Visiting elderly friend - dementia

[YesILikeItToo]

My mother and I have a friend who we’ve had increasing difficulty getting in touch with. She lives far away. We have recently found out that she has been admitted to a nursing home. Friends have been piecing together and sharing their experiences of trying to reach her. It turns out she was isolating herself quite consistently, and there may or may not be knowledge coming from somewhere that she has dementia.

My mother is very elderly too, and this is her oldest friend. We want to go and see her, and the home say that she would welcome visitors. It will be a long journey.

Does anyone have advice about managing our expectations for this visit, or things I might think about in advance that might make it go well?

How long is it since your mother has seen her? If there is dementia, and it’s been a long time, please be prepared to find that she won’t remember her, and/or is a bit grumpy. I hope not, though, since that can be very upsetting.

Taking some old photos that would mean something to her, would probably be good, and something to talk about. I always found that chocolates, or some special cakes, always went down well!

Dementia or not, unless she’s very obviously enjoying herself, it’s probably best not to stay too long.

Can you travel down, visit, stay overnight locally, then visit again the next day? Maybe find something low-key but pleasant to do in the evening. Itll be tiring and hard for your mum either way.
Take photo's (or anything!) with you as a prompt for conversations. Reminiscences can often be great. My df has largely withdrawn from anything in the world, so seldom has any interest in anything anyone has done recently.
Find out if you can take her out - nothing too ambitious though - eg a cafe, or stroll round local park with an ice cream, etc. A change of scenery and something immediate to talk about might help.
If the Home has activity on that she enjoys and wants to do even when youre visiting, then its usually quite successful to just join in alongside.
Its difficult without knowing how progressed her dementia is and how it effects her. You might just be "that nice lady who visiting me" but thats ok. Go with anything, and dont feel obliged to repeayedly give her bad news (she doesnt need to hear her DH is dead 15 times a day. If she asks "where's DH" then something bland & distraction worjs.

It is really hard to make suggestions without knowing how advanced her dementia is - and even then, everyone is different.

Could your mother ask to speak to her on the phone? Most care homes will facilitate that, my mother's friends used to call her. It's worth asking, as that would form part of managing your mother's expectations. The friend may no longer be able to talk on the phone, or may sound very muddled.

It's a long journey and as the previous poster said, you need to cut short the visit if the friend becomes distressed. Your mother may also find it distressing herself.

Photos can be a good way of connecting with the person if her long term memory is functioning. But it may also cause distress if she realises she 'should' remember things, and can't. There isn't really any way of predicting it, you have to respond as things unfold. Chocolate is usually well received!

My mother is past conversation now, but when she was still engaging in chat I found she could only really latch on to what was happening in 'now world' - so people/things she could see in the room or on the TV. One thing which she (and most of the residents) really respond to is music, even in later stages of dementia.

Good luck with the visit.

Do the home have the ability to do a virtual visit so that you can assess how the friend is?

When talking, make statements not questions, then leave a gap for response.

So -
'I wonder how you're finding it here'
'Look at that garden. You always liked spring flowers'
'I was going to make us a coffee. Remember when I suddenly decided that I was never going to drink tea again. That didn't last'
'I brought a picture of us on that day trip to Brighton. There's me and here's you. I suppose I was pregnant that day. Funny to think that little bump was this one here!'

If she's ever been one for touching, don't hold back. See if she enjoys holding your mum's hand, hugging. I personally have stopped wearing a mask around Mum so she can see my face but the home may have a different policy.

Really the people who can best advise you is the staff at the home.

They should be happy to let you know what to expect, within reason. It really can vary enormously from person to person.

The idea of taking along old photos of your mum and her friend is a very good one.

Thank you, lots to think about here. I saw her most recently, maybe seven/eight months ago, and that was a lovely visit. My mum hasn’t seen her for a few years, I think. We’re hoping to plan the visit around seeing another friend for lunch, which should help us with some of the difficulties you have identified.

Just go with no expectations if she doesn’t remember try a few gentle prompts
as others said photos are a good thing

if she doesn’t remember don’t stress the situation just drop it and spend sometime having a general chat with her