Question for parents of children with autism / adhd etc

[TwoGrubbySlippers]

Can I ask for some advice on how to best deal with and discipline (?) with my sons behaviour. I have diagnosed ADHD (potentially autism, but not sure). I am sensitive to some sounds - but in the case with my son I think most people would be!

He is 12 and undiagnosed ADHD and likely autism. I am finding it increasingly hard to cope with him. Being around him is stressful and unpleasant, and I'm getting so fed up with his actions and outbursts.

He is always making shrill loud sounds and outbursts and just saying stupid inappropriate things. Nothing I say or do has sunk in to stop this behaviour. The room / car (it's always worse in the car because the sound is magnified in such a small space) could be perfectly quiet and out of no where he'll just yell out "whooooah" or make squealing noises, etc. It can be very jarring and hurt your ears if things are nice and quiet and then his loud noises just hit you.

He is always making siren sounds, talking about poo at inappropriate times (is there ever an appropriate time?) - for example my youngest DC will come up to him and ask him a question and he'll just say in a loud aggressive sounding voice "I don't know ya POO head" it's hard to come up with exact examples. The only time he is quiet is when he's playing video games. If I take them away he's running around the house, spinning on the floor, flopping in the sofa or floor etc, making loud noises, saying stupid sayings YouTubers say or repeating song lyrics or beat boxing with his mouth.

It is literally driving me insane and it's got so bad that I have to wear ear plugs in the house and sometimes go off on my own and heave a little cry. I don't drink much, and never at home but it's getting so bad that I am drinking wine in the evenings now to take the edge off the day and help relax myself.

No matter how many times I ask, no matter if I ask nicely, harshly, take away things / privileges as punishment, send him for time outs etc. nothing ever works and he's right back at it shortly after.

Please can anyone offer me some parenting advice on how to best deal with this. He's so good and polite when he's at school or outside the home. But the minute he's with us or a comfortable setting he stops masking and reverts back to himself

Please help 😓

I could have written your post too. I send him outside for short respites if I can. Going to the park is good too as it doesn't seem so bad in the open air.

He has to do this to let off steam and reduce his stress levels which build up when he's at school. I know it's irritating, but suppressing them completely can lead to anxiety and other detrimental effects.

I found sending mine outside helped, or make his room a nice place to just hang out and to let off steam there. Perhaps set up a hanging chair so he can soothe himself - providing he can be trusted not to wrench it from the ceiling that is.

Don't make him feel bad about doing these things, but let him know it's sometimes difficult for you and that he needs to give you some space for quiet.

Loop earplugs are good.

Get him some fiddle/fidget toys so that his stims might be satisfied physically rather than verbally.

They seem to grow out of it as they get older.

As others have said ive just sort of accepted it as being part of who he is, which doesnt mean its easy to deal with but seeing at as it being him rather than being a behaviour helps me to remember not to punish him because it wont help (in fact would probably make it worse).

Coping strategies for us are limited gaming time as its always worse after but unlimited tablet/tv time as the background noise is needed, he plays whilst listening. We use key phrases so he knows when he needs to quieten down a bit "inside voice" "no sirens inside" rather than a constant stream of moaning and telling him to stop because that just becomes a humming sound to him. If he is really manic we go outside. We have a small trampoline inside so he can bounce when needed. Lots of fidget toys scattered around the house. And if all else fails his room has a tent (1 man tent not a small sensory tent) so he gets sent in there with his tablet and i go in the garden for 10mins to reset myself.

My 9yr old son has autism and ADHD, he is on medication for the ADHD (Equasym XL) which does make a huge difference to his behaviour. He only takes it for school though and his behaviour is very noticeably worse when he's home from school and unmedicated. He races about the place, leaping all over the furniture and the shrieking and pointless noise making will go on from the moment he opens his eyes until he goes to bed again. I can't even excape to go and read a book in my room as he'll follow me up and start banging on about Pokemon! He is usually better when we can go out for the day or a few hours and he can run about and play and climb things, sadly I've been stuck indoors for the past month after having a toe operation and it's been tough.

You can’t punish this out of him.

I do sympathise - my son used to go completely wild when he came home from school, he also used to chant a lot and imitate noises.
It does seem to get worse with puberty and calms down as the hormones do.
my son is 18 now, he talks to himself ( he doesnt believe me) and makes a couple of noises - he likes ‘boom’ a lot but mainly keeps to his bedroom.
if he’s quiet playing video games then let him, or find otherways for him to let off steam - trampolines are good, swing ball, swimming. or just let him run in the park.
The fizzy bottle is a good way of thinking about it. Think of him as a bottle of fizzy pop with the lid firmly on, at school he is keeping it all in. What happens when you take the top of a fizzy pop thats been shaken up?

Do you have a trampoline or space for one? That could help you and your DS.

There is a great book called ‘how not to murder your ADHD kid’ which, despite the title, is an excellent book which really helped me to understand my daughter. I’d thoroughly recommend it

Reviving this thread rather late I know. But I wanted to thank everyone for the replies so far.

