DS friends laughing at his hair.

[ManfredMan]

DS came home today asking for his hair to be cut out of the blue. He's always had longish hair ( just past his ears and he's 6 ) I said " that's fine, we will talk about it when Daddy gets home "

After probing him it sounds like his some of his friends within the friendship group are saying his hair is like a girl, one particular boy ( the leader ) and the rest, all bar one are all laughing.

Im aware they are 6 and it's probably upsetting me more than it is him, but do you think I should say something to the parents or teacher?

It sounds all very trivial when written down. We know the parents and are in contact with them and they all seem very approachable.

Thoughts please?

DD came home at similar age upset about teasing about certain things being 'for boys' (not to do with hair) and I had a word with the teacher and asked him to talk to the children about it and he did.

Please can you stop ruining the thread. I'm asking for advice and you are really not helping.

@ManfredMan " I wanted to involve his father regarding the issue at school."

But that's not what your post said.

Thank you, I will. Much appreciated.

You are being really pedantic. Please stop.

This. And a lot of "choice" is looking like his friends. Plenty of time for him to have long hair again if he wants to

@ManfredMan I'm sorry. I did give what I though was sensible advice. But I really don't like people 6 year old cunts and I bet you don't either. But I'll go now.

I've always let my DD decide her own haircuts, until the age of 6 she always chose a pixie cut. Then at school someone told her she couldn't be a girl because she had short hair. So it's the right age for peer pressure to kick in! DD started growing hers and has only ever had it trimmed since (she's 11 now).
Let him choose. Does it really matter if he wants it only to fit in with the others?

I would try to find a calm moment to ask him if his hair actually bothers him or if he thinks his friends don't like it.

I would tell him that if wants to cut his hair because it bothers him, that's ok.
But if his friends are making fun of his hair then that's not ok, that's not what friends do.

And if they do it again then he should tell a teacher.

And please mention it to the teacher so she can stop the behaviour.

Yeah, I think this is fair.

As for not letting him have a day in his hair until he is 11yo - what is that all about? I mean, I always stuck around the barber's chair in case one ordered a mohawk for sport but I think it's reasonable to have a say about wanting to fit in with your peers at any age.

My boy had the most beautiful long hair until he was 4.
He started getting girl comments even to the point of pulling down his pants to prove he had a penis..
We got it cut. I'm not gonna let my boy get teased while I try and fail to change other childrens ingrained mindsets. His school life was instantly happier after that.

I honestly don't mind if he wants his hair cut. I just don't like the fact if he's being pressured into it.

I'm a first time Mum ( with a child in school ) so it's hard tackling issues like this and knowing how to approach them.

I think you should speak to the teacher about the comments, they may have even overheard the conversation and be able to put your mind at rest a bit; if not they can keep an eye/speak to the boys if needed.

As for the haircut, I would say 'lets think about it for a few days and if you still want it cut, we get it done next weekend'.

Ds hated his hair cut until he was 14yo.
When he was small I used to let it get down to his chin, then cut it very short to reduce the number of hair cuts.
He was about 6yo when he decided that the pain of a hair cut was better than having it long. As far as I know there weren't comments (or if there were he wasn't bothered by them), but he'd start saying "I might need a hair cut soon" (hair would be at bottom of ears then normally)and not arguing when I said, "shall we do it now then?"
Once he hit teens he decided that if it tickles his ears it's too long. I thought he might decide to grow it long, as several of his friends have, but he doesn't like it long now.

Yes, mention it to the teacher that this has happened. Quietly, away from your ds. But also ask him "do you want your hair cut?" If he says he does, then just sort it out for him. If you want to talk with his dad about it, do, but don't involve ds in it, or it makes it into a big issue.

Definitely speak to school. My children's school had an assembly to blow open stereotyping of sexes and brilliantly it was done by the female deputy head who had short hair. They also had male teachers with hair in ponytails, there were other female teachers with short hair too. They pointed this out, also the male teachers who all deliberately wore pink ties or shirts because pink is for everyone. They usually wore pink too, it wasn't a one off, but they did it for this assembly, like an army of pink or pastel colours.

