Becoming More Hermit-y

[SilentGoLightly]

I've always been a loner, ever since childhood. I've spent my life trying to 'be' in a busy world, and have finally managed to get life to a point where I'm at home virtually all the time. I WFH, for myself, and never have to deal with people other than by email.

My DH is wonderful, and takes our children wherever they need to be, so I don't have to be around people.

When I am in a social situation, I present well, good social skills, I can 100% act like someone who wants to be there, but it will take me days to recover my equilibrium.

My closest friend has just announced that she's moving away, and she's upset that we won't see each other. I really, really like her and if I have to see someone, she's much better than most. However, my one feeling is elation that I no longer have to meet up with her and chat every two weeks.

I'm lurching between trying to accept myself for who I am, and feeling monstrous because I don't want to ever be around anyone, ever.

My DH and children are exceptions. But outside our family unit, I find any social interaction a horrible, upsetting burden. I cannot believe anyone actually genuinely enjoys it, and I simultaneously know how wrong I must be about that.

I feel so exhausted with trying to be normal. I just need to say this out loud (as in typing it silently ).

Anyone else relate to any of this?

I can only really cope with spending time around strangers. I go to a nearby town to use the library as I can't cope with the fact that I know one of the local librarians.

My own hunch about this kind of stuff, is that it will probably turn out that socializing with others is actually rather like physical exercise: viz, if you don't do it, your ability to do it will weaken over time and bits of you will start to atrophy, and "not liking it" doesn't actually negate the fact that you probably do need to do at least a basic minimum amount of it.

I wonder if I'm the same. I seem to be growing worse as I get older. I'm trying to push myself to engage more in the outside world.

I do occasional freelance work and hobbies outside the home, but I would rather not mix or chat to people there, just polite chit chat. I can also present well in social situations, but it's only a short time period then I get an urge to just leave, or I lose concentration massively and feel anxious.

My friends mostly live a distance away, and I don't mind online chatting, and I also have friends I've only known online.

I'm like this too, OP. I find socializing high effort, low reward. I don't get anxious about it, I actually have really good social skills, but always feel as though I'm wearing a mask. I have my topics that I'm really interested in, but am aware no one else is, so it's all just bland small talk, which feels tiring and pointless. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not entirely neurotypical.

Sounds like you have a life that is bringing you joy and peace. How you feel is not unusual to feel from time to time but I’d say it’s the strength and consistency that is probably different. There is nothing bad about realising you need a different kind of life and making that happen. How does your husband feel about socialising?

PS worth having a search online for autistic women. You may find people you enjoy socialising with, if only online.

MN is teeming with people who feel like this - there will be many like-minded souls along soon to agree with you.

YANBU to feel the ways you do, but I would find such a life soul-destroying. So your belief that people don’t actually enjoy socialising is very wrong.

Humans are social beings - and while you are obviously an exception to that, my feeling is that the huge increase in social anxiety in the last generation + the huge prevalence of mental health issues is absolutely linked.

Humans need social contact, and if you’ve talked yourself (not you personally) into a state of anxiety at the prospect of dealing with your own species, then something is amiss.

My parents modelled good friendships, socialising and entertaining, and enjoying meeting new people to DB and I. And DH’s parents did the same for him. I hope (believe!) we’re doing the same for our DC.

I wouldn’t be without my friendships and many meet-ups and catch-ups, 1-on-1 or in groups, for anything. And I love seeing my DC having a good time with their friends. It gives you something simple to look forward to and makes life enjoyable.

Caveat: it should go without saying that of course all bets are off if you’re neurodiverse.

Sorry, this was meant to say -

My feeling is that the huge increase in social anxiety in the last generation and the desire to isolate and withdraw + the huge prevalence of mental health issues are absolutely linked.

Of course social anxiety and mental health are linked. The former is an example of the latter.

I think there are quite a few people like this, and a higher proportion of them amongst MN users compared to the general population.

I think this lifestyle is fine when you’re busy with work, family and kids but it’s worth keeping one eye on the future. My FIL died a few years ago and my MIL is now incredibly lonely as he was pretty much her entire social life. She can no longer drive due to a health condition, her world has become very small. She’s actually said to my DH that she now wishes she’d made more effort to build a network and get to know her local community when she was younger.

I do wonder if this type of "isolating beyond immediate family" is actually perfectly normal. It's societal expectations of us now, that are unrealistic, particularly with the arrival of the internet. For example, when I was very young (1970's), my Grandparents brought me up in a small village. My Nan (who didn't work) was friends with a neighbour in our road, but aside from that, all other social interactions were with family who would visit or we would visit them. She was perfectly social outwardly. This doesn't sound unlike you OP. No one had huge social networks outside of their immediate vicinity. I think the internet, and social media has made people feel that if they don't have at least 500 "friends" and are skydiving off the Eiffel Tower on a Tuesday afternoon, then they are lacking socially.

