Living with a partner with long term depression

[Scramblinghealingdreaming]

Hi, I was just wondering if anybody else is living with a partner who has long term depression? I am desperate for some support. I try to help him but he is dragging me down with him - this has gone on for decades and we have children.
I have reached out to so many support services - doctors, therapists etc - but nothing ever helps.

Is it because he won’t engage with services?

I became severely depressed after my child died, I could barely eat, sleep or speak for a number of months and was diagnosed with complex PTSD and anxiety and depression. I fully co operated with services even though I didn’t want to initially. DH gave me what I suppose some would call tough love. I will never be quite the same but I do voluntary work, belong to two hobby groups and we can go out to dinner with friends and things like that.

My friend has a partner who has been depressed for 20 years and he will not engage with services at all. It is no life for her plus she carries the financial burden.

I am sure if I had written on MN at the time that DH said he would leave me if I wouldn’t engage after our child died it would have been deemed harsh but it was the right thing to do because with depression you are literally not in your right mind.

So, I am the partner with long term depression. We went through a really rough patch because I couldn't see how depressed I had become, and on reflection my partner felt he would be pointing out the obvious. I just couldn't see it. I wasn't washing, brushing my hair, going out, anything. I didn't know I was depressed and I've never been that way before, it was really weird but I just couldn't see it. All my energy was just sucked up into staying alive all day. It would have helped me if he would have sat me down and said he was worried about me and he thought I needed to X. But I had to come to that realisation by myself in the end. I'm on medication etc now and I actively work to maintain my mental health (the gym, a good diet etc). In my opinion it's fair enough to leave someone if they won't do what's needed to address their mental health. As long as you've pointed it out to them. I was kind of angry when the fog lifted and I realised he had just watched me spiral and not tried to do anything. Not that it was his fault, I just felt that he could see it where I couldn't and maybe I wouldn't have suffered for so long if he had said something to tell me what I needed to do.

I have had periods of depression, and my partner held on to his life and refused to go down with me. He reminded me that he and I are not fused together, that life continues regardless of the pit I am in. That may sound harsh but he brought reality back into my life when I was stuck in a stagnant place and I think he may have protected my children a little while their mum was unable to function properly. When I look back on that time I realise that I lost touch and he stayed grounded. I would have understood if he needed to leave me, I was a bloody nightmare to be around, but he didn't. He used to give me venting moments over coffee but wouldn't listen for hours of my misery, he took the kids outside in the garden while I sat in the dark inside. He was great actually, it is hard for me to explain this to other people but he did more for me than anyone. I had therapy to take my most difficult shit and he helped me understand that life continues.

Yes and it is a struggle. He only really talks about it on a need to know basis so I try to quietly support in my own way in the background and don't pry. This probably isn't helpful. But you are right about it dragging you down.

This morning we heard terrible screams from upstairs. DC8 was terrified and I thought he must be having a heart attack or something. We rushed to him - more howls. Turns out he had forgotten an appointment. Now it feels as if I'm in a position where if I point out how disproportionate and frightening his behaviour was - DC was shaking and had to be calmed down, thinking his dad was seriously hurt - I will be the bad guy for not understanding the pressure he is under.

The screaming is a rare occurrence but with to do it with DC around is new and I'm so upset and angry. It feels like it needs addressing but just not sure how without making it all worse (or all about me rather than him, the usual shut down I get).

His behaviour impacts the whole family unfairly but I don't think he can see that.

That sounds really hard. You need to be the voice of reason for your children. I would talk about that with everyone in the room, 'Daddy, your yelling this morning was scary and we didn't know what was wrong with you' that type of thing. Mental illness is a step away from what is happening in reality and your impact on other people, I believe it would help him to understand he is impacting you all. Although granted it would be difficult to hear.

I know it can be a bit of an echo chamber on MN, but I see this a lot - a woman will talk about her depression, reference the support her husband gave her in terms of stepping up but also sometimes the tough love etc and the work she has done to fix the problem, the guilt she felt at letting her family down etc.

Another woman comes on here and her depressed husband is sitting in his underpants all day, refusing to engage with anyone, often somehow still manages to do lots of hobbies (for his mental health) and has a strong sense of entitlement to endless support - emotional, practical, financial.

it's bollocks.

In real life, my brother has suffered with depression for years. His response is more like the women on MN - he spends a disproportionate amount of time feeling guilty, attempting everything he can to make things better, "faking it till you make it" etc. Most likely, men with that sort of depression aren't the ones being talked about on MN. But it does get tiring on here.

OP I don't know what is happening in your life, and I 100% think that we should be supporting our partners health issues, whether that's mental health or physical health. But it IS a two way street. he needs to be seeking help, doing the work etc. Just like someone who's had an operation and needs to recover would do.

Does he take appropriate needs and other treatments available op? Ime there is a line between depression and being a twat.
Exh claimed one but acted another..
Yabu to accept this for your dc if it is just you seeking solutions..

Thanks for your thoughtful reply coffee and apologies for hijacking your thread OP, yesterday I was still a bit in shock and basically about to start the same thread.

Coincidentally a similar thread was revived overnight which I contributed to over Christmas (NC) and I had completely forgotten about the episode described. Pushed it down deep and forgotten about it. Like you OP I am struggling to see what kind of help would make a more positive change for him.

Does he take medication? My DH has suffered from depression for years but it's managed really well with antidepressants. He's actually very happy and upbeat most of the time time. He's thriving iin his career and very active in family life.

just wondered how you are getting on OP?

over a year and my dp is probably worse and not functioning at all really after sudden dramatic psychosis / severe depression / anxiety - the man I met and fell in love with has just gone

juat not sure I can keep on - it feels like this is him for ever ! We don’t have children , so that’s one positive in it all I guess (