Wedding anniversary - what do I say?

[hellosunshine888]

Our legal wedding anniversary was a few days ago. Our ceremonial one is today.

I am travelling so we are not together today.

We both did not say anything to each other about and no reminder about our legal wedding anniversary.

From past experience he doesn't really seem to care about out our wedding anniversary, even big milestone ones. That makes me sad and I have expressed this to him before.

Will I say something today to DH? If so what? 'Happy wedding anniversary'? I feel almost awkward saying that. Is there something else I can say as we are a bit frustrated with each other at the moment, and clearly it will have to come from me (he's been up already for hours in different timezone, and I expect it hasn't even crossed his mind what day it is today).

Serious question (am expecting some posters to say divorce or LTB or why are you together if he doesn't care about your wedding anniversary etc. so I'll ignore those)

Depends what it is you really want to say to him IMO. If you are genuinely otherwise happy in the relationship and this forgetting of anniversaries is a minor gripe (and TBH for many many people anniversaries and other 'event' days like valentines day or mothers day are totally unimportant particularity if you are away (and it's not like you've sent him something lovely and he's failed to respond, you haven't said or done anything either TBF), I'd just say something light-hearted, maybe via text something like 'Happy Anniversary DH! Looking forward to celebrating when I am back, hope you've booked the restaurant/got the flowers delivered/gotten me a funny card (my turn to organise next year!)'. Then when you get back get your DH to set a calendar reminder on his phone to remember to at least send you a message or something.

If it's actually something you want to properly seriously address I'd try and speak on the phone rather than text and say something like 'Happy Anniversary DH. I'm really disappointed and sad that even after our conversation last year you have forgotten to even acknowledge our wedding anniversary, which you know is really important to me. I know it's not a big deal to you but when you don't even mention it, it makes me feel [sad/unloved/insert appropriate feeling of choice]. Next year I would appreciate you marking the occasion in some way. We can talk about this more when I get home'. Then have a proper sit-down summit with him about it - it's a bit cheesey/cringey but DH and I have found the book/concept 'love languages' actually quite helpful, all it is is a dressed up way of explaining that different people express love differently and have different expectations of how love will be expressed to them, for some people it's all about physical affection, for other people words are more important, some people care more about marking special occasions and gifts/tokens etc whereas for others doing small 'acts of service' is important etc etc. The point really is that even if the other's person's 'language' isn't your 'first language'/natural preference sometimes you have to make the effort to make a relationship work. But equally if your partner shows their love for you in different ways, the fact they don't always do exactly what you would (e.g. by making a big deal of an anniversary) doesn't mean they don't love or care about you. It's all about being honest and compromising, e.g. there's no point passively seething and expecting your partner to guess what you want esp re special occasions. If all you want is a quick text or acknowledgement then say so, if actually you want a card with some heartfelt words or in fact you want a full shebang with 1000 red roses a string quartet playing and a plane spelling out your name overheard then you need to make that clear (it can feel awkward or 'demanding' but it's no good saying things 'I just want a normal anniversary/a nice day' and expecting him to guess what you mean).

You say 'big milestone ones' so I'm assuming you've been married a while? Has he literally never bothered?

If you feel awkward saying 'happy anniversary' (although that is not in itself an awkward thing to say on the anniversary - can you explain the awkwardness?) then how about texting him a picture from your wedding captioned 'XX years today! How time flies!' or something else lighthearted but showing you remember and care. You say you are a bit frustrated with each other so I wouldn't do anything that could be interpreted as passive aggressive, or that you are having a go at him for forgetting or not saying anything, just more of a nudge to 'happier times'?

Thank you both for taking time to respond.

I think the awkwardness is because we both have acknowledged that we are a bit frustrated with each other at the moment. So it's not really 'happy'.

The photo is a good idea, and as indeed, for him to be able to interpret any message as passive aggressive is not necessary and not a route I wish to take. However, maybe then I should add happy anniversary to it as well as maybe he finds it odd that I would send a message but not explicitly acknowledge...

I did try to call a little while back but I know he's still at work so probably not a good time.

I think it's just the acknowledgement I'd love to hear.... just completely ignoring makes me feel sad and hurt. Will have a chat with him when we are back. Maybe we could say that we will do something next year like going to a nice restaurant, and so I can then raise it next year (not unlikely that he'll then just forget about it).

I have heard about the book before... maybe should go on the list of books to read.

Thank you both so much.