So furious with my ex husband.

[Gettingbysomehow]

Divorced when DS was 5 due to ex's abusive behaviour he was denied any access to him by the court as he was considered a danger to DS. All well and good. He was a professional pilot and was ordered to pay CMS to DS. He decided to ditch his job and go abroad to avoid this and bummed around the world earning nothing for the next 20 years while I worked hard to bring up DS on my own.
DS and I have a great relationship and I was dismayed to hear he had contacted his "father" and was seeing him regularly. DS is 40 now and an adult with his own home and partner but still ex husband has managed to upset him again and again with his flaky behaviour.
His 40th birthday we had a lovely day. Nice presents, went out for lunch and then a parcel from ex husband arrived. It contains three mangy second hand CDs not even in cases of music's from the 50s. Just chucked into an envelope with a note saying I can't afford to loose these please return when you have watched them!!!! No card or birthday wishes.
DS hates musicals and the CDs have scratches all over them. It just caused the atmosphere of the day to plummet. DS said I thought dad would ring and of course no phone call.
Do you think the courts would let me off if I ran ex over with a large truck? I just needed to vent. After all these years ex is still damaging my normally happy family with his selfish shit.

Your son is an adult now and he's responsible for creating his own boundaries with his father. Don't let this interfere with your relationship with your son. It's hard I know, but it's really none of your business.

I largely agree with this OP. Perhaps at last your son will see his male parent for what he really is and go NC with him to avoid his own children (unsure if your son has any) to suffer in the same way you two have.

I perfectly understand you wanting to run him over with a ten ton truck though! Or maybe he can be consumed by a large and slimy sinkhole... 🌹

I'm sorry for you and your DS. Your ex sounds absolutely shit. Ultimately, it's for your DS to sort out his relationship with his (poor excuse for a) dad.

Have you spoken with your DS about what he wants from the relationship in the future? I think sometimes for children who had shit parents growing up, there is just a strong desire to still hold on to the hope that one day they will have the relationship they always dreamed up with their shit parent.

But at a point in life, you do often start to realise that it's never going to happen and it's more damage than it's worth. Would you DS consider going NC and having nothing more to do with him?

My relationship with my mum was different in the sense that she did raise me and we were very close until she hit a point where she went off the rails in an abusive relationship and became a very different person. But the effect was similar: every time she got back in touch (after months of avoidance) the things she would say and do would be so hurtful and insensitive and it would bring up so much painful stuff for me all over again. After years of this, also in my early 40s, I just decided that enough was enough and I had to put myself and my own needs first. I asked her to never contact me again (and she has largely respected that). It's sad that it had to come to that. But a child can't make a bad parent into a good one and as much as I loved her, I love myself and my own children more and I won't put any of us through that anymore. It's made such a difference to my quality of life. I feel so much more at peace now.

Tell your son that a few times.

Then every time he talks about his father make neutral sounds and change the subject.

Sinkhole would be good!!! I never interfere as DS is an adult now and just keep poker faced but all I can see in my heart is my little 5 year old boy asking why dad didn't send him anything for Christmas or his birthday. It breaks my heart.

Good on you OP.

It isn't your job to unpick his emotional baggage about that man as you have your own. If your DS indicates he wants help direct him to his partner, his peers or a counselor. There are plenty of people around with shit parents.

Gee, I thought this was going to be a whinge that after years of no parenting your ex had suddenly come over all male bonding / dads and lads and your son was lapping it up, and you were feeling a bit resentful - but arrgh, it's a same-old -shit story. I get what you mean about the sad little boy inside, but he really he is a grown man, so perhaps you can have a laugh about it - see? I told you he was a prick! And look back with happiness at the majority of the 40 years that didn't have him in it.

Surely he’s realised by now the kind of person his dad is?
He’s an adult now. He knows and can choose whether or not he tolerates it

This really is so sad but your son is the one letting him in. If he stops allowing contact these angry feelings subside sooner and eventually for good.

Yes, no problem for you to run him over without consequence! He deserves it. You sound a brilliant Mum. It's horrible to watch your child go through this, whether they are 5 or 40.

What an utter bellend. Smear them in dog shit and post them back

So tempted lake titicaca 😂

Does your ex have mental health issues? I'm not excusing his behaviour but to send scratched second cd's as a birthday present and then expect them to be sent back is utterly bizarre.

I would snap them and send them back with a £1 coin in the envelope to cover their value given he can't afford to lose them.

I agree with the pp mind, he sounds mentally ill. Did he hit his head when he was a pilot, Goose style?*

*RIP Goose

@Gettingbysomehow your son is still hoping his Daddy will love him and treat him like a beloved son one day. He's doing the 'pick me' dance.

It won't ever happen. He'll get disappointment after disappointment and you'll have to watch it all happen.

You can't do anything and I know you'll be thinking "I told you so!" but he is learning the hard way that not every man is a father.

i would like DS to go NC with him and I don't know why he doesn't, he's disapointed him time and again.
He obviously does have mental health problems and is possibly autistic but has always refused to believe there is anything wrong with him and will not get help so there has never been a diagnosis. Back when he did his pilot's training he was able to superficially behave normally and in those days they didn't really dig deep into peoples psychological problems like they do now.
Quite honestly when he was a pilot he scared the shit out of me - he was commercial not passenger line - because he'd have horrific mood swings where he would take his hands off the wheel of the car and say I'm going to let the car crash and we'll all die.
If he hadn't left (or as I suspected was sacked) he could easily have bought a plane down.

So you want to control what your 40 years old son does. Madness.