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Original poster

Son is bi. Didn't tell my boyfriend.

28 replies

Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 11:40

Ds 16 has struggled with his sexuality a bit. I think he got quite upset mentally about it as well. I have always told him it does not matter. He can be who he wants to be. He does not even have to choose its not an issue. This has gone on for over a year.

Anyway ds has got friendly with a boy and they seem to be seeing each other. I came in from school run and they were sitting on each other on the sofa, holding hands. So obviously they are close.

I have been seeing my boyfriend/partner for 9 years. But I have never discussed Ds sexuality as I did not feel it was my place . But ds said it was ok to tell him. He seemed offended that everyone knew apart from him. Then he started going on about how he cant get his head round it. He just never saw it. He says he saw it in my older son who's gay. But he just can't get his head round my 16 year old being bi. Then he kept going on about he don't know half of what gos on because he does not get told anything.

The reason I did not tell him was because I did not feel it was my place. DS was also struggling himself. Partner sometimes can be insensitive and it makes me think fuck off. So i just didn't tell him.

So I feel I done the right thing by DS?

OP posts:
MandyMotherOfBrian · 06/05/2023 12:03

Does DP live with you? And do you all get on? Yes, I think you did the right thing in only telling when your DS was happy for you to do so. Otoh, I can also why your DP may feel hurt that he is kept out of things, assuming he lives with you all as a family. If he doesn’t live with you and isn’t that close to your DS then I would probably be less inclined to see his perspective. Jane you explained that your DS was unsure himself and not ready to tell anyone else but you?

Original poster
Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 12:09

MandyMotherOfBrian · 06/05/2023 12:03

Does DP live with you? And do you all get on? Yes, I think you did the right thing in only telling when your DS was happy for you to do so. Otoh, I can also why your DP may feel hurt that he is kept out of things, assuming he lives with you all as a family. If he doesn’t live with you and isn’t that close to your DS then I would probably be less inclined to see his perspective. Jane you explained that your DS was unsure himself and not ready to tell anyone else but you?

We don't live together. But he's still a big part of the family . Him and ds are not close though.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 06/05/2023 12:11

U did the right thing, not yr story to tell.

Soontobe60 · 06/05/2023 12:11

You don’t ‘choose’ your sexuality.

Original poster
Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 12:13

Soontobe60 · 06/05/2023 12:11

You don’t ‘choose’ your sexuality.

My post is not meant to cause any offence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 12:14

Skybluepinky · 06/05/2023 12:11

U did the right thing, not yr story to tell.

That's what I felt. And I want ds to feel he can trust me . And I'm not going to tell people stuff he does not want me to.

OP posts:
JuneShitfield · 06/05/2023 12:14

FWIW I think you’ve played this absolutely right. It’s up to your son who he tells and when. Your partner is being a bit weird about this.

StrugglingWeight · 06/05/2023 12:15

What's there to tell? Your son is 16, up until now he's been a child. His sexuality is not relevant to your partner

Now your son appears to have boyfriend or potential boyfriend your partner knows he fancies boys

There's nothing more to it

StrugglingWeight · 06/05/2023 12:17

Soontobe60 · 06/05/2023 12:11

You don’t ‘choose’ your sexuality.

I think it's clear that OP meant chose a label for yourself, as her son has clearly been struggling with his sexual identity and perhaps unsure.

Telling a confused teenager that they don't have to make any decisions or choices with regards to their sexuality is completely okay and does not mean you think you child is chosing to be gay/straight

Original poster
Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 12:19

StrugglingWeight · 06/05/2023 12:17

I think it's clear that OP meant chose a label for yourself, as her son has clearly been struggling with his sexual identity and perhaps unsure.

Telling a confused teenager that they don't have to make any decisions or choices with regards to their sexuality is completely okay and does not mean you think you child is chosing to be gay/straight

Show quote history

Thank you for that I did not know how to word it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 12:24

StrugglingWeight · 06/05/2023 12:15

What's there to tell? Your son is 16, up until now he's been a child. His sexuality is not relevant to your partner

Now your son appears to have boyfriend or potential boyfriend your partner knows he fancies boys

There's nothing more to it

Yes I felt that. That's partly why it's never had a proper discussion as such.

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 06/05/2023 12:36

You're right op, there wouldn't be any discussion if he was seeing girls. Hopefully your dp can stop being weird about it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/05/2023 12:42

Partner sometimes can be insensitive and it makes me think fuck off. So i just didn't tell him

Tell him to fuck off, then.

But he's still a big part of the family

Clearly not - unless being part of the family means being a prick to your children.

Him and ds are not close though.

Back to 'tell him to fuck off, then'.

Nine years and he's being a shit to and about your children.

Greenfairydust · 06/05/2023 12:46

You did the right thing. It is your son's choice whether he wants to discuss who he dates or not.

As for the boyfriend, he would be an ex-boyfriend as far as I am concerned...

His reaction was odd.

Your son chose not to speak to him about this because they are not close and he does not value his input. Meaning your partner is not step-father material and never will be...

historygeek · 06/05/2023 13:05

I think it's a shame DP has been an important part of your family for half of your DS's life and you say they don't have a close relationship. Is this the right man to be in your children's lives?

