Meeting nephew how to keep it together

[Meeting]

I had a miscarriage a little over 2 weeks ago. It was horrendous for me and mentally the worst thing I've ever been through.

At my request only DH knows about it. I am not strong enough to discuss it with anyone.

Tomorrow we are going to meet our new nephew (SILs baby). We all have a great relationship and I know not going is not an option and I've already put it off by a week.

I am so happy for them and excited to meet their child, however I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope. I think if I cry I'll have to try and make out that they are tears of joy.

Has anyone been through similar and managed to hold themselves together?

Sorry for your loss.
I’ve had similar experiences - meeting new babies after multiple IVF failures. It’s really really hard.
Do you need to keep it together? In my experience people will not judge you for crying/not wanting to hold the baby etc.
I think it’s ok to have an emotional response. Could you say that you are trying yourselves and seeing their baby has brought up a lot of feelings for you.
It’s possible to be happy for them and desperately sad for yourself simultaneously.
I met my nephew and refused to hold him because I didn’t trust myself not to fully break down, but my family at least knew that I was going through fertility treatment and understood why it was difficult for me.

If you're really close to her, is it written being honest and telling her the bare bones? That also means DH can lean on his brother is he needs support. Ask them for it to go no further. Then either go and they'll understand is you cry or put it off again

@Helenahandkart sorry to hear you went through similar. I definitely do want to keep it together because I don't want to open myself up to questions at all.

@SleepingStandingUp we won't be the only people there or this could have been an option. I also really don't want people to know, I feel like it's a lot easier to avoid conversations that I really don't want to have, even further in the future

Sorry OP. I've been there too.

I think you should tell people. You don't have to talk about it, but then people will at least understand.

In my case, I found I was ok visiting other people's babies, but upset afterwards.

However, if you can't, it's absolutely fine not to for now, and anyone will understand.

If you insist on not telling at least SIL and BIL before you go then perhaps a little lie about having a cold and you don't want to pass it on to baby?
Give yourself some time and for hormones to subside.

I had a miscarriage and was going through IVF when my step daughter had her baby. We had Covid, which meant I had some breathing space, but I found it very hard. Weirdly, I was okay with me holding the baby, but seeing my husband do the same nearly broke me to start with. I love my step daughter incredibly, but it still is hard at times. I find the visits being on my terms (that sounds awful!) easier - if I’m in charge of visiting / choosing when to leave etc then I feel more in control incase I need an exit plan. Could you have a fake engagement (doctors appointment?) lined up incase you need to escape? Also, take flowers and gifts so you can have busy hands if you need to nip off. Thinking of you, it’s a raw time even if you love the people dearly

So sorry for your loss.

I know you will feel really isolated and incredibly vulnerable right now.

We got married around the same time as a lot of friends, would have preferred later but potential fertility issues so we cracked on…

What this meant was that when I was trying to focus on coping with fertility problems and multiple miscarriages I was surrounded by pregnant friends.

And it was awful.

We became really isolated and didn’t see people. I cancelled my 30th bday after having a miscarriage because I couldn’t deal with it being dominated by bumps and baby talk everywhere.

I fell pregnant again and plucked up the courage to meet a heavily pregnant friend for coffee to try and support her as she had a rough pregnancy…. I nipped to the loo and realised I was miscarrying again (nothing to be done) and proceeded to sit with her for a further half hour until I could go home.

You aren’t alone with this and a lot of women are in the position where they have to plaster a smile on.

Do your best with it and pass yourself. Plan to do something nice when you come home and let yourself cry if you need to.

If you really don’t feel up to it, develop an illness as nobody wants sick people around babies. Give yourself a bit more time.

As hard as it is know that your time will come and to let the loss or lack of baby now dominate your life is to not live it.

Whenever you see this little baby, you will see a snippet of time, probably in the afternoon when it is sleepy…..

You will not see the hours of crying, the sleep deprivation, the bleeding/chaffed nipples, the enormous amount of chaos, the giving up of work and hobbies and the exhaustion… because everybody glosses over that to say “aren’t they so CUTE!”

