To feel sad I've been invited to a birthday party for someone, on the same day as mine. To not want to go??

Sophie1029734 · 2023-04-28T12:25:36+00:00

Hi everyone I'm 23 and my birthday is Sunday. I've always spent my birthdays sad because no one past my mum, nan, auntie and mil have actually remembered. This goes to my close friend group at college where everyone would remeber each others, plan stuff and when it came to mine they forgot to even say happy birthday till the end of the college day. It's been like this with all my friend groups, despite them knowing when it is. It's just like, mines not signifact enough?? Even Christmas, I'd get something nice for people and I'd get nothing bsck despite me being the poorest and them being quite well off. They'd get nice things for each other. I am quieter and find it harder to socialise which might be why. But as I've gotten older my birthdays become more of a depressing thing for me, almost a reminder of the little people I have in my life that actually care? It's not about presents and receiving, its just the idea of the lack of thought or consideration from friends and family who offer it to everyone else? Anyways, due to this the idea of makeing a party or doing a get together makes me wanna shrivel up now. My partners family who I'm quite close to, have made a surprise 30th for a family member. My birthday is on the same day, he's a closer blood related family member and its a bigger birthday age and I get that. Its not a competition and I love going to the parties, it's just the idea of everyone careing enough to hire out an entire place, do all this planning between them etc whilst I'm attending and no one cared enough about mine to even get a card?? Mil reminds every1 about everyone's birthday a couple days before, she does this for mine too and this makes me feel worse because I'd rather think everyone didn't know? Because getting people go up to u going, oh its ur birthday??? I forgot, happy birthday!! Its the worst. Its just not going to feel nice on a day that already depressing as it is. I'm expected to go and bring my child (it's dress up) everyone been asking my chikd what she is comeing as etc. But I know I'll feel really sad being there, idk weather to suck it up or be a party proper and stay back.

TeaKitten · 28/04/2023 13:28

I’d plan a day out with your child and just say sorry I’m going out for the day for my birthday. If you go along and pretend you aren’t arsed about your own birthday it just feeds into this treatment because not everybody likes celebrating their birthday and they just assume
you're one of them.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 13:29

Won't your daughter be upset at not going now if people have asked her what she's wearing etc?

huffyhufferson · 28/04/2023 13:32

I would go if I was you. Your MIL sounds a lovely, caring person. She may have a surprise for you at the party.

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 28/04/2023 13:32

I do have adhd/autism so probabaly don't always fit in, ik it's easier for me to be the side friend. I must not get involved enough and put myself out there enough to be considered enough for birthdays etc.i know there's reasons for it and I'm partly to blame but it doesn't make the day any less shitty tho.

OP posts:

QuickGuide · 28/04/2023 13:32

You say you enjoy parties, so go and enjoy it.

Your birthday is a separate issue IMO. My birthday is also usually ignored, but that's becuase I don't "do" anything. IME the people who have a big fuss made.over their birthdays orcastrate most of that themselves. The "what shall we do for my birthday?" conversations will have been going on for months. If you'd like to do something for your birthday, tell people that, make some suggestions. I think if you usually don't do anything, people will assume that's how you like it.

DP should be doing something for you and DD, but wider than that you'll need to lead it IMO.

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 28/04/2023 13:33

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 13:29

Won't your daughter be upset at not going now if people have asked her what she's wearing etc?

My daughter can still go with partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 28/04/2023 13:34

QuickGuide · 28/04/2023 13:32

You say you enjoy parties, so go and enjoy it.

Your birthday is a separate issue IMO. My birthday is also usually ignored, but that's becuase I don't "do" anything. IME the people who have a big fuss made.over their birthdays orcastrate most of that themselves. The "what shall we do for my birthday?" conversations will have been going on for months. If you'd like to do something for your birthday, tell people that, make some suggestions. I think if you usually don't do anything, people will assume that's how you like it.

DP should be doing something for you and DD, but wider than that you'll need to lead it IMO.

Yes your probabaly right

OP posts:

Shekissedagirlandshelikedit · 28/04/2023 13:37

The party issue aside, could you in future organise something yourself for your birthday? My dd is in her 20s and usually organises a night out with friends or a meal or something. I think being a bit proactive might help rather than waiting for people to remember and then bring disappointed if they don't.

