Can the thrill of an affair everything be found in a real relationship?

[Bluemuf]

I've never had an affair, but a very long time ago I was on the verge of an EA. We realised things were getting inappropriate and broke contact, that was that. I missed him for a while, but got on with the rest of my life.

15 years later I'm now single and I find I have quite a few men "circling". People I know as aquaintances through various hobbies. They're all perfectly nice, fairly attractive men with shared interests, good company, they should be good prospects, but none of them make me feel the way that man did back then, or for that matter the way late DH did back when we were young /our relationship was new.

Is that not something that happens later in life or are all these men all wrong?

I think there's a few different explanations for what you're asking.

I think possibly as we age and have more relationship experience under our belts i think we maybe start to prioritise different qualities etc over the initial lust, novelty and uncertainty thats part of what is exciting in a new relationship. I would say I have less excitement in that respect with my dh than I did with my ex but I have a much healthier relationship with my dh and its a much deeper and truer form of love. If I had to do it again I probably would value the respect and humour and security over the initial thrill overall. Similarly I think often the relationships you're describing are often fueled by sexual chemistry and attraction. Which is fine when you don't really care about it going anywhere, but when you're actually looking for a potential partner then you're maybe more aware of other character flaws or differences between you that you don't look past in the same way.

Also with an affair I do think an element of it borders on fantasy. It becomes easier to think about that person because they're responsibility and to an extent reality free, you don't need to pluck their random back hairs before holiday or stick their dirty boxes in the wash etc or deal with them when they're sick or exhausted or having a bad day the same you do with a long term partner.

I think in that respect it depends on what you actually want to get out of a new relationship. Something fun and casual or a new partnership. I think as well as we get older we get more discerning in what we find physically attractive. I know I would have focused a lot on appearance in the past but now humour and how they carry themselves and emotional maturity are what I find really attractive.