Hand hold - found out parents cancer is terminal

Whatnow45 · 2023-04-28T15:11:13+00:00

I'm in shock. Dad only had tumour discovered and removed a month ago and operation was successful. It had spread a little but it sounded like there were options and I had no inkling it could be incurable. He isn't the type to make a fuss so maybe he's downplayed the whole thing. It's just a massive shock. He has max a couple of years left with chemo, much less without. I watched a close friend go down this same path a few years ago and it was just horrific. Horrified to think this fate now awaits poor dad, can't stop crying.

Madeintowerhamlets · 28/04/2023 16:56

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. Can I ask what cancer it is? I am someone that was diagnosed in 2021 with what was thought to be incurable bowel cancer however I responded amazingly to treatment & was able to have curative surgery. At my bleakest moments I found bowel cancer UK’s forum & Facebook page very helpful for getting advice. I wonder if there is something similar for your dad’s cancer. I’m so so sorry you are going through this, it’s incredibly tough.

Original poster

Whatnow45 · 28/04/2023 17:04

@Madeintowerhamlets it is actually bowel cancer but has spread to several places. I like to think there is still hope, they sounded hopeful the other day but then today after speaking to doctor it was very bad news

OP posts:

TheSnailAndTheWaaaail · 28/04/2023 17:10

I'm so sorry 😞 what a horrible shock! My previously shockingly healthy grandfather was diagnosed with bowel cancer last year and decided against treatment. They gave him 6-12 months and he lasted 10 months. It was such a shock, but as a family we were able to put together a memory book for him to look at and we all made the most of the time we had with him. I'm so sorry again that you're facing this, it's so hard.

Brezel · 28/04/2023 18:27

Just to give you a big hand hold. I went through similar with my Dad and would cry myself to sleep most nights over it.

My Dad died of cancer 15 years ago. He was given 6 months without chemo and one year with. He went for chemo even though my Mum was actually against it. He had previously been through chemo 5 years earlier and she didn’t want him to go through it again. He was much like your Dad and didn’t want to make a fuss and downplayed it. He always said it was much harder for us to go through than him.

What I really wanted to say is he wasn’t actually that ill with it not until right at the end. He worked all the way up until 3 days before he died. I hope your Dad is ok and not too ill. I think treatments have moved a lot in the years.

I spent as much time with him as I could, we did cookery lessons together! Looking back now I feel honored I had that time with him. We were lucky we had that much time together and knew it was very precious. He lived almost exactly 12 months from when the doctor told us.

A friend of mine lost her Dad suddenly around the same time and she made me realise how lucky I was to be able to say goodbye. We were with him holding his hand right at the end.

I slept much better after he died I think I had done a lot of my grieving for him when he was alive and it was almost a relief at the end.

Don’t feel bad about being upset and crying. Be how you need to be and talk to people outside your family unit to support you. Do you have siblings?

Original poster

Whatnow45 · 28/04/2023 18:44

Thanks so much for messages. I have two siblings and thinkbdad was planning to tell them this afternoon so I'll probably speak to them this weekend when I've composed myself a bit more.

It's lovely that you got to spend some nice times with your dad in the last months, I hope I can do the same and make the most of whatever is left. So horrible that this disease affects so many families though.

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 28/04/2023 20:11

So sorry op. I'm in the same position. My dad has been given a year and that's only if he responds to chemo.

It's really shit isnt it.

sillistudi · 28/04/2023 20:17

Brezel · 28/04/2023 18:27

Just to give you a big hand hold. I went through similar with my Dad and would cry myself to sleep most nights over it.

My Dad died of cancer 15 years ago. He was given 6 months without chemo and one year with. He went for chemo even though my Mum was actually against it. He had previously been through chemo 5 years earlier and she didn’t want him to go through it again. He was much like your Dad and didn’t want to make a fuss and downplayed it. He always said it was much harder for us to go through than him.

What I really wanted to say is he wasn’t actually that ill with it not until right at the end. He worked all the way up until 3 days before he died. I hope your Dad is ok and not too ill. I think treatments have moved a lot in the years.

I spent as much time with him as I could, we did cookery lessons together! Looking back now I feel honored I had that time with him. We were lucky we had that much time together and knew it was very precious. He lived almost exactly 12 months from when the doctor told us.

A friend of mine lost her Dad suddenly around the same time and she made me realise how lucky I was to be able to say goodbye. We were with him holding his hand right at the end.

I slept much better after he died I think I had done a lot of my grieving for him when he was alive and it was almost a relief at the end.

Don’t feel bad about being upset and crying. Be how you need to be and talk to people outside your family unit to support you. Do you have siblings?

This is very reassuring advice. Thank you. Im in similar situation with my DM.. OP the initial shock and horror is intense. I've found it's lessened as life goes on - we've adapted to this path we're on..& there's a lot of denial getting us through!!! It's totally rubbish & do feel like there's a permanent cloud over us but like PP said, take the gift of knowledge and use it to your advantage. We will all lose our parents. This diagnosis means you can glean every magic moment & memory and say all you want to say first. I am very sorry to all who have lost their parents from this awful disease. Xx

curious79 · 28/04/2023 20:18

I'm so so sorry. No right words. It takes me right back to learning of my own mother's cancer. Steel yourself and look after yourself (put on your own gas mask first etc) as the road ahead will be gruelling; strewn with moments of laughter and hope and at others points sheer drowning misery. The shock is just extraordinary - I kept on bursting into tears for weeks afterwards. Then the numbness set in. BUT it was also a time of great great love as we did what we could to give comfort. I hope most of all that is what you experience.