With bit of luck your parents have 25 years in decent heath ahead of them. If they don’t exercise and eat properly nag em, it makes a huge difference.

Thank you for this, I was going to mention the anxiety to them but with the way the NHS is it is probably more efficient just sourcing it privately.

With the example you've had from your parents, you'll be a wonderful mother.

Asd anxiety is pants. It may be that meds will help you.

Thank you. I feel really lucky. It truly is! I’ve looked into CBT but seems like some of the autistic community believe CBT isn’t helpful for neurodivergent brains. Maybe meds is the way!

@rollingbolognese

I am sorry for your loss, that probably accounts for some of your raw feelings.

I'm posting as a Mum (older than yours) with adult DCs older than you! One of my DDs is similar to you, in that if ever I say something like "when I pop my clogs blah blah" (I'm just talking in a jokey way about something in our house that I want them to have or whatever) she gets quite upset, puts her fingers in her ears and says 'just don't say that, I can't listen to it' and she worries about us incessantly. But not to the detriment of her life. Just think... how wonderful for your Mum to know she is so loved. That's what I feel anyway...

I am very close to my DDs, we are in constant contact, and my most precious times are spent with them and their partners.

You sound like you have a lot of love to give and you will make a wonderful Mum! And your own Mum, a wonderful grandmother I'm sure. All I can say is... try not to worry and your Mum is right, you never stop wanting your Mum. And as a Mum, you never stop worrying about your kids!

I think you are making your anxiety out to be unusual, I just don't think it is. I am not trying to minimise what you feel at all, please don't think that. I don't think you are emotionally immature at all. 💐

I think @KylieKangaroo has it right - the minute you have a baby, your focus (and unfortunately many of your fears and worries) transfer to that helpless little person who relies on you and looks to you for everything.

If you do want to be a mum, I hope you get to experience that - it changes your perspective on many things (IME anyway).

And it doesn’t mean you love your parents any less - the fact you remain so close and are grateful for all their efforts is testament to what a great job they’ve done raising you. They’ve modelled what good parenting looks like and given you the skills to be a great mum yourself.

The fact you’re NT probably does mean your anxiety around their wellbeing is heightened, but all of us who have had the privilege of a happy childhood with loving parents feel the same to a greater or lesser extent - you worry about their health and happiness, you wonder how you’ll cope when they’re gone. That’s not emotional immaturity, it’s just deep love and connection. And please don’t underestimate the effects of a MC - they are far reaching and could explain your displaced anxiety.

Your parents sound fantastic. They’re still young and will hopefully be around to help, support and enjoy life with you for many years to come.

I would say you sound more anxious than emotionally immature. I think it’s normal to still depend on your parents for some emotional support in your twenties and it’s great that you’re so close. It’s also completely normal to worry (on some level) about the health of your parents when you love them so much.

If you do have your own children this will probably be the catalyst for becoming slightly less emotionally dependent on your parents over time, I wouldn’t over think this as it will probably just happen naturally. You are still young, try not to be so hard on yourself- it’s lovely you have such a close relationship with your parents.

It's worth trying CBT alongside other therapies. See which one helps. Working with a therapist with autism may also be useful.

Perhaps controversially, I would recommend being very discerning about online neurodivergence communities. A vocal minority can set the tone and make declarations on all sorts of interventions in a very black and white way. 'This didn't work for me and I found two obscure academic papers from the 1950s to support me so don't do it!' They are often the people who are most adrift from 'real life' and very dependent on their status as online gurus. Try things out for yourself- you may be pleasantly surprised.

I've heard the same! There are therapists out there who specialise in nd people, so might be worth a look.

Thank you, this is such a kind comment and has made me feel lots better. I’m sorry your daughter also struggles - it’s not nice! I guess some of us are just more predisposed to it than others

Definitely that some of us are more predisposed to it than others. My other DD is just not the same although I'm sure she loves us just as much, she is just different with her emotions.
Good luck

Never thought of this but v good point.

Thank you, I really hope you’re right. That’s so lovely

Thanks so much everyone.