This sort of behaviour is learned. It is the same where boys think they are stronger than girls, this isn't true if you compare like with like. This changes at puberty. There is a fantastic video from CBeebies where they ask two children who are clearly very different what is different about them, they ponder and say things like well she likes tomatoes and I don't rather than the obvious skin colour.

Don't speak to the parents. It happened in school, so school will deal with it. Although 6 is little, I would frame some talks about doing things because other people say they should be doing it. Everyone is different and friends should be kind to one another.

I’m not sure it’s bullying for children to point out that boys with long hair, to them, look like girls. My 10yo has refused to have a proper haircut since he was about 6, he often gets mistaken for a girl. He just corrects people or ignores it if it’s a stranger mentioning it in person. Unless the boys are suggesting there’s something inferior about being a girl just teach your son to tell them that some boys have long hair and some girls have short hair. It’s totally understandable if he doesn’t want to do that and wants to get his haircut to fit in but, to me, it just sounds like kids saying what they see.

Our family is topsy turvy in that DD has short hair and DS has long hair (both teens now tho). Both have had a degree of teasing of the 'you look like a boy/girl' variety.

I really understand that hard balance between supporting your child to stand up to teasing and not wanting to make them a target. Altho as your DS is 6 yrs old, there is plenty of time for him to have his hair cut and to grow his hair long later if that's what he wants.

My DS is nearly 17 and has quite frankly beautiful long curly hair past his shoulders, but it has been different lengths over the years.

I feel he wants to fit in with his friends. Which is normal.

It's a shame he won't keep his lovely long hair 😭

My DS10 has long hair, at the moment its down to his hips. He has had long hair most of his life but went through a few phases around 6/7 of having it cut short, but quickly went back to long hair. He cut it around that time because of people making comments and honestly my opinion of it was to let him. It's hard when they're not quite bold enough to stand up for themselves with their peers but it was upsetting him so we cut it. He quickly realised he wanted long hair and he would have to find his feet in standing up to those who might say something. He's a very handsome boy and often gets mistaken for a girl, he usually just smiles and moves on, it doesn't phase him anymore and he's happy to tell his friends to bog off if they say he looks like a girl.

I’d speak to the school. It’s unkind, regressive bullying and later on it can lead to homophobic bullying amongst other things. You’re quite right - he shouldn’t feel compelled to cut his hair. He should only do it if he wants to.

As well as talking to the school, I’d use this as an opportunity to talk about teasing, bullying and peer pressure, as well as regressive ideas about what boys and girls can look like and do. I’ve had to speak to my DC’s school about a related matter when DC came home saying things like only men could be builders, etc. Stereotypes start young.

Stereotyping happens early, usually with parents who think their son playing with a doll and pram teaching this kind of nonsense. Dd1 loved cars and trains as a toddler but went to nursery age 3 and learned from other dc that they were for boys. She asked if she was a boy.

the pressure to fit in is immense and it takes a dc with a strong personality to buck the trend.

it’s only hair and just make it clear he can try it but can also always grow it back. I do get it. Dd3 has very very long hair and I’ll be a bit sad when/if she cuts it but I wouldn’t tell her that. Her sisters have medium length and short hair but her long hair is something she’s always loved so it’s part of her. (She’d still look great and carry off short hair but it would be an adjustment after 11 years).

My son was around 9/10 when he said he wasn’t going to sing anymore because singing is for girls. I have always loved his singing and said “if you don’t want to sing outside the house that’s up to you but please keep singing for me”. (He sang and played piano)

Fortunately for us Bohemian Rhapsody the movie had just gone onto rental. After watching it there was no more talk of singing being for girls and now age 13 he plays and sings with several bands and goes to open mics regularly.

So I would say that role models can be very powerful. I agree with you if your son wants to cut his hair that is fine but he should be able to have the hair that he prefers rather than being pressured by anyone. Asking/suggesting for the school to do some work on gender stereotypes sounds a good idea to me and look for some very cool long haired male role models so he understand that long hair is not just for girls.

The situations a bit different when the only reason he’s choosing to change his hairstyle is because he’s being bullied about it

DON'T put words in MY mouth.