Handhold?! Feel I've gone too far in another life feck up

[Feckadoodledoo]

Haven't got the cash for private therapy/counselling and goodness knows when I'll get seen on the NHS...

I feel like recently I've gone way too far with making a silly mistake/s in work recently, that my manager is eager to see the back of me even though I don't deserve it and that the only option is to run away to another job but I really don't want to do that just yet. I can't give details of events as it'd be outing.

I feel mortified by my actions recently, I guess it's possibly imposter syndrome, feel I've been exposed as a fraud/ incapable but I'm really not, it's just been a series of unfortunate events and circumstances, a shit tonne of bad luck.

I feel like I want to crawl in to a hole and die! But I can't as I've got a family who I love and I just have to keep on going! I'm not suicidal just struggling massively at adulting I guess.

I’d contact a few local counselling charities and get on their waiting lists. Then also contact some private therapists who say they offer reduced fees and see how cheap they can offer sessions for. The internet strangers are not the people to support well with this sort of thing.

You sound overwhelmed OP.

It's impossible for anyone here to advise on or fully understand your situation at work with no details or context, unfortunately. A drop in performance and a succession of 'silly' mistakes doesn't need to be call for running away to another job. Instead I would consider asking to speak with your manager to outline that you're having a difficult time at the moment, are aware you have made some mistakes at work and discuss a route forward - what support would be helpful to you etc. I doubt the manager wants to " see the back of you" but I do imagine they would appreciate the honesty and the opportunity to move the situation forward to everyone's satisfaction. It's worth pointing out that if you're not being performance managed, or in the disciplinary process in any capacity for a mistake made then I doubt any of it as severe or frowned upon as you think. If they wanted you gone, realistically they would be commencing those steps. I wouldn't add job hunting and a new job into the mix unless it was necessary.

Regarding therapy, are you on a waiting list? Have a look at "right to choose" and speak to your GP to exercise it, this way you can see the waiting times for talking therapies at each centre and select one where you will be seen sooner. I would also speak to your GP about how you are feeling and whether it is worth screening for depression if you are feeling very low and that is impacting you personally and professionally.

In the same way that you have a family you love, you also have a family that love you and I would be looking to them for support or help if you need it too.

Thanks. Yes I'm on antidepressants. Had them increased. I've had time off work and everything. I'm just broken. I've had an occupational health report on returning and work therefore should understand/know the circumstances. I just feel like I've fecked up far too far and I'm desperately unhappy as a result and really have a strong flight instinct.

I'm gonna say give yourself a lot of self care OP, rest, eat well, sleep well, get out in nature etc. It's impossible to deal effectively with the challenges of life when you don't have it in the tank. Trust me. Been there. Yes do looks at your needs, feelings and motives in the context of what has gone on, and get in touch with deeper values that you believe in too, that will help you get back on track. Keep doing what works and ditch what doesn't

Do your workplace offer counselling through an EAP? HR or occupational health will know - can be quicker than most other routes and fully confidential.