Stress/fatigue/emotional exhaustion

[Stressedandexhausted]

Can anyone advise and relate?

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm sick of crying.

Im a full time carer of my severely disabled DC (school age) and I have other children aswell. I don't work so I'm at home on my own as all my children are at school but I'm still my disabled DC carer if that makes sense.

I'm exhausted. I have an appointment with a mental health nurse next week but I don't even know what they can do.

Currently sat in the car crying with the overwhelmingness of it all. My days are full of meetings, emails, phonecalls, hospital appointments. Plus the usual housework.

I'm just so so tired. And feel like the stress is manifesting itself physically, my brain feels like mush, I can't think straight, I'm shaking and panicking all the time. Constantly have a headache.

I'm trying to eat well and exercise (I go the gym once a week while DH does bedtime). I get 6 hours sleep a night which is better than the 5 it used to be.

I feel like I've lost all my sparkle, I don't think I'm depressed as when I had PND it felt totally different to this. I think it's stress. I feel ok on a Saturday morning as all the pressure is off but then come Sunday night I feel sick and panicking again at the thought of how much I've got to do in the week.

DH is wonderful but is so busy at work he does 9-5 at work then WFH in the evening but will help with bed and bath etc and will hang a load of washing and he takes alot of the mental load so why do I still feel like this.

My eyes keep trying to close I'm exhausted. If it was my job making me feel this way I'd be signed off with stress but this is my life.

The house is an absolute tip, clean but messy, we have outgrown it but can't move as can't afford it and even if we could I can't cope with the stress of moving. there's stuff everywhere. Part of my "job" being at home is to try to get the house in some sort of order so I've got a bag here in the car to drop off at the charity shop. It's a start of course but it's overwhelming that this bag is a drop in the ocean of the amount of stuff to sort out.

Sorry for the ramble If anyone can advise that would be great.

Ps I knnow I need to take some time off. I've started having lunch breaks each day recently as I used to just eat at my desk but it's worse now I'm taking a break as the weight of it all hits me. I sat in the garden the other day to have lunch and just sobbed. It's easier not to stop tbh.

Maybe I need to book in a break like I would a meeting eg say weds 1-2 I'm watching crap on YouTube or something as a break and schedule it in but I can't let myself, the panic that I should be doing stuff as there's so much to do.

Uurgh

Do you get any set time to yourself? I am a SAHM/ carer to my autistic school age kids, after feeling much like you do I started giving myself an hours "lunchbreak" every day and also a full school-day "off" during the week, to just do my own thing and relax. There's so much to do outside of school hours you definitely deserve the rest, its hard work being a carer and "on" all the time. The house stuff can wait. Your body is telling you that something has to give. Initially you may need to give yourself permission to have a full school week of peace to recover, doing just the bare minimum that week. I read on here when my eldest was a baby "everyone fed, nobody dead" and it's stuck with me- on the hard days, if you got everyone through the day, with all the bare essentials met- its a win!

Thanks for your reply, like I said above I've started taking a lunch break the last few weeks and feel flipping worse as the exhaustion hits me. It's easier not to stop.

I've dropped the bag off at the charity shop, I want to go to a lovely cafe and have a lovely healthy smoothie but my brain won't let me as stupid as that sounds.

Do you have a timetable or anything that you follow @DinosaurOfFire eg what you do each day to keep on top of stuff.

Even if they are in school, there's constant appointments and extra needs to meet. I don't know if you'd want to consider it or even can, but I reduced my work to the absolute minimum. I am still full on but can find some short windows to breathe, go for a walk, make a coffee now. Often I combine these things with tasks but they at least happen.

I have a loose schedule rather than a strict timetable. I have a desk day a week where I sit and do paperwork (forms, etc), another day I'll set myself the task of all the phone calls and correspondence like emails/ school messaging etc, another day is my "out of the house" day where I'll try to make sure all my stuff like the supermarket/ clothes shopping/ post office is done and then the 4th day is a housework day, where I make as much of a difference to the chaos as I can- decluttering/ tidying up etc. This is in addition to the essential everyday tasks like laundry/ cooking/ clearing the table etc- my DH does the dishwasher and bins unless he has an exceptionally busy week at work. If there's time on the other days I do what my mum called "pottering round the house" cleaning/ tidying etc. Then the 5th school day is my day to myself. I shift the tasks around the week depending on whats going on- if we have an appointment on say Tuesday, then thats my "out of the house" day but another week that might be a Thursday. During school holidays this all goes to pot and I'm back to exhausted but the term time weeks carry me through!

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I have no experience with disabled children but I just wanted to offer support and a hand hold. Do you get any respite at all, as in can your DC go into residential care for a weekend or during school holidays? Are there any charities near you that can offer practical help? Again apologies if this is a ridiculous notion.
Be kind to yourself. Do some things that YOU enjoy during the school day. Meditate (I know - but my husband swears by it). Walk and enjoy the sunshine over the next six months. Continue with your eating and exercise plan and find some release in that. Speak to the GP about some coping strategies.
Best of luck and hugs.

