Sorry, this may be long.
A bit of background - I am mid-thirties, female and have 1 dd (10) who is currently on the waiting list to be assessed for autism, which is what has triggered all of this for me. I am finding life increasingly more difficult, and have researched a LOT about the traits my dd has which has caused a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. DD is typical (suspected) autistic girl - flown under the radar for a long time and presents as NT to most people, but we've put together lots of pieces of the puzzle and her teacher has agreed she is likely autistic and is helping with referral.
I am unsure why I am finding it so difficult right now, maybe extra stress as both DH and I are working full-time and trying to run a business on top of this, but I think the realisation that I may be autistic has made me notice things a bit more? I am having a particularly bad day - woke up this morning absolutely exhausted and completely shut down. Found it hard to get words out when DH was speaking to me earlier. I don't feel depressed as such, just completely drained.
I'll do a list below of things I have noted down, but could anyone advise if they think its worth approaching my GP about it? I know about the Right to Choose pathway through all the research I've done, so if I decide to, I think that will be the route I'd go down.
Sensory
- Very sensitive to loud noises/noise - I can't take my DD to the school disco, for example, as the noise is too much for me and I find it really overwhelming
- Find it hard to hear people when they talk as can’t filter out other sound (no problem with hearing as I've had it checked a few times over the years)
- Do not like being touched - known as the 'non hugger' in life, and find touching anyone just in an everyday sense very awkward
- Sensitive to how things feel - get frustrated at feeling of clothes etc.
- Can often feel sick at the thought of something - an example of this is I saw a news story recently about something gross food-wise and it made me feel horrendous for a few days, like my whole body was cringing constantly... which sounds ridiculous and I understand how irrational it is!
Social
- Do not enjoy social situations and actively avoid them
- Find it hard to make small talk/keep conversation going
- I have practiced ‘scripts’ for conversation - certain phrases I will say for small-talk as it doesn't come naturally to me at all
- I can 'switch on' my (fake) personality and can actually come across as very normal and bubbly if I need to, but it's completely pretend
- Mirror peoples body language in conversation
- Spend all conversations thinking about how much eye contact I should be giving / how I should hold myself to look relaxed / should I unfold my arms etc etc.
- Spend a lot of time thinking about how I am perceived by others / replaying conversations I've had
- I do have friends but I never have 'best friends' and always feel like I'm on the peripheral group throughout my life. Find it hard keeping in touch with people and I'm always a bit of a second thought to a lot of friends. I do not blame people for this, I think I just struggle for some reason and probably think I'm closer friends with people than I actually am?
Other stuff
- Stimming - picking fingers, rubbing finger nails and moving fingers in patterns - worse when stressed
- Facial ticks - this used to be worse when I was a teenager and I've not done it for a long time, but has come back a bit recently
- Grinding teeth/clenching jaw
- Need a lot of downtime/alone time to recharge
- Find being social/talking to people/doing stuff exhausts me
- Shut down when stressed
- Brain fog - getting increasingly worse - cannot process what I am trying to say, very forgetful
- Bad memory - I can only remember very small amounts from my childhood. Cannot remember anyones names from school/teachers names/family memories my siblings talk about
- Find it hard to process what people are saying in conversation - easily confused and have to get people to repeat stuff a lot, even though I am fairy intelligent
- Struggle with vestibular balance - couldn't swim or ride a bike until I was in secondary school (and still not great at it). Find a lot of things terrifying, like heights, struggle with stairs and escalators etc.
- Bad with managing money
- Binge eating - I think this may be a sensory seeking thing for me
- Get obsessed with things and will research intensely then move onto the next thing and do it again
As a child/teenager I struggled a lot with anxiety and I thought I has OCD for a number of years, but after researching I realise this was a lot of pattern recognition and self-regulatory behaviour. I didn't have a bad childhood but my parents weren't the type to talk about anything more than surface level stuff (still the case now) so they never picked up on any of this. My Mum said recently that when I was a teenager I would never speak to anyone and came across as rude a lot of the time.
I got on ok at school - I was considered to be quite clever in primary school but didn't do great at secondary as my parents weren't interested in pushing me at all and I was left to my own devices. I wasn't part of the popular crowd but wasn't bullied either, just sort of coasted through unnoticed. I did have friends so didn't find things difficult in that respect until I got to about 18+.
I'm not entirely sure a diagnosis would do much, but it would answer a lot of questions for me and maybe help me to work out how to look after myself.
Sorry it was long - any advice appreciated!