@PoppyStellar thanks for the book recommendation. I purchased it the same day you suggested it. There are some helpful bits of info / advice in there, but unfortunately no advice for my main issue which is the noises, rapping / beatboxing, repetitive sounds, thumping and banging. It just does my head in.

My son is at school at at his activities usually until 5:30 in the evenings and will then come home for dinner. Some days he comes home for dinner first and then goes to an activity. He does plenty of sports and physical activity so you'd think he'd have got the energy out of his system. But sadly not.

I appreciate the suggestions of sending him outside or to go out and use a swing ball or trampoline, but he's often got homework that he needs to get done after dinner / in the evenings. And I also feel sending him outside after 7pm isn't really appropriate because of the neighbours. I also know he'd probably get fairly bored out there by himself and want to come inside soon after.

I'm still looking for the magic solution / piece of advice to help deal with this issue, so would love to hear from anyone else in the same situation.

Join the National autistic society and find a lot of advice there .
what you are describing regarding the repeating could be delayed ecolalia , often done for enjoyment or through anxiety. I feel that you may need some proper help to understand him and yourself better ;( not meant in a horrible way, there is lots of great support and info on the national autistic society website and you can call to speak to some one for some help and advice) good luck

Thank you for this. It might be a stupid question, but how do I go about joining and how would I get help?

And no offence taken by the suggestion I may need some help. I most certainly do! I think one of the main issues I've got is that I'm trying to address this by myself. My husband is not supportive of me seeking out an ADHD diagnosis for him, and any suggestion from me to do so or even that he may have ADHD results in a massive argument with my husband verbally attacking me telling me there's nothing 'wrong' with our son and that I will be ruining his (our sons) life if I try and get a diagnosis.

Because of this I've never even mentioned to him that I think our son may also have autism. It would never end well for me. I think my husband does not understand that autism is a spectrum and that it affects everyone differently. I think he associates autism with non-verbal children who don't make eye contact and who struggle with daily communication and would never be able to work or live a 'successful' life.

So because if this, I am on my own. Battling my own ADHD struggles while trying unsuccessfully to help my son because I'm scared of the repercussions from my husband. I cannot afford to seek help privately for my son, so would need to rely on the NHS or a volunteer / free service.

Oh gosh sounds really tough.
on a side note…. Really not unusual for adhd women to be in relationships with autistic men particularly.
Your correct autism is a huge spectrum and can present in many different ways.
I will try and find the links for National autistic society . There may also be a local autism group near you, often they accept people without official diagnoses … maybe beneficial to pop along for a cuppa.

Here’s the link
I see they do online group community chat on the website too, that may be useful https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support

You may also find this webpage helpful. Lots of advice / explanations https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

And these are supposed to be good for sensory auditory challenges
https://www.loopearplugs.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=trgt_uk_search_brand_loopearplugs&gclid=Cj0KCQjwu-KiBhCsARIsAPztUF3bpIzkWseqT18wN-a8ao-vbL-yYZSXaNi8M_vzuXW_hc-SCLSPrxkaAhR8EALw_wcB

Sorry that your husband isn’t supporting you exploring any of this. Just to mention it’s really common for a parent not to see their child’s struggles because they don’t see this a s’ different’ …. Potentially because they are also neurodiverse and don’t there for see it as different ( as it’s the same as their experience in many ways) or they maybe very rigid / black and white in thought style …. Eg ‘ he can’t be autistic Because he can’t count cards in a casino or isn’t a great scientist ‘ again this rigid thinking style is potentially an autism trait. Stay strong…. As an ADHD er you have a very likely strong sense of empathy and ability to tune in to people and their challenges…. You are best places to be your sons advocate as exhausting as the journey may be, you will be amazed at your strength xx

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For a start try some fidget toys and/or chewables. It might help with the verbal overload.
If you find that helps for a week, at that age I'd be inclined to talk to him about chatting with the doc?

Thank you so much for the links and advice @Wheredoallthehairbandsgo Really helpful. It looks like there is a branch not too far away from me.

Regarding the suggestion of fidget toys, we do have a few but my husband does not approve and believes they 'create issues in children' (his opinion in general - not just at home) and thinks they're unnecessary. He voiced his opinions often whenever my son showed any interest in them, so now my son is a bit reluctant / embarrassed to play with one.

It's so hard with zero support at home. It's just constant noise. My son currently bellowing high pitched opera sounds (his latest noise fixation for the past few days), and flipping around like a dead fish on the sofa annoying his little sister. She starts whining and crying because he's too rough and eventually hurts her. My husband then starts yelling at him for not acting his age and putting him down and often gets mad at me for not punishing them (he always looks to me to be the bad one 😒)

Just now my daughter was heading up to bed and my son noticed an almost empty bag of sweets on the counter. He pipes up "ooh does anyone want the last Haribo?" As my young sweet obsessed daughter walked past. She yells I do just as he popped it into his mouth. He also does stupid shit like this ok purpose CONSTANTLY to get a reaction out of her.

I hate living in my house now. I wish I could run away 😓