Teenage son is getting bullied, what do I do next?

[Bukowskin]

My DS recently turned 13 and he’s getting bullied at school. This is sadly nothing new, he was bullied in year 6 too so he’s been through this experience before. In Y6 his group of friends suddenly rejected him, started ostracising him and pushing him around. He came home one day with a huge gash on his elbow because one of them had pushed him over in the playground (still has a scar now, it was a huge cut). We didn’t really have an explanation as to why this happened other than the fact we chose a different secondary school for DS so we wondered if that was the reason for the sudden rejection, it did seem to happen towards the backend of Y6.

In year 7 he settled in really well and formed a solid group of friends. He had a birthday party so we met a few of them and they seemed like nice boys. This continued until the start of year 8 so September last year when they suddenly started ostracising him much like his other friendship group did in primary. I contacted the school because they hadn’t just decided not to be friends with him anymore out of the blue, they were also calling him names and doing things like throwing his lunchbox off the table if he attempted to sit near them. I obviously asked DS if he’d said or done anything to cause this and he said the only thing was he told a couple of jokes they decided were offensive. One joke was a silly one about Solomon’s wives, it was probably a bit mature for most 12/13 year olds but not offensive.

I spoke to the student liaison officer and he said he’d spoken to all of the boys and they confirmed they just didn’t like a couple of jokes DS made. The SLO explained to them that obviously this isn’t an excuse to start calling someone names and if they’d perhaps communicated better with DS and told him they didn’t appreciate the jokes, this could have been avoided. They all agreed to be friends with DS again and this lasted for a week or two when they decided once again they didn’t like DS so told the SLO they didn’t want to be friends with him. The SLO then contacted me to explain what had happened and said he’d put DS forward for a support group for kids who struggle socially which I said was a great idea. The group doesn’t seem to have run since this was mentioned though so he’s never actually had a session.

I just basically told DS to try finding new friends which he has but apparently whenever he tries to talk to anyone in his year they all tell him to fuck off, tell him he’s weird or an ‘emo’ and make it known he’s unwelcome. He just basically walks around by himself now which is making me sad but he isn’t even being left alone when he’s doing that. He came home yesterday with a big cut on his knee and elbow, a boy in his year had run up from behind and pushed him over for no reason. DS has now asked if he can move schools in year 9.

It’s such a shame because academically he’s always done amazingly well. He’s in the top sets and teachers never have a bad word to say about him, in fact more than one teacher has said if every pupil was like him they’d have a perfect class which is just lovely. He is genuinely a really lovely boy, I know I’m
obviously biased but he isn’t a trouble causer. He’s never even had a negative behaviour point, wins awards, always goes on the reward trips etc. I know I’m bigging him up but I’d understand it more if he was an absolutely horrible child, he just isn’t though.

I’ve obviously contacted the school once again (feel like I’m always in touch this year!) so will see what they say but I never feel like much changes for the better. Just wondering whether a change of schools is the only real option? I’m worried the same situation will happen again in another school though.

I would speak to his year head, look at the schools bullying policy and ask where they're at with tackling this.
The problem you've got though is even if they tackle the bullying side of things, they obviously can't make others be friends with him. Once they've been singled out others tend to jump on the band wagon and don't want to be seen associating with them, so it's a hard cycle to break.
Do the school do any break or lunch time clubs he could join where he could go and might meet similar minded people?
Next year things might change as he'll be dropping some subjects so he might get away from some of the ones causing him problems.
If there's another school that a viable option I certainly wouldn't rule it out, but I think you need to make that decision this school year for the least disruption.

I hate victim blaming but it sounds like your son is possibly a bit socially awkward and so his peers are honing in on that to push him out of their group. Can you encourage him to find other friends that better fit his character type? Nurture his out of school interests and social activities so school isn't the be all and end all of life.

School absolutely should be getting on top of this but equally you need to support your son to develop the skills and resilience to manage this and find peers he is better suited to mixing with. Friendships end, it's devastating at this age but he sounds like a good kid, time for a fresh start.

No they sadly don’t have groups at break and lunchtime, only after school which he does get involved with. You’re absolutely right about him being singled out and it being a hard thing to break. There are a couple of boys who are ok with him but as soon as their other friends are around they won’t talk to him anymore. I think he’s also struggled as a boy because he isn’t into sports and he has a different music taste to most others which he’s also been singled out for, as silly as that may seem.

My DD had a tough time in yr 7 & 8 but it improved a lot in yr9.
Does this school rejig forms at all? That's a good way to refresh groups.
Maturity of all concerned does help and the boys who plagued DD in yr8 are now relatively pleasant and actually apologised to her for their twattish behaviour.
We considered changing schools but it did settle and DD found a new friend group and has been happy ever since (mostly!)
If you do decide to change school, some schools choose GCSE from yr9 so it's not a bad time to change.

