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Original poster

Wedding Invite

23 replies

treedragon · 08/05/2023 09:26

I’ve not had a wedding invite for a long long time. Probably 20 years plus. But someone I class as one of my best friends invited me to theirs which was announced over a year ago. I don’t know if traditions have changed but I was, probably foolishly?? Expecting a nice invite card. I kept hearing about it and two weeks before the event he said I’d like you to come to the wedding in the evening there is a party. I said so what about the actual ceremony. No room at the venue.

I have a lot of social anxiety so absolutely hate dos and lots of people. I’d have much rather just gone to the ceremony bit and left. The whole point of going for me would be to see one of my best friends get married. Going to some evening shindig seems pointless as they are married by then. I may as well see them next week when they get back from the honeymoon.

Anyway. I didn’t go to the evening thing due to my issues but I sent a present to the home. I put £350 in a envelope with a card. I’d intended on doing that anyway.

I am expecting them to ask why I didn’t go. Should I just be honest or say some untrue emergency came up.

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/05/2023 09:34

Presumably one of your best friends knows you have social anxiety, in which case you say "I couldn't face it but appreciated the invitation. Did you have a lovely day?"

Original poster

treedragon · 08/05/2023 09:40

yes they do know. It’s the first invitation I’ve ever had though where you just get verbally asked. I’ve not spoken to anyone else invited so I assume all those that went were phoned up and told “my wedding is on x date you can come if you want”.

also All the other invites I have had you actually saw the person that gets married actually get married! Isn’t that the point? Then in the past I have left after the service. I’ve never had “come to the wake not the cremation”

OP posts:

TheCrystalPalace · 08/05/2023 09:44

It all sounds a bit of a mash up, with the lack of written invitations leading to misunderstandings developing.
However, I think it might have been a good idea for you to tell her in advance that you weren't going to attend the evening do. They had quite probably catered for you. She may well be hacked off about that so you need to work out what you're going to say. £350 was very generous though.

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Weddings

LittleBearPad · 08/05/2023 09:44

Evening invites do seem a second tier of invite, I don’t like them, but even so usually have proper invitations.

I think it’s absolutely fine to say thank you for the invitation I appreciated it but didn’t feel comfortable coming. Your present was very generous.

Wake not the cremation made me smile 😀.

Original poster

treedragon · 08/05/2023 09:48

I do know the whole shebang cost about £18.5k and a pack of 50 invitations on Amazon is only £5.99.

OP posts:

Original poster

treedragon · 08/05/2023 09:50

Our of interest how much do people give in terms of wedding gifts? I sent cash as I felt it was more useful but was also concerned it was also “tacky” and thoughtless. The wedding I’ve attended have been traditionally toasters and towel bales given.

OP posts:

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/05/2023 09:51

Is the ceremony very small and family only? If not I’d be rethinking that this person is one of your best friends. Also totally not unreasonable to expect a proper invitation, even if having people just for an evening do it’s rude not to properly invite

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/05/2023 09:51

and I give about £50 cash for weddings, which is all we can afford outside family

Original poster

treedragon · 08/05/2023 09:53

LittleBearPad · 08/05/2023 09:44

Evening invites do seem a second tier of invite, I don’t like them, but even so usually have proper invitations.

I think it’s absolutely fine to say thank you for the invitation I appreciated it but didn’t feel comfortable coming. Your present was very generous.

Wake not the cremation made me smile 😀.

This is also a bit on my mind. They are one of my best and closest friends so I kind of feel I’m actually not that important and my only good enough for the B list party. I’m sure it isn’t like that, I would hope, but it feels like it. I’d not be sure what to make of it if I hear other got a proper invitation!

OP posts:

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 08/05/2023 09:54

I’d give £100, but certainly not to one where I was an evening party attendee rather than wedding guest.

spottybug · 08/05/2023 09:54

Thing is, if they know about your anxiety maybe they didnt want to put pressure on you to attend an event with limited numbers where inviting you would mean they couldn't invite someone else meaning if you didn't turn up it would be frustrating for them no matter how much they understood

spottybug · 08/05/2023 09:54

And I say that as a person with anxiety

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 08/05/2023 09:55

‘Best and closest’ friend doesn’t align with last minute, verbal mention of coming to the evening party only…

NeatCompactSleeper · 08/05/2023 09:58

You knew you weren't going to bother attending but didn't tell them in advance, and now you're wondering whether you should like to him, is that right?

NeatCompactSleeper · 08/05/2023 10:00

*Lie

Campervangirl · 08/05/2023 10:00

I don't want to add to your anxiety but a verbal invitation smacks of being an afterthought.
I don't attend weddings if invited to the evening do, it really is a second tier invitation.
If I'm not close / important enough to attend the ceremony then I don't need to be there at all but that's just me.
£350 as a present for a wedding you didn't attend is a massive amount, I'm sure they'll be very grateful though.
I think you have been very kind, hopefully they'll send you a thank you card

Original poster

treedragon · 08/05/2023 10:05

NeatCompactSleeper · 08/05/2023 09:58

You knew you weren't going to bother attending but didn't tell them in advance, and now you're wondering whether you should like to him, is that right?

I didn’t really know if I was going to go or not. It was just an invite of come to the evening but. Verbally. No RSVP. Certainly if I’d been invited to see the event I’d have said don’t cater for me because I will enjoy the ceremony and leave afterwards.

OP posts:

TheShade · 08/05/2023 10:34

If it’s an evening invite and was as casually mentioned to you as you said, I think your no response is bit more forgivable.

However…I would tell a white lie and say I felt too ill on the day to attend.
I wouldn’t mention the social anxiety thing or wanting to go to the ceremony, they might feel guilty. Also, I would be pissed thinking you didn’t have any real intention of attending and didn’t say anything.

£350 is a hell of a lot - the most I’ve ever given is £250 (best friend and I was MOH, was matching what she gave me).
Usually £50 or £100 (for close friends or close family).
But money isn’t a tacky gift, no, not nowadays and is also standard in other cultures.

NerrSnerr · 08/05/2023 11:40

£350! That is an insane amount of money. We give about £50 as that's as much as we can afford.

HairyFarnbarn · 08/05/2023 12:20

Wow £350 is so much. Do you think that they consider you as much of a friend as you consider them?

DappledThings · 08/05/2023 12:23

£350? That's a crazy amount to have given anyone as a wedding present. I would have sent a text the day before to say I was sorry not to be able to make it rather than just not turning up. But I wouldn't have given anywhere as much money as that either.

CheezePleeze · 08/05/2023 13:17

I don't know why the OP told us how much money she gave them, that's her own personal business really.

I wouldn't lie to them though. I'd just tell them you didn't want to go.

Original poster

treedragon · 08/05/2023 17:33

i had the thought to just say I was unwell or maybe be upfront on two reasons. The social anxiety of a noisy evening do with strangers and that the entire point is to see someone get married and that I would have been more than prepared to make the super human effort to attend the ceremony but it’s just not worth it for an evening bash.

OP posts:

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