I eventually did have my beautiful baby, and DC is wonderful, but it transpires has SEN so that has changed my life enormously. (Children are exhausting long beyond the baby stage and then you become their PA once at school)

In a very long winded way I’m trying to say that I wish I had enjoyed my life more when I was free to instead of being abjectly miserable for several years because it zapped my energy for when the baby actually did come and I missed out on very many things that would have been good for me and that I would have enjoyed.

Please take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Enjoy your life. Your baby will come too. 💐

do you think it’s too soon? You could always feign sickness and meet your nephew later. It seems a bit soon

I've been there and it's hard. Can you offer to help with the housework or something to avoid spending much time with the baby?

If you’re absolutely set on not telling anyone (and that’s fine - we didn’t talk about our IVF for several years) then it might be worth not going tomorrow. As PP said, you are going to be really fragile and hormonal at the moment, and might be asking too much of yourself.
Anyone with a new baby is going to be quite anxious about illness, so a suspected sore throat or cold sore or something else quite minor but contagious would be a good reason to stay away for the sake of the baby.
Send flowers and apologies and wait until the immediate rawness of your loss has subsided before making plans to see them.
I still struggle with new babies and pregnancy announcements even after almost 20 years, but I allow myself to grieve, and avoid these kind of situations when I’m not feeling emotionally robust.

I've been in a similar situation. And I decided not to go, just said I had a D&V and didn't want to risk passing it on. Prioritise your mental health and your feelings. Maybe do a video call from your home. Don't push yourself.

Thanks everyone for the advice and @SensationalSusie you were unbelievably brave to have carried on with that coffee date, I can't even imagine.

I know it would make things easier if I just tell people, but I just don't want to do that right now. I'm quite a closed off person and it's taken me a good amount of time to even open up to DH about my feelings.

I like the suggestions of offering to help with other tasks (making making cups of tea) or having a reason to leave if needed. Will discuss something with DH so he is on the same page.

Like you @Dressshelp I don't think my issue will be with holding the baby myself, it will be with looking around and seeing someone else have what I so desperately want and just lost.

Also I know not going would be the best option, DH also saying not to go if I don't think I can cope. I just really feel that I should and I also want to try not to allow this to stop me doing things I would otherwise look forward to because then I'd beat myself up and sit at home feeling worse.

I don't think you're ready, @Meeting - I know you're trying to be brave and you feel like you should go, but I think you should put yourself first and give yourself some more time before you face situations like these. It's so, so hard - I've had many rounds of IVF and miscarriages and it's very difficult to always put the brave face on.

I honestly think you should arrange to meet the baby when it will be just you and your DH, and say you have a cold or something - as PPs have said, nobody wants a sick person around a newborn. I don't think the new parents would mind a postponement at all.

I wouldn’t go. You only miscarried 2 weeks ago, so it’s too raw. Yes you will need to face these things but it’s too soon at the moment. There’s nothing to be gained by putting yourself through the agony.

Two weeks is very very early. I've been in similar situations and, honestly, I would make an excuse not to go, especially if there are other people going so it's not just you feeling you're standing them up. Give yourself a few more weeks at least. Very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

I have experienced the same pain. I would personally wait until you feel ready.

Please don't push yourself too far until you've healed xx

I get where you’re coming from.

For me when I saw my friend I so badly wanted to do what I normally would and support her.

You sound like a nice person who also wants to be supportive.

But there is nothing wrong with saying you’re ill (D&V a good suggestion), maybe try and arrange a time when there aren’t others there and the baby is older.

As I said, people put the gloss on it - babies can be a bit traumatising, so don’t think it’s all hearts and flowers if you know what I mean.

There are very good things in your life too, focus on these, book you and DH a city break if that’s your thing or a nice day out and enjoy each others company and conversation it will help you to recover from this and make you stronger.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs, everything will be ok in the end, even if it feels very overwhelming right now. Xo

Thanks everyone, you are all right it is too soon. It's just my personality making me want to go. I'm the type of person to smile through the pain, always have done.

No pressure from DH this morning so will make some breakfast and see how I feel x

@Meeting hugs take care of yourself. 🌻