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Original poster

12 year old son having issues with “mean girls”

31 replies

Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:02

My son is in year 8, but very young in the year, and a “young” kid - only just starting puberty, small and slim, academic and a bit nerdy etc.
He started a new school this year as we moved from Aus and he has had real issues with the girls in his year, basically meangirling him - moving away when he sits down, telling him “you can’t sit here”, groaning when he’s put in their group etc. It seems to stem from a couple of main girls who the others then follow
Because he’s new, he doesn’t have the backup of a group of established friends. The head of year has said that a couple of teachers have mentioned it going on, and I’ve spoken to the HOY about it and how he doesn’t want to do anything to make it worse etc.
So I feel like school are on board, but any suggestions as to how he can handle this? He’s never had it before, never come across anything like this behaviour, he’s always had a great group of friends. He has some friends at school but basically it’s also stopping the boys being friendly to him because they don’t want to incur the wrath of the mean girls. It’s a small year, only about 40 kids. I’ve said to ignore the girls, when they’re outright mean to practice his “wtf are you doing” face, and not to retaliate in any way (he wouldn’t do anything anyway, they’re all taller and bigger than him and he’s just not like that).
This is new to both of us - I’ve never come across awful girls like this before.

OP posts:
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 05/05/2023 09:08

My first thought is that the school have made the right noises but need to take action. That is outright bullying and those girls should be separated, have privileges removed, etc. Parents called in. Assemblies about bullying, etc.

I get that your son doesn't want to make it worse, but I think it needs to be clamped down on quickly and firmly, not allowed to gain power. I have no direct experience of this though, and I hope that your son gets help to stop this situation quickly.

Original poster
Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:10

I’m hoping that now we’ve spoken to the school and said how bad it is, that teachers will go from “noticing” to actively doing something about it. Now they know this is happening across lessons rather than just one of silliness.

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 09:11

Give him a series of responses.

‘Yeah well I don’t want to sit next to you but I’m stuck aren’t it’
’You think I want to sit next to you with that face?’
’I’m not happy either so that makes two of us’

He has to say it in a cool detached way, and not respond if they say anything further. Just act like he couldn’t give a shit.

Fight fire with fire with a bit of 90s parenting.

Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 09:11

*aren’t I

Original poster
Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:13

Yes! I’ve tried to tell him the whole “show you don’t care” thing and even that if they’re mean he doesn’t have to “be kind” but he says that people always believe girls over boys so he can’t say anything as then he’ll be the one to get into trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:14

But I actually like the idea of having some practiced responses.

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 09:14

Well - let him get into a little trouble then! And when the teacher tells him off he must smirk, hands in pockets, looking nonchalant. Tell him you’ll make the right noises if the school tells him off but will secretly support him.
All a bit of an act but they won’t know that. He needs to show that kids can try all they want, they can’t get to him and he isn’t a soft target.

Can you tell I was told to thump my bullies it worked

Original poster
Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:15

It’s funny, as a mum, I was so concerned about how boys treat girls and have laid it on about how you have to be nice, all the right stuff, and then it’s come back to bite him as it’s the girls who are horrible!

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 09:15

just to clarify that is NOT me suggesting he thumps them, just that a bit of like for like is usually the most effective policy

Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 09:16

Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:15

It’s funny, as a mum, I was so concerned about how boys treat girls and have laid it on about how you have to be nice, all the right stuff, and then it’s come back to bite him as it’s the girls who are horrible!

I agree. Boys being labelled perverts for offhand comments, or bullied by girls because ‘he can’t say anything back to me’. Outrageous!

OrchidsBlooming · 05/05/2023 09:18

Hmm, 40 kids in a year with a gang of mean girls. Brutally that sounds challenging to fix. I'd be expecting the teachers to call the girls in, as well as their parents and clamp down each and every time. A year group that small, a couple of teachers who've already noticed and flagged it - then there's no reason for not doing this. I'm willing to bet that in this set up, your DS isn't the only kid to have suffered this; hence once a new victim is picked, there is little support. With only 40 kids, there is nowhere to hide.

I think you need to push the school to be proactive on this. There's a danger they will say the right things and maybe watch out more for DS in class, but then what happens? If he gets moved to sit elsewhere, they win. It's just a bandage.

user1492757084 · 05/05/2023 09:24

Yes, coffeeandbourbons, the girls will soon move on to other things. Show that they don't upset him.
In the back ground support him because he will be very upset.
Girls at that age are at their meanest and they are developmentally way ahead of many boys in their class.
The meanest will turn out to be the biggest losers.

Support your son to participate in a team sport or some other group hobby, where he will make some new friends.

Do you know the parents of the mean girls?
Even if you make friends enough to have coffee with them their kids will have extra reason to not see your son as a total outsider.

The school should be alert to train the class to focus attention on other rivetting activities and should also deal directly with any bullying pronto.