I totally agree and also think this plays a part. I think he’s more mature than others his age, his sense of humour is possibly lost on kids his age so they just think he’s a bit weird.

I have encouraged him to make new friends but as I say, whenever he tries they make it clear he isn’t welcome. There are a couple of boys who are ok with him when they’re alone but as soon as their other friends come along they drop DS.

I’ve tried to encourage him to get back into scouts (dropped it during lockdown) but he said he doesn’t want to. He isn’t into sports at all, tried a few but he just isn’t interested. So I’m not sure what else he could do?

Cadets? A lot of cadet forces start at 13 - air, sea, army, police all have widespread groups.

Your post has an awful lot of similarities to my sons experience at school. He too was bright, articulate and very much liked by his teachers. These were not traits that were admired by his peers. My son was bullied during his last year in Junior School pretty much by the entire class. Name calling, obstricisation, general nastiness but nothing physical.The school were totally useless and we muddled through it hoping things would improve with the change in schools at Year 7. Unfortunately it followed him there and became physical as well. This school had a much clearer no tolerance approach really because of the physical aspect which really helped. Also my son who is very mild mannered reached a point where he began to fight back. This wasn't something that we had advocated but I can't deny that it did help. I also talked to other parents in his form group. I hoped this would lead them to talk to their children. Lots although not bullies as such were complicit in what was happening. It did get better, he really found his crew by about Year 10 and things fell into place for him socially. He's 22 now and has tons and tons of friends. Looking back I do regret not moving him and I feel guilty about this. It has left a mark on him and me. I feel for you and your son it's truly heartbreaking.

This is a brilliant idea, thank you so much. No idea why I didn’t think of it before.

It is very hard we had the same with DD heard a lot say it does get better. DD ignored the ones who kept picking on her and they soon thankfully got bored. Still got to sort her social friends but thankfully there are girls that will talk to her in break just never gets invited to houses or parties. Hope the bullying stops so for your son. Just keep on at the school.

Dd is a bit socially awkward. Even I notice some of the things she says are a bit odd and I think the world of her. Is there a kinder/geekier group of kids he could get to know? Dd had issues at primary school with unkindness from certain kids (their parents weren't much better.) But at secondary she fell in with a geeky /kind group and didn't have any more issues

I’m glad it settled for your son in the end and that he’s now thriving as an adult, that is great news but sorry he also went through this. I’m worried if I move him to a different school the issues will only follow because he is who he is, not sure I’d want to change him because he’s great! Just not appreciated by most of his peers sadly.

Oddly the group of friends he had in year 7 were/are the awkward ‘geeky’ ones. They’re all also in top sets so academic, they’re definitely not the cool kids by any means. They’ve clearly just decided DS is odd even by their standards, I don’t know!

Hi Op
Just thinking,

I think @Acheybreakyhead has nailed it on the head,

Your son sounds like he is socially Arkward , but he is more advanced for his age,
He sounds intelligent too,

I think 13 years /mid teens age is also really difficult age, transitional age into becoming Adult,
I get it, understand!

I think it be beneficial to create a list of hobbies and interests he is interested in or curious about in some way,

Encourage him to explore activities interests that he can do on his own and with like minded teenagers like himself ,
A mix of activities,

I know retro board games 🎲 are back in fashion popular now,

Is there a youth club or somewhere like a community hub group place , that play board games like chess ect, dungeons and dragons ect

Also is your son into Marvel hero's films and hero's comics magazines ect?

As every so often there are events that likeminded young people all ages meet to look at comic hero magazines swap stuff

Ect conventions

There's a event like this coming up in swansea see posters about,
Must have similar events in England

Is your son curious like Action movies and stuff?

As he might like to do Martial Arts displines
Surprisingly lot of them too

Have to say my DD also fits this mould! Super bright but a bit awkward. She's very into music and art which has gained cachet with the cool/awkward kids but she has little in common with most girls her age.
She has, on reflection, learnt that some of her issues earlier on were made worse by her reaction to them. She's learnt better social skills too.
We found she did really well in certain activities outside of school, art, boxing (curiously, and I would echo the other poster who suggested some kind of martial art or physical sport) and Guides. Being good at certain things and popular and comfortable in other settings certainly helped her sense of self worth and esteem I think.

Sorry this has happened to your son OP.The first thing I would be doing is explaining it to him in a way he can relate to- he is not fundamentally dislikeable or a horrible person- he has an offbeat sense of humour and is too mild mannered. A horrible person would be someone who physically attacked someone else, for example.

Secondary school is when things get turned upside down- bullies and rule breakers are popular, as are those who mature and grow early. Often the cleverest students get picked on.

I second cadets, building resilience and maybe he can try online groups for teens. Also google with him and see if there is anything else he would want to do outside of school.

