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Miscarriages - unsupportive DH

11 replies

Carriethedean · 01/05/2023 09:25

(Not a new account just got logged out of old one 🙄)

People I need you help to if I'm being unreasonable and over emotional. I had a 16 week miscarriage 2 years ago. My DH was semi supportive. Took the day off work while I delivered the baby and was sensitive in buying me a gift to remember baby etc. No really emotional support but I knew men aren't good at that.

Then I had my second miscarriage at 9 weeks. When I told him he said 'oh well it least it was early' and that was the end of it. No checking on me emotionally or physically and I had to take myself to the hospital for a scan to check it has all passed. He didn't even ask how the appointment went and I still had to look after our son.

Third miscarriage at 9 weeks and I was greeted with a similar response to the second one. He actually said 'I don't know why you're so upset. It's not as if it's a proper baby' 😡

By the 4th and 5th miscarriage I didn't even tell him as wasn't worth upsetting me more with his response.

Fast forward, and a guy at his work and his girlfriend tested positive for a pregnancy after a missed period. Two days later she took a test and found it was negative. Went for a scan and was told it may have been a chemical pregnancy or a false positive. My DH has given him two weeks off to grieve for the baby they've lost (he actually used the word baby even though he told me at 9 weeks it wasn't a baby). He has sent them flowers, and messaged them to say if they ever need to talk he's there for them. It has seriously pi**ed me off (not because they're loss is less than mine but because of the difference of how he's responded). I challenged DH and he said, 'I am really sad for them. They've lost their first baby. At least you've got a kid. It's completely different for you.'

Am I right to want to pack my bags and leave the heartless git?!!

OP posts:
Dwightlovesmichael · 01/05/2023 09:46

I’m so sorry for your losses.

Mine was the same. He gave less of a shit than yours the first time. Didn’t see what the big deal was. Even when I almost died at home passing the baby, being taken to hospital in an ambulance, fitting, haemorrhaging and then unconscious, he expected me to get back to normal the next day. I didn’t even get to grieve as he wouldn’t go to the monthly ceremony the chaplain did where they scattered the ashes in the hospital garden. He said “ugh, we don’t have go to that, do we?” so I didn’t. And I have so much regret.

When we did has a child, he was the shittiest father ever.

He was also so lovely to everyone else. Couldn’t do enough for other people. Even acted the same way as yours when a woman at work had a miscarriage! So much concern for her when I just got contempt.

Leave and find someone with an ounce of compassion.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/05/2023 09:49

I don't blame you being angry Op, that's awful. He's taken your miscarriages so lightly I can't believe he wants another DC. I'd leave him too, who wants to live with a man who dismisses your pain and loss as if it were nothing.

Pollywoddles · 01/05/2023 09:52

Why do you keep getting pregnant by this man?

coffeeisthebest · 01/05/2023 09:57

Yep he has shown you pretty clearly what he is like there OP. I think you need to air all this with him and see what happens.

Littlegoth · 01/05/2023 10:17

This is awful and my heart breaks for you. I couldn’t have got through my miscarriages without my lovely dp. I’m so sorry he has been so unkind to you xx

Carriethedean · 01/05/2023 10:19

I'm sorry for your loss. And sorry you and a similar story with your partner. Everyone keeps telling me men deal with it in different way but it seems heartless and cold to me. 😡

OP posts:
Carriethedean · 01/05/2023 10:20

My thinking ATM. Day to day he's a lovely man. Everyone that knows him is shocked by his behaviour and keeps telling me it must be because he can't cope with it. Doesn't help me. And a poor excuse imo.

OP posts:
Dwightlovesmichael · 01/05/2023 11:03

Carriethedean · 01/05/2023 10:20

My thinking ATM. Day to day he's a lovely man. Everyone that knows him is shocked by his behaviour and keeps telling me it must be because he can't cope with it. Doesn't help me. And a poor excuse imo.

Thats what I thought too. And that what fiends fold me, that he didn’t know how to react, he was keeping it hidden to protect himself.

No. He told me very clearly when I had it out with him that he didn’t care. He wasn’t hiding feelings, it meant nothing to him. It wasn’t a baby to him. He didn’t care and thought I was over reacting.

I asked him why he cared so much about the woman at work - he said he didn’t, actually, but it made him look good to be seen to be caring. And he also knew it would get to me and hurt me.

He was so angry at me for being upset about something her saw as a non issue. Having an upset wife who couldn’t cope for a while (and was ill for a while physically), made him angry as it made his life harder.

Theres a lot of drivel that goes on around people protecting themselves or not knowing how to react.

Some people are just cunts who don’t care. They aren’t hiding feelings, their real feelings are screaming in your face.

You need to discuss this honestly with him and then make a decision on how to move on, either in the relationship or out of it.

Carriethedean · 01/05/2023 21:58

I'm really sorry. TBH I think my husband will be the same and say he just doesn't care like I do. The last time it was discussed he deny it all. I asked his straight, so what did the scan show after the 2nd miscarriage? He couldn't answer it and said I was making him look like a ba*rd. Well if the shoe fits

OP posts:
Supertayto · 01/05/2023 22:05

Oh OP. I’m so sorry for both your losses and situation. I’m generally not in the LTB camp, but this man is not being a kind partner. Perhaps he can’t cope or perhaps he’s an arsehole, only you know the answer to that, but the reality is that he isn’t supporting you when you need him to. It might be time to stop trying to have children with him and find another path. Good luck to you.

Deathraystare · 02/05/2023 09:57

Stop having sex (and Children) with such a cold fish. He has shown you his contempt.

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