Quick question - do I go back to work next week, grief related.

[Mabelface]

My mum died just over 2 weeks ago. My last conversation with work was maybe return next week. However, I'm still exhausted and my appetite is very poor, which compounds the exhaustion. IBS is improving, but still not great. I still find the outside a very loud and overstimulating place. I'm also ASD/ADHD.

I'm under no pressure to go back, and my line manager wants me to go at my own pace.

Would you go for another week off so my body has a chance to catch up? I'm definitely not firing on all cylinders right now, but have processed that mum has gone and isn't coming back. The call is at 11am today.

No shame in taking another week off (=]]$*!# as a manager). Have you had the funeral yet?

If you feel exhausted then that's your body telling you to rest. I'd take another week and make sure you feel ok, otherwise you'll just get sick and need further unplanned absence.

I had 4 weeks off when my mum died and I should have had more. I wasn’t ready. There is no timeframe

No funeral, direct cremation. The day for the funeral has been added on to my normal bereavement leave. I think you're right. I'm trying to get back to normal before I'm ready. I'll go with what my body is telling me. It's really fucking hard, isn't it?

Take as much time as possible for yourself. I hope the chat with your manager goes well.

Can you do a phased return? Get your Dr to sign you back for 50% hours for example? You might find the structure and routine a useful distraction

I think you should take more time off, then also discuss a phased return (working fewer days, or shorter hours) for a few weeks.

I’m so sorry for your loss

Stay off. I went back far too soon.

I agree with PP regarding doing a phased return. Definitely take another week though, it seems you need it and you know your manager is supportive of what you think you need.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My Dad died 5 weeks ago. I went back this week. The funeral was last week. The work itself is ok but I've found dealing with other people and their issues really hard. I would get the funeral out of the way. Give yourself some time.

The bereavement board is very supportive btw. I've been pestering everyone there. I'm very up and down xx

Don’t rush it, and perhaps ask for a phased return.

even then don’t expect to be firing on all cylinders.

I hope the meeting goes well.

Don't rush it. They're not forcing you to go back, and you need time to rest.

Even if you've started to come to terms with it mentally, it sounds like your body need some more time to physically heal. There's nothing wrong with that.

Good luck for the call!

Thank you all. My manager is the loveliest person I've ever worked under and she did sound a bit dubious when I mentioned going back next week so that will be fine. I think I still have some anxiety from how I've been managed previously as the leadership team in my old department would not have been as lovely and would have pushed me for a return date. I'm taking next week, then will look at a phased return. I get full pay if I do 60% of my hours phasing back in and won't be an issue.

I've been on the bereavement board, but not ready to peek back in there yet.

I’m so sorry.

I was back at work straight after the deaths of my father and later brother and I heartily wish someone had told me to take as much leave as I needed. If you can take leave, do. Take as much as you need.

Your manager sounds brilliant and excellent to have supporting you on your return to work.

I agree with PP's about possibly mentioning a phased return to break yourself in gently, or a trial day back, perhaps.

At the moment it does sound like you need more rest. The last few weeks have been emotionally draining for you, which turns in to physical exhaustion.

Give yourself a bit more time to start feeling physically better and then perhaps ask for a day/half-day to try a return. Once you're feeling a bit less tired you may find that being back in the routine of work will help you with starting to find a new "normal".

Lots of un-mumsnetty hugs OP.

I'm so sorry.

I don't think you are ready. When I lost my DF I had 3 months off and I wasn't really ready then.

You need to have the good days add up before you go back. Your tummy is your second brain and it's telling you it's too soon.

You will get there. Just not yet.

So sorry for your loss.

There are pros and cons to going back soon or having more time to process.

My personal experience after losing each of my parents is I went back after two weeks. In both instances the funerals were also within those two weeks - so I didn't have then "hanging over" me still. I think I would have found it harder to return if they hadn't taken place.

When I went back I was not firing on all, if any, cylinders, work were very understanding, kept the pressure of projects off me and let me take it at my own pace (possible in my type of office job). The first few days back there were tears in work which I was ok with, but I personally preferred being there and having a distraction to prevent me focussing on my grief 24/7 which I think could have taken me to a much harder place. I felt going back was me starting to move forward.

We are all unique in how we deal with grief, there is no right or wrong, for the timing of going back to work you need to go with your gut feeling on it. I'm glad your work is being supportive during such a tough time.

Thank you. Have spoken to my manager and she completely agrees that I'm not ready to come back yet. When I do, it will be on phased return and she'll support whatever that looks like for me. Spoke to her about anxiety of extended time off and why, and she been really reassuring that there's no need, and to take the time I need.

Question for you - how long did it take for the sheer exhaustion to start to get better? It's impacting every area of my life currently, and although my eldest son is doing his best (he has asd), I want my clean, tidy house back. He's keeping me fed and watered, and trying to keep on top of things in his own way.

Your manager sounds lovely, you are lucky there. Take care of yourself, and don't push yourself too hard.

@Mabelface i can only go on my experience. We had direct to cremation. Had a family gathering on the day. I still had another 2 weeks off.

when I went back I felt I had ti explain why I was off. The story became mechanical. But what can I do? in the middle of being off I fractured my foot. It was frustrating as I couldn’t do anything as was just sat there thinking. That rushed me going back to work. I wish I had time to reflect and get used to the normal.

I tried to go back at 100%, but wasn’t ready and this hindered my return. I wish I did a phased return.

my boss was great and supportive as so we’re my colleagues. It’s now 5 months later and I am struggling. But I am going through a period of change, but amazing change all instigated by my mum dying. Think it’s too much going on. Decided from June no more changes

I lost a parent over a month ago and I’m still not sleeping through the night. There’s no way I would go to work if I were you.

Do what’s right for you.
I didn’t take any time off when my Mum died but it was entirely my choice and if I had felt I needed to I could and would have

I've just been for a coffee with a friend, with a short wander around the local shops. I felt anxious and panicky the whole time, so I've definitely made the right decision. I was only out for a couple of hours and I'm knackered. Back in my safe place with the cat on my legs. I'm staying put.

I took 5 weeks off, although two were planned already over Christmas, and have been back part time ever since. Agree with others go take the time you need. I'm happy part time- the structure is useful but my stability and ability to deal
With other people and their shit has been a lot lower than normal!