Counselling the second time around not the same as the first time. What to do?

[Fightingitoff]

I originally went to counselling for about four years. Really nice woman, was so helpful and really cared. I liked the way she rarely told me any of her own conclusions as to what was going on with me or how I felt. She just asked the right questions and let me talk it through myself until I realised all my life patterns myself. The only reason I left a few years ago was because I felt I'd said all there was to say and it had to end at some point.

A few months ago I started again, with the same person, because some more stuff has been going on in my life. She already knew my history and background from last time, and I liked her so it made sense. But for some reason this time around I'm not quite feeling it? This time she's been a bit more forthright about what she thinks of my situation, or should I say, what she thinks I'm feeling. So for example, "you did x because you felt lonely, and it doesn't help because it makes you feel worse" etc. I don't know if she's supposed to say stuff like this, but at the same time I realise therapists are human and can't help giving their opinion at some point. But I just felt a bit uncomfortable about what she'd said.

It's not like I expected it to be life changing this time around or anything, but I'm just not sure if I feel happy or comfortable with the situation like I always did in the past? Maybe I'm not as comfortable as I thought. I don't know what to do.

Bump

Discuss it with your counsellor. But have a think first, are you just not liking when she is saying the truth? What she said wasn’t unreasonable. But if you’re not happy then see someone else.

I've had a similar situation — going back to see a therapist after a long gap, and it seeming different somehow, except for me I couldn't really put my finger on what the difference was. Luckily for me, that feeling didn't last long, but you said it's been a few months now and you don't feel you've settled back into a comfortable relationship and way of interacting?

I guess it would be surprising if it were identical. You and your circumstances have changed in the interim, she and her circumstances have also changed, probably both personally and professionally. The topic is different, maybe the setting, maybe the appointment day/time. Your expectations are different this time, too — you're going in with memories of things having been a certain way, which your brain will inevitably have edited to some extent, and maybe hopes for how the sessions may help based on those selected memories. You may be presenting differently in session to how you used to, which is leading her to take a different approach, or she might have done some training and tweaked the way she works. Or it could be something else altogether.

I'd echo @Iminthemoneylife and suggest talking with her about your perception that she's approaching these sessions differently to how she worked with you in the past, and find out if this is something she's aware of doing differently, and maybe a discussion about how that's working for you. It might be something like the counsellor thinking that you're strong enough and you know each other well enough that she can deliberately introduce some more discomfort, with an aim in mind? Or maybe not. I suppose you can't really know unless you talk about it with her.

I guess it's useful though to have a reaction to that statement. Her saying that you felt lonely provoked a reaction in you. Now you get to sit with that for a while. Is there truth in that? If not, what is the truth?
I think I understand the feeling though. My last therapist told me I should get assessed for ADHD and I shut her right down. Even if I had it, I'd be very borderline, what good would a dx do me at this point in my life. I need help dealing with my parents projections, avoidance, silent treatments and scapegoating. I can get there with or without a dx which might engender a kind of victim status in me? something I really want no part of. A lot of things did go wrong in my life, bad choices but also, not being capable... But I am not sure I want to hang it all on one handy peg believing none of it was my ''fault'' because of ADHD. The past is the past and I'm better at setting goals now, less self-sabotaging, kinder to myself. But being told ''maybe you have ADHD'' made me figure all that out, how I feel about my failures to succeed!

ps, i'm having a second run at therapy too, after a gap, I'm seeing a different one though. I think the fist time I went I had the expectation deep down that my parents would finally understand that they hurt me. But that never happened. I got stuck in the injustice and just couldn't move past it. I felt like I did go a bit crazy with the injustice of how they behaved while blaming me for the estrangement. It was unresolvable and that drove me mad.

This second time, the therapist knows that my goal is to accept that they are defensive, cannot connect, cannot take accountability. I feel like Im in a different place than I was three years ago. Well, I feel like I have to move to a different place. This time I need to accept things. I went in to my therapy the last time needing to change things. So the passing of time does make the agenda different I think. And a good therapist should help you from getting stuck never progressing!

I'm just wondering if you have shame around being lonely. That would be entirely normal. I would feel some shame admitting to my therapist that nobody is in my corner. That not one single person came forward to draw me back in, let me know that I could defend myself without deserving a silent treatment. That was shameful but I think being honest helps you move through it all.

She shouldn’t really be making such definitive pronouncements in that way. It doesn’t help even if she is right. Gentle suggestions and questioning if she thinks there is some particular point to explore but it sounds like she is somewhat impatient.

Maybe this is professional compassion fatigue, something going on in her own life, or perhaps she feels invested in your development and is expressing it impatiently. Whatever it is it doesn’t sound helpful.

It is usually advised to discuss with the therapist but in reality people many people are defensive even when they shouldn’t be so once these things are discussed, especially when it comes to professional judgement, things are never quite the same afterwards. It’s a shame but it’s probably simpler to try with someone else.