But on the issue of discussing DS's sexuality, you did exactly to right thing.

knobheeeed · 06/05/2023 13:08

Then he started going on about how he cant get his head round it. He just never saw it. He says he saw it in my older son who's gay. But he just can't get his head round my 16 year old being bi

Why is he being a dick about this? What's there to "get his head around"? DS is bi. At the moment he's with another boy. That's it.
I think you did the right thing - DS's sexuality is his business. If he wanted to tell your boyfriend he could, but it's up to him who he chooses to tell and when.

LuluTaylor · 06/05/2023 13:10

Why the hell is he feeling hurt at being left out of somebody else's private business? Totally unjustified of him. Why does it matter to him that he "didn't see it" in your son? Why wasn't his reaction a shrug and "oh ok"? Red flags for me me me, the world revolves around me, everybody should focus on me, and I deserve to know everything about everything because it's my world so it's my business. And possible homophobia, like non-heterosexuality is only ok if it's obvious - so you can steer clear of it. Would put me off TBH especially the ranting, as if you've done something wrong. Bad enough if he feels that way, without the ranting about it.

You did right by DS. Have you always been someone to question whether or not you're doing the right thing, or did you used to be more confident in your decisions before this boyfriend came along? What did you say to him in response? Was it "STFU not everything is about you, stop having a go at me when I've done nothing wrong" or similar and if not, why not? If the answer involves anything like it would have made things worse, isn't worth the hassle, easier to put up with it etc then that's a red flag for being controlled ie altering your (totally reasonable) behaviour to avoid negative consequences from him.

Original poster
Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 13:11

I just wrote a long replying regarding ds and partner. But I deleted it. Because its sensitive and I don't want to go into it to much. Yes partner can be a prick . But that does not mean its (all) down to partner. Ds has been through a really hard time mentally . And he's been violent towards me. He's getting help . And I won't write him of. Same as I won't write partner of for being a dick. I do have other children and they all get on with partner. Ds basically decided to hate on everyone but i got the brunt of it. Its not something he set out to do. But its all link with mental health. But he's getting help. He is doing much better and him and partner are getting on better now. Although I doubt they will ever be close .

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotmyplace · 06/05/2023 13:24

LuluTaylor · 06/05/2023 13:10

Why the hell is he feeling hurt at being left out of somebody else's private business? Totally unjustified of him. Why does it matter to him that he "didn't see it" in your son? Why wasn't his reaction a shrug and "oh ok"? Red flags for me me me, the world revolves around me, everybody should focus on me, and I deserve to know everything about everything because it's my world so it's my business. And possible homophobia, like non-heterosexuality is only ok if it's obvious - so you can steer clear of it. Would put me off TBH especially the ranting, as if you've done something wrong. Bad enough if he feels that way, without the ranting about it.

You did right by DS. Have you always been someone to question whether or not you're doing the right thing, or did you used to be more confident in your decisions before this boyfriend came along? What did you say to him in response? Was it "STFU not everything is about you, stop having a go at me when I've done nothing wrong" or similar and if not, why not? If the answer involves anything like it would have made things worse, isn't worth the hassle, easier to put up with it etc then that's a red flag for being controlled ie altering your (totally reasonable) behaviour to avoid negative consequences from him.

I just told him I never told him because its not a thing.

But on my part as well I could not be arsed to explain . Partner can be a bit black and white . Ds has never been 100% on his sexuality and he does not have to be. So ds has said he's bi which is why i used that word. But in a years time he may say he's gay. Or he may say he's heterosexual. Then its like Partner won't get it then I hwvecto try and explain something that serns simple . I'm not wording it well sorry

OP posts:
Surplus2requirements · 06/05/2023 13:34

I'm not sure what your partner thought he should have 'seen'.

That strongly suggests homophobia and making about him not being told also suggests he sees your son being bi as a problem.

I think you did right by your son and need to have some serious conversations with your partner

doctorfester · 06/05/2023 13:40

This is a tricky one.

It's your son's business and he has a right to privacy etc.

Your partner obviously feels that, despite being together nine years, you are keeping secrets from him.

Perhaps you and your partner need to have a conversation about the fact that your sons sexuality isn't a big deal, but equally discuss how you would both feel if the tables were turned and you "perceived" things were hidden from you.

SteakExpectations · 06/05/2023 14:08

I don’t really see how your son’s sexuality is something your DP needs to know about. Who DS is attracted to has no bearing on anything and should be a non event.

My son, same age, is bi, and it hasn’t changed anything about our relationship or how I regard him - I don’t see why your DP is getting his knickers in a twist over this!

eyesfullofstars · 06/05/2023 14:19

If your son was heterosexual would your partner feel like you’d kept a secret from him if you had never explicitly told him this? I’m guessing not. This feels more like he has an issue with your son being bi than anything else.

thekindlyone · 06/05/2023 16:13

Your DS's sexuality is the business of your DS and whoever he needs to tell, your partner needs to grow up. And what does he mean he didn't see it? Bisexuality isn't something you can see?

WheelsUp · 06/05/2023 16:26

You did the right thing imo.

Your partner's reaction is strange- I assume that he's homophobic.

There is nothing to get his head round here. If you'd said that you were bisexual then that's his business but your son doesn't even get along with him so why would he confide in your partner ? The comment about not being surprised that ds1 is gay but not predicting that ds2 is bi is bizarre.