That's really helpful @DinosaurOfFire thanks.

I got my smoothie albeit a takeaway and sat in the car in the sun and my headache has eased off every so slightly.

Stress absolutely has a physical effect on you. I know you say that stopping doesn't help because it just makes starting again worse, but it really can help.

Dr Chatterjee talks the most sense on how to deal with this, and this is what you have to do, because you are stuck with the causes for the time being.

Stress Solution

I am so sorry life feels this hard. If you can possibly manage, outsourcing more of what you do would be a good idea - you're probably already doing so much more than a full time job. If before and after school is intense, maybe you need most of the day while children are at school to just consider as free time for you, not just an hour for lunch...
Can you pay for more help eg with housework or childcare?
The book Burnout by Emily Nagoski is brilliant.
Also, if you want to rest for a contained amount of time, I find the following helpful:
Ally Boothroyd yoga nidra on YouTube
Eye mask and ear plugs just shutting out the world for a spell of time
Breathing exercises - One Mindful Breath on YouTube is particularly lovely and feels like gentle, easy escapism. I can't do breathing exe of I'm actually crying or panicking but in slightly calmer, quiet moments they really help.

Someone asked about respite, DH will take over this evening and I'll escape to the gym for an hour or so. I feel I can breathe there. All I think about is getting to the next mile or minute or length if I'm swimming.

Potentially I could go the gym in the day but again my head won't let me I don't have time and am also scared of missing an important phonecall (no signal in gym)

I just want my head to stop hurting. Painkillers don't even touch the sides. But the minute I get to the gym it goes.

Potentially I could go the gym in the day but again my head won't let me I don't have time and am also scared of missing an important phonecall (no signal in gym)

I think this is part of the problem - when you’re very stressed you can’t see the woods for the trees and become scared of dropping the ball. That means you don’t take time for yourself to decompress, because that doesn’t feel as important as the other things you feel you need to do, but if you don’t look after yourself you compromise your ability to do what needs done, it’s a vicious cycle.

Adrenaline also keeps you moving so when you stop your feelings catch up and you feel overwhelmed.

Can you give yourself permission to use some time during the school day to use for yourself, to rest and recuperate? None of us can be on the go physically or mentally all the time, you need time to stop. I have two children with complex needs, I know it’s a never ending merry go round of meetings and appointments and caring responsibilities- it’s no surprise you’re exhausted.

This is burnout sweetheart, you need to be kind for yourself - take time out for yourself, get some outside help in if you can, eat well, a decent nights sleep.

If at all possible, your husband needs to take some of the mental load off you before you have a full blown breakdown.

Can I ask how many children you have? And what means you only get a few hours sleep each night?

Is that due to being unable to sleep?

What is it that is taking up so much of your time through the day?

Do you have work experience that means you could return to work if you wanted to?

I know you said you have a disabled child - may I ask in which way? Have you had a carers assessment?

Hi all, feeling slightly calmer today. Meeting a friend this afternoon for a walk and a coffee. But tbh I just want to go to sleep.

Had a massive cry to DH last night and he (nicely) ordered me to bed with the iPad to watch things and switch off while he did dinner / bath/ bed. I tried to watch things but was just shaking so much.

He said tomorrow morning I can sleep and sleep then hopefully we will get out somewhere with the DC we like woodland walks etc.

Someone asked what do I do all day...here's one day this week. Up at 6, get all DC ready etc School run which is an hour round trip, half an hour at the doctor's sorting something, top up shop at supermarket, rang 2 different hospitals, had a telephone meeting with school, did a load of washing, prepped dinner as I can't do it when children are home, tried to have a lunch break, and I need to leave for school run at 2pm.

I try to get to bed around 10.30 but I just can't relax I feel I should be doing stuff.

Maybe I need to try meds? Ibe been offered anti depressants In the past but have turned them down as I'm worried about the side effects. Plus I don't think I'm depressed.

What do I say to the mental health nurse next week? I'm tired? Everyone's tired though.

Another update from me...

I've just woken up 😔 DH said I needed to sleep. I'm so so tired.

Trying to be gentle with myself.

Debating not going to church tomorrow so all the pressure is off of getting everyone out but I feel guilty, the children love it.

Your children will be fine missing church for one day. Tell them Mummy is tired. It's good for them to learn empathy and that, sometimes, they need to do things for other people - like miss an activity.

Life should never be this hard. I feel anxious just reading the demands of your life. Whenever I have felt my version of this, I've literally dropped everything and just got some much needed rest, and shut my phone off to not be accessible. I appreciate you can't do that with the kids. But I would 100%be paying for a housekeeper and a cook once a month to keep things in order, and have a life outside of meeting the demands of others I have responsibility towards. I know I know it's expensive, but nothing in life is more expensive than trading in health. Absolutely nothing. You and DH need to Re-evaluate how to better manage lifes responsibilities. No one should ever have to 'cope' with life. If you're coping, and feeling ill, you're not living. Please don't trasact your health. And, there's care available for a disabled child. So get homecare involved. Don't run yourself into the ground trying to hold up the entire world for everyone around you.