How to deal with shouty 7 year old Dd

[MiniStormInATeacup]

Hello

I'm after a bit of advice. My dghtr is 7 NT bright and can be the loveliest girl ever (like all children) She does well at school lots of outside activities etc.

But. The last 6-8 weeks she has got very shouty. If I ask her to get dressed big shouty fit. Changed for a club we attend shouty fit. Ask her to set the table. You guessed it shouty fit. She will get very cross, if it's getting dressed for example she will say she knows and is just about to do it (she isn't or wasnt) getting dresses for school is a massive trigger - if I remind her to brush her teeth - shouting.

I'm trying to keep calm and not shout back - hard in the morning when we need to leave by a set time. I've explained at quieter times we don't shout like that as a family. Explained I'm asking nicely and politely so I don't expect to get shouted at.

She gets incredibly angry to the point I cannot reason with her. She will shout horrible things about me and her dad (she hates us, wishes we weren't her parents type of thing) when she calms down she's very sorry but can't seem to stop.

I've explained that this is making me and dad feel sad because it's not nice to be shouted at continuously and have horrible things said.

Last night she shouted when asked to get ready for swimming lessons and I just said I wouldn't take her. There was a lot of tears anger and pleading and I stuck to it. But what else can we do to help her manage this stage?

Patience.

Not going swimming may have helped. Learning that shouting has consequences.

Reduce the challenges.(confrontation) or challenge her to beat the clock. Phrase things differently. Eg give options, socks on first or shirt on first? Praise her for being really good at getting dressed. (Through gritted teeth if necessary) sympathise that it's hard. Race her.

you have to find what works for her.

We had this too. I used Jo Frost’s approach and it’s worked really well. That’s basically - it’s not an acceptable way of speaking to
me, a warning and then an appropriate length of time out if it happens again. Thereafter a reiteration of why they’re in time out and insistence on an apology.

Alongside, I’ve also pointed out that there’s no need to shout, no one else is doing it and that I can’t actually understand/hear what’s being said if it’s shouted. You also have to breathe deep and make sure you don’t shout as well - easier said than done, I know.

All the above. I've got a shouty one as well 🙄

You're probably doing all this already but:

Keep the emotion out of it all. Stay calm and matter of fact.
Explain ONCE and tell her it's going to be once. After that there is a quiet knowledge that there'll be quiet consequences.
When she thaws out be happy as well, don't allow sulking on either side.
Try and keep things fun and easy to start with - make enough allowances to what you're asking for to keep both of you happy.
When shes been good tell someone else about it within her ear shot. She will be proud.

Whisper to her. In a lowish tone, slowly. Be matter of fact, neutral, emotionless.

"You're shouting again. Please can you brush your teeth, we are leaving in 5 minutes."

Don't engage, don't be cheerful or reproachful. You might find a very - or overly - calm response brings her down again.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Some food for thought and things to try.

I'm really trying to remain calm which is easier said than done and not to shout back again easier said than done. I know if I react in a similar manner it will encourage her.

She also seems to get so cross and bad tempered that we cannot have reasonable conversation because literally everytime i open my mouth to say something she screams at me.

Because she is my only child I can feel very alone and isolated because I have nothing to compare this to. I'm also not distracted by other children - I am solely focused on her which isn't always for the best!