Twat ex just hung up on my 7yo - just venting

[Fuckmydickheadex]

He is just a dickhead. He does the bare minimum for her, then expects me and her to bend over backwards to accommodate his half arsed parenting.

He has her every 2nd weekend overnight, her birthday falls on 'his' Sunday this year, he doesn't actually do anything for birthdays or Xmas, generally buys something he wants and keeps it as his house and that's about it. She gets spoiled/treated here so it's not like she misses out, but he just wants these days and then doesn't actually bother making them special.

I was prepared to do her birthday on the Friday before she goes to his, as I do when these days fall on his weekend, however she happens to have a competition for her hobby on her birthday this year.

I messaged him (he doesn't really engage with me at all) and explained she has a competition so he would need to have her there for 9.30am, and it may take 4 or 5 hours, depending how well she does. I already had to arrange this hobby so it doesn't fall on weekends often as he doesn't want to commit his time like that.

So tonight he calls her (he bought her a phone just for calls from him) and starts trying to guilt her because he can't take her to her competition (no reason other than he can't be arsed) and he told her to ask me to leave in the morning, drive to his (30 mins away) pick her up, take her home, get her ready, then take her, wait, then take her back to his and he will drop her back at tea time.

I messaged as he was on the phone saying I can't do that, so he then says to dd "mum says she won't take you, so you'll have to choose between staying at daddy's or mums this weekend" she said she wants to stay at mine and go to her competition, so then he just snapped "fine I won't see you on your birthday, and I'll spend the day alone then, I have to go now" and hung up.

Poor dd was in tears.

I can't deal with his shitty guilt tripping and emotional abuse anymore, fucking asshole.

I know there's not a lot to be done really, other than support dd as best I can, just needed a rant.

7 is going to understand this but I think in this situation, he has chosen to involve her so get her involved.

apologise for his behaviour. Be clear why you said to him you couldn’t and that you will take her to the competition. Also explain to her in age appropriate terms (look for an nspcc video online?) what emotional abuse and bribery is.

make her aware it isn’t her job to appease him and he has chosen to be alone by not taking her to the competition, make sure she knows it isn’t her fault

Sounds liked my ds dad, I would never bad mouth my Ds's dad, however, I will tell my ds when his dads behaviour isn't ok towards my ds. Support your daughter like you said, make sure she knows her dads behaviour isn't acceptable

He sounds like a child in this situation not the parent.
I think you need to explain to her in language she understand the best you can.

Poor kid

I've got her some support at school to help deal with his emotional manipulation, unfortunately it doesn't meet any threshold for contact centre visitation or whatever, and she does love him, but he is just a piece of shit.

I've learned a thing in two from doing the freedom programme after I left him, and I bring that into her life in an age appropriate way, and we do talk about it as well.

My biggest worry is her thinking this shit is normal and seeking out a partner like him in the future.

He also hates her hobby as its a 'boys' hobby according to him. He also manipulated her into keeping long hair that she absolutely didn't want. He wants a little princess type daughter, and dd just isn't that at all.

It's soul destroying seeing what he does to her, and then trying to give her the strength and tools to stand up for herself, especially when I'm only just learning myself.

So sorry you & DD are going through this. My Dad left when I was 12 & went from being a devoted Dad to not caring if he saw his children or not. It was awful & he did & said some terrible things such as 'if I had my life again I wouldn't have had children' (told me this when I was 13) I remember calling him because when I was 14, a friend of mine was killed in a terrible incident. He couldn't take me crying & hung up the phone. He never sent me a birthday or Xmas card but did for my siblings. Very odd.

I'm 33 now & despite many years since I last saw him, he managed to get hold of my number & now he is the one trying to get hold of me. The issue is it's too late, I needed him 15/20 years ago, not now.

Sorry to bang on about myself but the point I am trying to make here is to be as honest as you can with a 7 YO. Let her know she's loved no matter what he does or says, (sure you already do) & at the end of the day he will end up being the sorry one if he can't be bothered to be a half decent parent now. She's 7 now but in the blink of an eye she will be 17 & she will remember who made the effort & who didn't.

I'm so sorry @Gawdknows 💐 I never had a dad in my life (then the twat my mother married was abusive) then I went straight into abusive relationship after abusive relationship so I get how much it fucks you up.

I had dd and knew I had to do better and set her a good example so have been working on making myself stronger and using that to give her the tools she will need to not turn out like me.

In some ways I wonder if it would be better if he just fucked off entirely, but he's too controlling for that.

I'm so careful not to insult him, but I don't lie about him or big him up either. I'm just here trying to clean up the mess he makes, and I hate it.

I know she will have a few tears on her birthday because he will ignore her now.

Haven't got anything practical to say but just wanted to say you sound like a great, strong Mam, keep doing what you are doing for your daughter.

@Fuckmydickheadex You sound like an amazing Mum & I wish my own Mum had been as attentive to me when my Dad was being a prick for all those years as you are being to your DD. It would have made so much difference to me at the time. I was never told his behaviour wasn't my fault, I was never told I was good enough.. and as small as these things are to say & perhaps cliche, they make all the difference.

There's a Maya Angelou quote which says you'll forget what people said & did to you, but you'll never forget how they made you feel & it sticks with me. You may think you're not doing enough & you're getting it all wrong, but you are making that little girl feel safe & loved & she won't forget that now or in years to come.

Best of luck OP to you & your DD x

What a cunt. Sorry OP 😕