You sound like you’re doing an absolutely amazing job. I’ve self harmed since I was a little bit older than your daughter, I was about 14 when I started, and for me it was/is about having something tangible I can feel, that shows how distressed I feel, that I can then take care of in a way that I really struggle to with my mental health. Sometimes about breaking out of a meltdown too.
Your reaction sounds spot on. Has she seen CAMHS? One of the things my mental health team have done with me is exploring safe alternatives. It really helped me to write this down in a flow chart. I’m neurodivergent so find seeing stuff in a flow chart/picture format really helpful. So the worksheets I have, I’ve written ‘when I feel sad, I might notice these thoughts and feelings, and it might make me want to do xyz - and when I want to do xyz, these are other things I could try instead.’
So for example, if I feel numb and want to feel something - I can explore different sensory experiences such as a shower, cold drink, hot drink, minty food, spicy food (was suggested to bite into a piece of ginger, lemon, or chilli!), crunchy or smooth food, pressure/weighted blanket… you get some apps or fidget toys that provide that tactile feedback too. It sounds daft but getting moving or playing eg Mario karts (!) can work too. Even stuff like folding washing out the drier.
if I’m angry - loud music, silly dancing, trying to meditate, a fast walk/other exercise
if I’m scared - self soothing, or soothing from another - cuddles, cosy blankets, hoodie, a teddy, bubble bath, hot chocolate, talking through what I’m scared of
if I want to harm because I want the sensation of pain for some reason - discussed how to achieve that safely. So ideas for your daughter might be stretching muscles really tight, bouncing on a trampoline really hard, punching a punch bag, squeezing an ice cube until it melts. Eating really sour, spicy, minty, bitter, or ‘citrus’ food might help too.
if needing a visible way of communicating upset - trying to either channel that into writing, drawing (or something creative, lots of ideas!), or drawing the marks on myself I might have done via harm - can safely do with a sharpie and wash off later. The act of using a red sharpie and then washing off can be quite helpful, it’s not the same as it doesn’t hurt - but there’s still a bit of a calming ritual process to it. Someone said to me to write words on myself but I found that hard to do. You used to get doodle toys when I was little (showing my age) that can be washed, that might help if that sort of thing can still be bought, I don’t know.
Definitely exploring the reasons around school based anxiety (eg, is it because of the level of expectation around socialising with peers and coping with that side of things), and why she might feel the need to harm is important - and I’d show you’re happy to talk, but hopefully CAHMS will be able to make the biggest difference.
Not overreacting is the best thing you can do, honestly, I had an appt on Tuesday where I saw a doctor for something unrelated and forgot she would see recent scars - she just gently said, ‘what’s happened here love, is that because you’re worried about xyz?’ - when I said, yes, she said, ‘and you’re still talking to mental health?’, then said ‘good, well done, keep talking’ - compared to reactions I got when I was much much younger, (mainly of anger and shame) it was the best way of handling it - gently acknowledge, support, signpost if needed, and treat with love and care and kindness - all of which I can tell you’re already doing ❤️
Plus moisturise any areas - friend said to me, vitamin E heavy moisturiser or oil.
Hopefully CAHMS can support you and your daughter, will be thinking of you lots - and a wee thought to DD1 for telling you - that was v brave of her and exactly the right thing to do x