Agoraphobia - I can’t take the rubbish out

[houseisashittip]

I realise this sounds ridiculous.

I live in a shared flat, I share a kitchen and have my own bedroom. For the past few weeks my mental health has absolutely plummeted.

complex trauma and bereavement and things are a fucking mess all around me.

I’m getting help from the NHS, very slowly, on lots of waiting lists to see a psychiatrist and psychologist and various other stuff.

I’m mortified but I can’t get myself to the front door to take my rubbish out. When I try, I get palpitations, I feel like I’m going to pass out, so it’s easier to just not do it.

I’ve got 8 black bags I need to take out. I’ve also got a pile of laundry and dishes needing done and need to vacuum, and dust. Basically, my house is becoming a health hazard and my prison.

I’m so ashamed of myself but I cant get myself to the door to do it. It’s the same with laundry, eventually I just force myself to do the laundry because I’ll run out of clean clothes.

I want to take the bags to the bin outside. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t have any friends or family nearby who could help me. It’s rented accommodation too.

I don’t know what to do. Where do I start?

So sorry you feel this way, OP.

I actually saw a very similar post on Facebook the other day (the person posted anonymously) asking if anyone would be willing to help them. It was on one of the local neighbourhood groups.

They got so many positive messages of support and people offering to help them.

Do you feel that's something you could try?

Is your flatmate totally unaware of your situation? I would want to help a flatmate, if I could.

Ask your flat mate surely? Sorry you feel so awful , I'm glad you're getting help .

They aren’t aware, no, I’d be scared to tell them. We had rats in the corridor a few weeks ago which makes me all then more scared/aware of how important it is I get this place tidy but the thought is so overwhelming. When I get really anxious it feels like I’m going to die so it seems easier to avoid that feeling happening. I’ve managed to get it all into black bags into my en-suite. I keep thinking if I can tackle my room today and then try and get the bins out two at a time, but I don’t know.

Would it help to have someone on the phone with you while you do it? Samaritans are free to call on 116123.

Also, could you try breaking this down into really small steps? Is there one tiny thing you could aim for now?

I could try tidying my bed, that would be a start. Even if I can just get my room a bit straighter, then I can try to take the rubbish out later.

Contact social services in your county now. Present this situation as a potential health hazard.

oh lovely. I am sure your flatmate would help you.
wouid you be willing to ask them to maybe take one bag out for you? Or ask them if they would go with you to take the bags out?
Or as a pp has suggested could you call the Samaritans and have them on the end if the phone while you do it yourself? Anonymously could be the way to go!

One step at a time. one day at a time.

I was referred to them back in May last year but told not a priority for support, not sure I would be now? They said it was an NHS matter because the only person at risk of harm was me, and no one else or something like that.

And keep posting on here as you will get loads of advice

As a stop gap, could you get a prescription for propranolol from you GP. It’s a beta blocker, not habit-forming, fast working. It really can cut feelings of overwhelming anxiety so you might be able to do these tasks. Obviously, there are long-term issues that need dealing with, but it might just let you take some baby steps so you can leave the rubbish out.

I've been where you are OP, it's awful. This is what I would do, find and join (if you haven't already) your local community FB groups and then message admin asking to do an anonymous post. Then post your issue and ask if anyone could help, monitor replies and pick out someone you like the sound/look of from their response. Then you can message that person direct and set something up for them to come and help without revealing who you are to anyone else. You can usually tell from the replies who will be understanding and discreet.

Please do it though, most of us wouldn't think twice about asking for this kind of help if we had, for example, a broken leg and MH issues should be no different. It will be ok, it's ok to need a bit of help sometimes and it will be such a relief for you when it's done

When I'm having a bad time, I get the same way but my main issue is going to hang the washing out. My main concern is that one of my neighbours will talk to me, which generally is fine but when I'm down I just can't deal with it.

Is it a specific reason why you can't do it? Like are you wanting to avoid bumping into anyone? Could you ring anyone or keep messaging us here while you do it? Could you maybe do it later at night or first thing in the morning when you're less likely to see anyone? I'd definitely come and help you if you were close, it seems so trivial and would only take a few minutes but I know it's just one of those things that your body/mind refuses to do.