For the upcoming party I would go for your daughter as it does sound like it'll be fun for her. MIL will probably tell everyone it's your birthday too. Then could you plan something for your birthday the weekend after? Even if with only your partner and daughter like bowling and a nice meal or something.

FawnFrenchieMum · 28/04/2023 13:40

QuickGuide · 28/04/2023 13:32

You say you enjoy parties, so go and enjoy it.

Your birthday is a separate issue IMO. My birthday is also usually ignored, but that's becuase I don't "do" anything. IME the people who have a big fuss made.over their birthdays orcastrate most of that themselves. The "what shall we do for my birthday?" conversations will have been going on for months. If you'd like to do something for your birthday, tell people that, make some suggestions. I think if you usually don't do anything, people will assume that's how you like it.

DP should be doing something for you and DD, but wider than that you'll need to lead it IMO.

Absolutely this!

Surely you will be even more sad on your own if DD & DP go to the party?

Wishawisha · 28/04/2023 13:45

In my experience most adults don’t have much done for their birthdays bar from their spouses unless they plan a party.
It wouldn’t occur to me to do anything than perhaps send a text to even my closest friends. I don’t expect anything from others for mine at all other than DH who I will discuss with prior to my birthday if I want to go somewhere / do something. I get the odd message from a friend, that’s it and pretty normal I think.
I might have a bigger 40th but I or DH will plan that.

AspidistraFlying · 28/04/2023 13:48

You sound very passive, OP. If you want a birthday party and a fuss, organise a get-together and invite people? It’s perfectly possible that if you are as socially-timid as you say, your friends and family may think a party is your idea of pure hell. If you behave like someone who expects to be overlooked and unimportant all the time, that tends to be how you are treated. You also come across in your post as self-pitying and negative, in a ‘Don’t mind me, I’lll just sit here in the dark being ignored’ way — you complain about your birthday not being recognised, and then you complain about your MIL reminding people about it. What do you actually want to happen? I mean, I’m pretty sure none of my ILs, of whom I am fond, have the faintest idea when my birthday is, and we’ve been together for decades.

Talia99 · 28/04/2023 13:56

Shekissedagirlandshelikedit · 28/04/2023 13:37

The party issue aside, could you in future organise something yourself for your birthday? My dd is in her 20s and usually organises a night out with friends or a meal or something. I think being a bit proactive might help rather than waiting for people to remember and then bring disappointed if they don't.

For the upcoming party I would go for your daughter as it does sound like it'll be fun for her. MIL will probably tell everyone it's your birthday too. Then could you plan something for your birthday the weekend after? Even if with only your partner and daughter like bowling and a nice meal or something.

I tried this once - a general ‘let’s meet up for a drink for my birthday’, nothing big or expensive. Nobody wanted to come and nobody suggested an alternate date. It made me feel worse. That was years ago and I’ve long since lost touch with that friends group but I’ve never tried again.

In retrospect, I don’t think they thought of me as a friend, just someone they liked well enough to have as part of the group but not to socialise with if the whole group weren’t there.

privileged · 28/04/2023 14:01

You might feel worse if you don't go. Not just about being alone on the day but it will look off if you don't go. It would be different if you had something planned on that day. What has your partner said about it?

UsingChangeofName · 28/04/2023 14:03

QuickGuide · 28/04/2023 13:32

You say you enjoy parties, so go and enjoy it.

Your birthday is a separate issue IMO. My birthday is also usually ignored, but that's becuase I don't "do" anything. IME the people who have a big fuss made.over their birthdays orcastrate most of that themselves. The "what shall we do for my birthday?" conversations will have been going on for months. If you'd like to do something for your birthday, tell people that, make some suggestions. I think if you usually don't do anything, people will assume that's how you like it.

DP should be doing something for you and DD, but wider than that you'll need to lead it IMO.

Absolutely this.

You've said you enjoy parties, so go to the party!

This is nothing to do with your own family growing up, or your college friends. Why wouldn't you go to something you'll enjoy with your dd, your partner and his family and friends. It makes no sense.