I would also suggest that he tries laughing it off, watching tiktok or popular Youtubers for younger people to get an idea of what humour works then trying a one liner regularly. Self defence and martial arts also help- he needs the confidence to fight back and feel physically secure.

Personally, I would be trying to take him out in the family unit as much as possible - he can still have fun and enjoy himself no matter what is going on at school.

Yes, I would be considering changing schools too. Being hated every day is hell. Riding it out without knowing it will ever get better can get too much. You can see on here how much bullying has affected people, often for the rest of their lives. By the time he gets to 16 he is going to have a wider choice of 6th form, colleges, apprenticeships etc. 14-16 is when hormones make kids angry, violent and take more risks. If he can get through these two years, things will be much better.

Yes he likes chess so he’s started going to the new board games after school club which a boy he has always got on with also attends. Problem is this boy won’t speak to him as soon as his other friends are around.

He likes video games his peers aren’t so interested in like legend of Zelda for example, his peers are more into shooting games or Fifa which DS has no interest in. He doesn’t like marvel/DC.

I know there’s a chess club at the library but I think DS has a complex about being odd and he’s anxious about being more weird if he attends things like this. Same with scouts, I’ve tried to encourage him to return but he thinks he’ll be cast out even more if anyone found out at school.

Did try karate earlier this year but he hated it, will try boxing though. I do think he has quite niche interests compared to his peers so it does make him stand out a bit as you said with your DD. He likes pop punk music for example so gets called an emo at school as a result.

Looking into local cadets groups as we speak, hopefully he’ll enjoy something along those lines. I’d love him to get back into scouts, he dropped out of cubs during the first lockdown and had no interest in picking it back up when he reconvened. He’s worried it will make him seem even weirder.

We do go out as a family unit most weekends doing various activities so he does get family time, just wish he also had friends. Have a DD in the year below and she has lots of friends so is often out with them, has sleepovers, goes to birthday parties etc whereas DS just doesn’t have any of that and I feel bad for him. He is just a bit too mature I think for his peers, has that mix of being mature and also bright which doesn’t seem to fit with them.

Some great advice, thank you. I am going to speak to the school one last time, hopefully in person and see if they can sort something. I do feel like a stigma of sorts has been attached to him though so unsure if that can change now. If nothing changes, I’ll have to apply for a transfer and hope nothing happens in another school.

You really need to work on getting him to embrace being odd and being comfortable in his own identity. Being a unique teenager is hard but it's more socially acceptable these days than it ever has been. People are drawn to confidence, him being quirky won't be an issue if he is confident within his own skin and can happily say this is who he is get lost if you don't like it.

Easier said than done, and this is what being a teenager is sadly.

Is your ds neurodiverse? You say he is very bright, 'mature' and socially awkward. Many neurodiverse people mature asynchronously - not evenly. Some areas they seem more mature than their peers but in other areas, usually socially, they are immature. This makes them seem awkward and really singles them out at school. They can have a very developed sense of right and wrong but to the point of rigidity. They don't get when their jokes go too far or are annoying people. Is it worth having him assessed as moving from school to school without addressing what might be an underlying cause will not relieve the issue

Once they've been singled out others tend to jump on the band wagon and don't want to be seen associating with them, so it's a hard cycle to break.

This happened to my DD. She is a bright, kind, quiet and studious girl but also a bit quirky and socially awkward. I think schools should do more to tackle the role of the ‘bystander’ in bullying situations - those kids who don’t really want to join in but they do so to make sure they are not the victims.

It is heartbreaking to see and with hindsight I wish I’d moved her to a new school. I think it would have been better to be lonely by being in a new environment rather than desperately isolated because friends no longer speak to you.

I’m afraid school were useless with this type of isolation bullying, but think they might have stepped up if it became physical? However, I’m not convinced. She did make some friends doing volunteering at the weekend ( related to animals) which really helped. I will say that the whole feeling of being unlikeable has stayed with her into adulthood unfortunately.

Try fencing. It tends to attract bright, quirky kids and we found it to be a fabulously supportive sport when our DS was having a hard time in Y7/8.

I wanted to come back and thank you for this suggestion. I filled out an online application form yesterday afternoon and they emailed me straight away to say they had an open evening last night so it’s like it was meant to be. Took DS along and he absolutely loved it, he starts next Thursday and is really excited for it so thank you so much .

He was assessed when he was 10 and they said he isn’t. He isn’t socially awkward with or around us, I actually find him really articulate, witty and funny personally but I realise his humour would possibly be lost on his peers. He makes a lot of silly historical jokes which we get as adults but I don’t imagine many 12/13 year olds would appreciate.

I’m waiting on a phone call back from school still, think the SLO may have been on strike yesterday so hoping he will call today.

Oh that is wonderful news! Hopefully he'll find his space there