JoJen · 05/05/2023 09:30

Push the school on this. Ask HOY for regular updates and generally be (a polite) thorn in their side until they take some action.

13 year old girls can be monsters if not checked. They use psychological warfare and will be able to twist any response from him to their advantage. This needs adult intervention.

I would be wary of advising your lovely boy to become someone he is not. Wrong message.

Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 09:34

@JoJen teens don’t play by adult rules. And adults don’t have a HOY to report to, so for low level bullying like this, it’s best to at least try to let them deal with it themselves. It’s a valuable life lesson, it won’t ‘turn him into someone he isn’t’ it will set the tone for the rest of his school days that he isn’t a soft target.

If he really wants to go for the jugular he can say ‘Oh come I don’t want to sit next to her. She smells’ 😬 it’ll be the girl’s worst nightmare and show her what it’s like to be picked on. I’m willing to bet £20 she wouldn’t say another word to him after that…

Zuyi · 05/05/2023 09:34

If he possibly can, he should laugh and treat it as a joke. He should try flinching away from them, sitting on the furthest edge if his chair, make a ridiculous face, in a good humoured way. If he can. It takes a bit of confidence to pull it off.

OrchidsBlooming · 05/05/2023 09:36

Just an extra thought about such a small school year group. Is he doing a lot of outside school activities? If not I'd really push hard on this, get him to find friendships elsewhere. It doesn't solve the school problem but helps provide a respite

Davestwattymissus · 05/05/2023 09:38

Don't suppose he has an older sibling that could help? Something very similar happened to my DB when he was in the first year of high school...I cornered the culprit off school grounds at lunchtime and told her I'd make her life a living hell if she didn't leave him alone. It worked.

Original poster
Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:56

So the first and second years do lots of activities together and he has made lots of friends in the year below. He also does sport out of school and has some friends there. We don’t have much time for other activities as their school day doesn’t finish until 5. He’s never struggled with friendships before but he’s never had experience with girls who are mean on purpose. At his old school there were popular pretty girls but their “thing” was how they were nice to everyone!

Im going to take your advice and keep on at the school over this. I genuinely don’t understand why on earth girls would do this? Why would you think it was good to pick on the new boy? Like, what’s the point?

The other thing is, although he isn’t a “cool” kid, he isn’t a dweeb - he was on the debate team before and he can stand up for himself against boys easily if needed, but when it comes to girls, I think he really struggles with the manipulative mean behaviour that you don’t tend to see from boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ozgirl75 · 05/05/2023 09:58

No older sibling sadly and I don’t know any parents either. He’s only been at the school since the start of last term and he makes his own way there and home so I just haven’t got to know anyone. Plus I don’t think I would feel comfortable approaching parents.

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 10:07

I genuinely don’t understand why on earth girls would do this? Why would you think it was good to pick on the new boy? Like, what’s the point?

I was a nasty little bully to some girls at school (single sex school). Why? Because I thought it was funny. Genuinely. It was vile - I look back and feel really ashamed. In the spirit of karma I bumped into one of the girls I was mean to a few years after leaving school, who probably took great delight (although she didn’t show it) in telling me she was now at Cambridge. I was an admin assistant. So I’m sure your son will get the last laugh one day!

JoJen · 05/05/2023 10:10

Have you looked at the school's bullying policy? It may help to know it when talking to the school.

girlfriend44 · 05/05/2023 10:16

Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 09:34

@JoJen teens don’t play by adult rules. And adults don’t have a HOY to report to, so for low level bullying like this, it’s best to at least try to let them deal with it themselves. It’s a valuable life lesson, it won’t ‘turn him into someone he isn’t’ it will set the tone for the rest of his school days that he isn’t a soft target.

If he really wants to go for the jugular he can say ‘Oh come I don’t want to sit next to her. She smells’ 😬 it’ll be the girl’s worst nightmare and show her what it’s like to be picked on. I’m willing to bet £20 she wouldn’t say another word to him after that…

This, or the other post saying about banter.

You can sort it yourself, best way.

Angebot · 05/05/2023 10:39

I took my daughter out of her secondary school for this reason. It was relentless. She's loving her new
school but we r working on the same type of girl bullies. She has an attitude now though and is becoming quick witted. I've also told her to hot back but not to throw the first punch . I hate that I have to teach her resilience and to be what she's not as she's a kind little girl. My daughter just needed that one friend who had her back and she has that now. Kids are so cruel

GretaGood · 05/05/2023 10:46

We’ll surely the teachers who know this is going on shouldn’t make him sit with the girls - if the girls are pushing him to sit with them the teacher can put him elsewhere !!

JoJen · 15/05/2023 15:55

I know this thread has run its course, but I was wondering how the OP and son were doing. Also, I am reading Stella O'Malley 'What your teen is trying to tell you'. The sections on friendship and peers made me remember this post. I recommend it.