QuickGuide · 28/04/2023 14:05

Talia99 · 28/04/2023 13:56

I tried this once - a general ‘let’s meet up for a drink for my birthday’, nothing big or expensive. Nobody wanted to come and nobody suggested an alternate date. It made me feel worse. That was years ago and I’ve long since lost touch with that friends group but I’ve never tried again.

In retrospect, I don’t think they thought of me as a friend, just someone they liked well enough to have as part of the group but not to socialise with if the whole group weren’t there.

Show quote history

I'm part of a group like that. We all get on, but mostly aren't close friends.

It's one of the group's birthday in a few weeks time. She has suggested we go to an event that many of us would be at anyway and stop for food on the way home. Some people were already going, a couple more have booked following the prompt, several have other plans. None of the ones who can't make it will offer an alternative. It's just one of those things.

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 28/04/2023 14:15

AspidistraFlying · 28/04/2023 13:48

You sound very passive, OP. If you want a birthday party and a fuss, organise a get-together and invite people? It’s perfectly possible that if you are as socially-timid as you say, your friends and family may think a party is your idea of pure hell. If you behave like someone who expects to be overlooked and unimportant all the time, that tends to be how you are treated. You also come across in your post as self-pitying and negative, in a ‘Don’t mind me, I’lll just sit here in the dark being ignored’ way — you complain about your birthday not being recognised, and then you complain about your MIL reminding people about it. What do you actually want to happen? I mean, I’m pretty sure none of my ILs, of whom I am fond, have the faintest idea when my birthday is, and we’ve been together for decades.

I'm not shy nor timid, I'm just bad at socialising and upkeeping with conversations so I come across quiet. I've never said or acted like i didn't care about my birthday and esepcially that I don't enjoy parties! its the same for Christmas. They'd get for each other and not me, even when it was mutually agreed between us. No one would have to really plan anything for their birthday or mention it in order to get happy bdays etc

It's not feeling sorry for myself, its the realisation of being the 'throwabale friend' in the groups and being overlooked. I'm great at reading people and I can see there's the main friends and the, just there friends. I'm always under that category and when it comes to celebrations, it's more obvious and that makes me sad. I've perceived it as rejection and so now that I'm older and can organise things, its harder to want to do that in fear that everyone will say no or just decide to not come on the day. U are right in that i should jump out of my comfort zone and go for it, just might and ask if anyone wants to go out next weekend.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2023 14:30

Sounds like you need new friends and a better partner.

What's his excuse for never doing anything for your birthday?

longtompot · 28/04/2023 14:35

Is the 30th party in the evening? If so, I would go out for the day and celebrate your birthday with your partner and child and then go to the party in the evening.

As for friends, I think it sounds as if you know which ones are actual friends and the rest just sound like acquaintances. I would stop buying them presents, maybe send a card if you feel you want to.
For family presents at Christmas I would stop buying them presents, or just do a token gift of naice biscuits or something similar

Summerfun54321 · 28/04/2023 14:57

You're an adult. If you want your birthday to be celebrated then YOU need to organise something and arrange for others to come. Take some ownership of your happiness, it's not for others to hand to you on a plate.

AspidistraFlying · 28/04/2023 18:48

Sophie1029734 · 28/04/2023 14:15

I'm not shy nor timid, I'm just bad at socialising and upkeeping with conversations so I come across quiet. I've never said or acted like i didn't care about my birthday and esepcially that I don't enjoy parties! its the same for Christmas. They'd get for each other and not me, even when it was mutually agreed between us. No one would have to really plan anything for their birthday or mention it in order to get happy bdays etc

It's not feeling sorry for myself, its the realisation of being the 'throwabale friend' in the groups and being overlooked. I'm great at reading people and I can see there's the main friends and the, just there friends. I'm always under that category and when it comes to celebrations, it's more obvious and that makes me sad. I've perceived it as rejection and so now that I'm older and can organise things, its harder to want to do that in fear that everyone will say no or just decide to not come on the day. U are right in that i should jump out of my comfort zone and go for it, just might and ask if anyone wants to go out next weekend.

Show quote history

It just sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy, OP. You say you’re not shy or timid, but ‘bad at socialising and upkeeping with conversations” — what does that actually mean in practice? When you’re out with friends, what are you like? Don’t you think you need to take a bit of responsibility for this?