I can vouch for propranolol to stop the heart racing, I've needed it and I seem to be past that response now because of it (so far anyway, haven't needed it for a couple of months) I wish there was a tablet to stop the thought/feeling of I just can't. I'd also recommend basically any Paul McKenna book. I have cptsd and sometimes reading his self help books can get me through a bad patch.

If you have Line, (it's an app similar to WhatsApp I guess, but you don't share mobile numbers, just a user name.) If you like, I'm happy to add you and just be someone at the other end to talk to when you need to do something daunting. If you're nervous about things like this too, I don't mind just asking you questions like 'what's the name of the van on Scooby Doo' just so you have something to respond to as a distraction. You can be abrupt and say 'bye' when you're finished so you don't feel the need to be polite either, just a thought ☺️

Can you go past midnight or at 5am or something if your fear is of other people?

I have claustrophobia so understand your fear albeit from the opposite side.

I would think and see if there's someone I could ask for help with the bin bags. That's a bit urgent really for hygienic reasons. A neighbour, flat mate, friend, family member, social services, GP, council etc (?)

For someone without issues like agoraphobia, taking out a few bin bags is really not a big deal and they wouldn't see it as a big favour to ask. If a person asked me to help them do that I'd be very happy to take them out, even on a regular basis if they lived near me.

Good luck x

Is there something you can do, like set a timer for 1minute and then challenge yourself to run there, put the bins in and get back before the timer?

Put on headphones/music
Do it at night in the dark
etc?

I've been where you are too, so you have my total sympathy.

First priority is to get your rubbish sorted. Do you have anyone you do trust you could tell and ask to help? Your housemate if not.

Second is to face that phobia, and yes its bloody hard.

Set yourself a challenge to face it.

Assume you can open the front door as you need foor deliveries, if so set a challenge to stand with the door open, a little longer. Or stand in the doorway, and after a fewdays step one step outside. Slowly build it up. If you cant face it one day reduce what you do but next day do more again.

I think that you’ve hit the nail on the head by saying that you’re avoiding the feeling of panic so find it easier to not do it.

It’s easy to sit here and say that, but it’s worth reminding yourself you’ll be ok. I would suggest breaking it down into stages. Just try stepping outside with one foot and holding it outside for five seconds. And repeat to yourself “I’m ok even though I feel anxious/scared/terrified”. If you’ve got headphones, you could put some tunes on and play that while you try and get out. And accept that yes, you’re feel anxious but it’s adrenaline flowing through your body creating a flight or fight response.

Could you turn it into a little ‘game’? Put your headphones in, play your favourite song and challenge yourself to get the bins out and be back indoors by the time the song finishes? Or break it down into even smaller steps; one bin bag at a time, by the end of the first verse of the song. Then take a break and move onto the next bag.

The deeper issue needs looking into though, I would contact your GP Tuesday morning and ask for more timely help.

If you are willing to say roughly where you live, I’m there would be a mumsnetter close to you who would be happy to pop over and help.

Yes I agree, I would be happy to take the bin bags out if very local to me.

I'm agoraphobic too and have the same problem but I live alone so have nobody to ask for help, you should definitely ask your flatmate, they live there too so I'm certain they don't want bags of rubbish to be left to stink out the house!
I find it easier to do mine late at night, when it's dark and there's less chance of bumping in to any neighbours. Could you try that? Or could you hire a cleaner for a couple of hours a week and make taking the rubbish out one of their jobs?

If a neighbour or flatmate asked me to help in this situation I wouldn’t judge at all. I’d given them a quick hug and ask what I could do to help.
Mainly because I’ve had tough times and I only realised later that asking for help was the best thing I could possibly do, because talking about it out loud made the problem feel smaller. then it’s not this huge secret you are feeling anxious.

Besides I’m sure your flatmate has noticed you aren’t going outside! Probably worried about you and would be pleased to help.

I would be happy to come and do it for you if you're in my area too OP, I'm in the West Midlands so please do message me if that's your neck of the woods x

I would also come to help you, I'm in the Farnborough area of Hampshire. Message me if I can help OP x

So sorry you're going through this x