I'm the first to admit that lockdown (let me excuse the tragic side for a moment) was a huge relief for introverts, and rather than being unusual, took us back to how we used to cope perfectly adequately without social pressure.

I would accept yourself as you are OP, and don't feel that you have to conform to other peoples expectations or ideals of what is right. Providing you are not suffering any social anxieties or anything that debilitates your or your families ability to function adequately, then what is right is what makes you happy.

I think your grandmother was pretty unusual. I was brought up by my SAHM mother in the 70s and 80s - few women worked, but they all bumped into each other down the shops, in the park and outside the school, and went to each others' houses all the time for tea and coffee. I believe statistics show that people, on average, spend far more time alone than they ever used to.

By nature, introverted types tend to dominate on the internet. I mean, people who spend their time doing other things will be spending less time on here, by definition.

How does your dh feel about this? Does he socialise at all?

I quite like people in small doses, but I don’t need them. Even with DH, both retired, we don’t spend much time together except at meals and in the evenings ( then watching Tv, reading , sewing so other things going on ). During the day we will be in the garden but doing separate tasks, or inside we each have a study/ studio.

My Gran used to say she liked her own company, and I think that’s me, too (oddly, she was my favourite grandparent, and we spent a lot of time together, but in quite a quiet and calm way).

I have discovered that as I have gotten older, I have "reverted" to the person I was before hormones changed ruined my life.

I feel far less of a need or motivation to socialise, I prefer my own company, and am happy with being in contact with family pretty much exclusively.

I don't have as much social energy nowadays, so I have to choose. As a pp said doing what is right for you OP, is the important thing. Enjoy your time doing whatever makes you happiest.

This is kind of me too. I prefer my own company and always have, although I was a fairly social student and ran my own business (a shop that brought me into contact with lots of people daily) for years. But even as a small child I hated parties and other gatherings.

My mum (also a SAHM during the 1970s/80s) was similar - she hated coffee mornings etc and although she and my dad had led a pretty hectic social life before I was born (they were married 12 years prior to having me, their only DC), apart from the occasional dinner party and the annual New Year's party which friends took turn to host, this effectively tailed off once I came along. Her 'friends' were mostly people she wrote to at Christmas and I don't recall her ever having one round (not even school mums) or sending them cards for birthdays etc.

These days, fifty-somethings DH and I (our one DS lives in a different part of the UK with his family) live rurally in a place we moved to five years ago and where we had no previous connections. I don't drive so am reliant on DH (although we are planning to sell in the near future to move somewhere with more amenities of the cultural variety) and rarely - if ever - have contact with anyone other than him. I run an online business these days so any 'conversations' I have on a daily basis are on the internet. I prefer it that way and have no desire to change.

Where we live we have two near-ish neighbours and one of those couples (who admittedly have a reputation locally for being bolshy and winding up the other neighbours) I've only ever met him once and her never. I'd hate to have neighbours where you felt obligated to be friends/meet socially. In fact wherever we've lived (several locations, within a city, a village and suburbia) we have only ever had the kind of neighbours who invite everyone to parties once - I struggled to attend a couple of these but after an excruciating hour or so, excused myself and went home leaving DH to represent us both.

Talking of DH he has a job that requires him to be charming and friendly which he enjoys being...but he also prefers his (or my!) own company and his hobbies (like my own - creating art, reading, gardening and DIY) are home-based. We don't - and never have really - go out to the pub etc, but neither of us craves that kind of contact with others. DH feels he talks enough during the day at work! He is different to me though, in the respect that if he's outside on the lane and dog walkers go past - those he 'knows' as well as strangers (both our neighbours run holiday cottages as well as living on site so there's a few of those) - he'll strike up a conversation, whereas if I see anyone coming I'll hurry inside to avoid having to speak with them.

I know that if anything happens to DH and he dies before me, I'll have to move near to DS (my only family other than cousins I have no contact with) and we're readying ourselves for that by making the move a bit closer soon and getting me somewhere with shops in walking distance.

I love my own company. My husband loves his own company. We love each other but we’re not in each others pockets. I do my thing and he does his. I was quite the party animal for about 40 years. No more. It took me a long, long time to realise I don’t actually like other people very much so I only see now who i can be bothered to see.

I avoid seeing people, love spending time with DH and our two teenage kids but that’s it. I am seeing my family in 5 weeks and while they are perfectly nice I will be glad to get back home. I have 3 good girl friends but I prefer to just chat on the phone a couple of times a month, don’t want to meet up. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me, definitely not autistic, just in my 50s and happiest at home. We live very rurally so it’s wonderfully quiet.