What do you love and appreciate about your mum?

[travelingtortoise]

I've been NC with my mother for 7 years, and am doing a lot of work with my therapist around grieving the parent I never had.

Part of what I think I'm struggling with is not really knowing what a positive mother-daughter relationship is like, so I'm grieving something I don't have words for.

So for those of you who have great relationships with your mothers, what is it specifically that you appreciate most about that relationship? What does she do or represent that you don't or couldn't necessarily get elsewhere?

It's hard to answer this without feeling as though I'm going to make you feel worse which I don't want to do. But in brief...

My mum died two years ago and I miss her every day. She was the person to carry me, nurture me and see me into adulthood. She was one of two people who would willingly die for me. She knew how I got that funny scar on my forehead and could tell me what I was like as a baby, all the times I worried her sick or made her laugh.

In adult years, I told her pretty much everything knowing there was no way she would ever, ever leak that to someone else. There's very few people in life that you can be sure of in that regard.

She was all of that and so much more but these are some of the gifts she gave to me that I don't think anyone else could.

I am sorry that you've had such a rough time!

I agree completely with @activelyu

My mum just 'got' me and I never felt like I had to be anything but myself with her. It was like we were always one person, just split into two. I miss her terribly.

I also laughed with her in a way that I truly have never laughed with another person

Sorry, also meant to add I'm really sorry that you haven't had a great relationship OP. I hope you've managed to find that great love with someone else x

I'm so sorry... I cannot imagine even what it's like. My mum is my best friend.Always encouraging and supporting me.She is the only person who can be brutally honest without hurting my feelings and who I can trust to always give me advise based on what is best for me without an ounce of selfishness.
I feel like I have a safety net mentally, financially and in every other way.She always puts me first.

My mum died almost 10 years ago, but I still miss her so so much.

It was a fairly complicated relationship in my younger years, mainly due to illnesses and bereavement (my sister died from cancer when I was 11 and less than 6 months later I was diagnosed with a life changing condition which I still have now, 30 years later.)

Despite everything, she just got me. I could talk to her about anything and she just understood. I haven’t got that with anyone else, however close they are….

My mum is someone I talk to most days, is different to my best friend but someone I know is honest and supportive. She will listen to my worries and advice without expecting I will just do why she thinks.

Both my parents are supportive and I know I'm lucky with that, they will always try and help with anything they can. They are also amazing grandparents who I completely trust with my children and my children adore them.

I'm sorry it's not something you have had I can't imagine how hard it is to miss out on that support.

Things are not positive but thankfully I have a great relationship with my own children because I do the opposite of what my mother did

I praise them and supports them I don’t over burden them

Oh gosh @activelyu no need to worry that it'll make me feel worse – in a lot of ways it's actually reassuring to hear your experiences.

I carry a lot of guilt that it's my fault we don't speak and that I'm a bad person at my core (logically I know this isn't true but it got wired in early) and it's helpful to understand that there are things at play that aren't anything either of us could have helped.

Please don't feel bad for sharing your joy and love – it's wonderful to read, as well as being helpful for me.

I understand you completely. I think maybe I need a therapist to work through my relationship with my mother. I live abroad and we only speak every 3 or 4 weeks.

I saw her last week for the first time in 5 years, it was a 4 hour visit and I may as well have been visiting a stranger. (Actually I would probably have a better conversation with a stranger). I wept once I left for the relationship I will never have.

And @Idgaff and @MrsHsGirl I'm so sorry you've lost such special people. Ambiguous loss (my mother is still alive) is complex and very hard, and much as you can't imagine what I'm grappling with, I can't imagine how tough it must be to have had something so wonderful and had to say goodbye.

Sending you all the most unMumsnetty hugs.

@Frenchfancy I hear you. It's a big one.

And I know you know this, but you're not alone.

I've been seeing my therapist for 18 months and a lot of our sessions feel like I'm turning in circles, but something is shifting. Slowly, illogically, but it's shifting. I sought out a female therapist around my mother's age specifically to address this topic (as well as exploring whether I want to / could be someone's mother myself) and that's been a pretty epic dynamic in and of itself.

If you can afford it, I think it's worth it. And if not, know you're not alone and you're allowed to feel how you feel.

Mum is nearly 88 and failing. I dread the day...

She removed her 5 children from their abusive father in the face of terrible retribution and started again with just the clothes on our backs. She slept on the sofa in a tiny rented flat for years, and worked full time to provide for us. She gave me my love of reading and poetry,my knowledge of herbs and plants and trees, the names of the constellations. Once we were grown,she set out to travel with just a backpack and itchy feet...to Australia,New Zealand,China,Namibia. My children plotted her whereabouts on a large map,pinned with postcards. Her 10 grandchildren adore her.. she taught them how to light their own farts!! At the age of 60 she got a tattoo,at 70 a balloon ride and at 80 a spin on the back of a Harley with some Hell's Angels. She is our rock.

I'm sorry to hear you don't have a good relationship with your mum. I'm very fortunate and very close to mine. Things that I appreciate about her are, I'm still her priority even though I'm an adult. If I'm unwell and feeling sorry for myself, she'll be telling me to rest and look after myself and saying how she wishes she was here to help (she lives quite far from me). She came to see me as soon as I gave birth and was the only one to focus on me and not the baby and I really appreciated that! I'm very open with her and she gives pretty good advice, but I'm comfortable enough with her to say what I think or disagree without fear of any fallout. She also really respects the family I've created with dh and dc. She knows it takes priority and that's just how she thinks it should be.

My mum was my best pall. My bestest mate who taught me to apply makeup and be a sexy woman. She was bloody ace.
Mum was there for me when I had my four babies. She always had my back even if I was wrong

I was too busy with my younger dds who had awful issues ptsd post a horrendous event to realised she was failing.

By the time I could look up she has gone mentally and I was too late. She died in November last. She was ace